Dear all
I have an awful suspicion that I might have got stream entry. I say awful because I will feel very silly If I have not, in fact, attained to this.
Anyway, here goes.
A while ago I had this experience:
Now, I am always aware that there are always lots of sensations going on around me that go un-noticed by me. As my attention shifts I am always aware that the place my attention ends up is one of innumerable possibilities. At the beginning of the sit I control the speed and subject matter a bit so that I can stay with it enough to progress through the stages. Eventually the process gets too fast and I just try to keep up. I have started to realise that my earlier belief that, noticing should have a sensation, was a hint of something else. The fact is, that the noticing always gets there faster than my awareness of the noticing. Feels like I am always late to the party. The sensation and the noticing of it have already relaxed and had a beer. I was thinking that the sensation is the sensation of the noticing. And the fact that I’m always late means that this process could go on quite happily without me. This means that awareness, all of it, is not me. I find this really disturbing.
At the time I was only referring to physical sensations
not mental sensations. I did not make this clear at the time and for this I apologize.
3 nights ago I was about 40 mins into an hour sit. I was working to bring mental objects in to direct observation. Some progress had been made on this front. By slightly raising my eyes above the horizontal and "looking" at the area of space above and in front of my forehead I was able to see thoughts "dripping" into my stream of consciousness at a rate that was observable but not so fast as to "carry me off" as it were. Feeling rather pleased with my self I "looked" a bit closer and observed what I can only describe as sensations of "baby concepts" forming in the center of my head. And then observing them "harden" in to words. All very soft and gentle, rather beautiful actually. This process had a physical and an emotional component, but very faint.
Anyway, during the investigation of aforementioned sensations it suddenly occurred to me that they were really no different to physical sensations, and that the reason that I was having difficulty observing them was exactly the same; they were occurring and being noticed completely independently of me. I was just turning up late to the party,
again. This was a shocker and I was duly shocked.
At some point during this existential crisis, I found myself facing a black hole, surrounded by a brilliant white, flashing halo set in black space that was some how "lit up" although it was more of a feeling than anything visual. I have no memory of how I got there and no sense of context for it. I was just there. It only lasted for the briefest of moments and then I had a strong sensation of my consciousness snapping me back to reality, rather like being yanked on a piece of over stretched elastic but instantaniously. More like an on/off switch.
I had no idea what to make of this and I spent a while pontificating, before deciding that it was probably nothing. But making a firm resolution to get full enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings as soon as practical, just to be on the safe side.
So I went on with my practice. Noting away happily, smugly almost. Then I moved, or rather my body moved, just to adjust my posture a little. And it was a huge shock to me, I suddenly realized that I had no control over this, also that I never had and never would, ever again. I had "known" this before but this was different by several orders of magnitude. The rest of the sit was torture observing my body doing all kinds of verboten stuff. Twitching, smiling, moving, stretching. It was rather like the having lived on an island and then suddenly finding out that the island was the big toe of a sleeping sea monster. Or facing a charging bull elephant armed only with BB gun. It seemed to me that since I had chased my sense of self out of physical and mental sensations it had retreated in to gesture, expression, and the ability to make lasagne. I spent the rest of the evening dumbfounded, just observing all the crazy stuff my body/mind was doing, all the usual stuff as it turns out, but it was much more fun just to watch. Relaxing too, so relaxing.
Since then, more of the same, just following my body/mind around and watching it do its thing. I told my boss today that "No I will not be coming in to work today during my time off." Patiently explaining why it was not necessary and that his boss had already made this clear to both of us. I would have done this anyway, but would have been acutely anxious about it for ages. Today, not a ripple, its not that I don't care, more that I am unable to. It's not even that I can see the pointlessness of it, I don't even get that far. I just can't do it.
So, I've been looking for the cycles; A&P through the stages up until fruition I believe. How I understand this is: You see something joyous or marvelous in your life. You explore this and enjoy it. Then you realize its limitations and how it is'nt perfect after all. Then you begin to doubt your prior sense of ease and simple joy, confusion sets in maybe a little desperation. So you start to examine these difficult sensations in order to get some relief. And with some urgency, as its all rather painful and you need to find a way out, fast. This intense examination boots you up to equanimity and a bit of temporary space to get an overview.
All of the above I have observed on at least 3 separate occasions whilst out-in-the-world over the last couple of days. These are the ones I have been able to observe clearly. It only dawned on me properly that I might have hit stream entry this morning. So I've been furiously reviewing the events of the last few days and i believe a pattern is emerging. Time precludes me going into detail, but I can if anybody wants me too.
I know, this is crazy. How can I be me and not me simultaneously? No idea. Don't care at the moment either.
Which brings us to fruitions. What are they? Not sure. What I have observed is that the tension of equanimity does not go away, it needs a trigger, a release. Off the cushion this appears to be provided by an external factor. A question, a gesture, a demand. My response to this
is the fruition. It some how encapsulates and explains all the joy of A&P through the pain of dark night and balanced tension of equanimity. The whole lot collapses like a house of cards leaving you with the hard kernel of "truth," but most importantly no guilt or recrimination. You see what you did and why, you see the result clearly. Job done, move on. These opportunities occur all the time, we just don't see them because we are so damned attached to our little bit of real estate.
Oh my God, if you will excuse the mixed metaphor, but I am knackered. Let me know what you think. My head is spinning with all this, perspective would be a good thing right now.
Let me state clearly for the record, that I have never "seen" a formation or a "wave of suchness." Nada, no clue.
"I" remain perplexed, but strangely unconcerned as well.
Howard