| | Hello all,
I recently (as in last week) heard the Buddhist Geek's podcast with Willoughby Britton in which she discussed the Dark Night. I listened to this and thought, "Holy crap. This might be me." I immediately then watched the hours of interview that Dan Ingram gave at the Cheetah House and only became further convinced that I might be in the Dark Night.
I come from the Kagyu Tibetan Buddhist tradition. I have been meditating for about three years since studying for a semester at the Institute of Buddhist Dialectics in Dharmasala, India (also where I took refuge). My practice is not formal or structured in any way really. I have never been on a guided retreat. I have taken multiple retreats on my own, but never anything formal. I mostly follow the instructions of Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, but also read and meditate on various academic works, mostly by B. Alan Wallace. My main forms of meditation are observing the mind and Loving Kindness. I also use yoga as part of my practice. However, when I'm not meditating I try to apply the same sort of mindfulness to daily life and also stop to observe my mind at any opportunity during the day. Especially while doing things like driving. I say all this because when Daniel Ingram talked about those that reach the Dark Night through any formal practice and have no idea how they got there...well, if I'm there, that's probably how I got there.
Anyways, the reason why I'm writing this is because I have been having these moments of dissociation from myself and the world. In these moments, I am unable to recognize "me" being something separate from "my" surroundings or as being myself at all. These happen both during meditation and outside of it. Here are a few examples: (1) I'm walking up the stairs at my house and suddenly become acutely aware of everything I'm doing - every movement, all parts of my body, my entire surroundings from the stairs, to the room and everything in it to the entire house. I feel like I'm almost observing all this from the outside. Not in an out-of-body experience kind of way, but as if I'm in a hyper-aware virtual reality game. (2) I'll notice myself in the mirror and have this knowledge that it's not me in the reflection even though I know that it is. This isn't always how it is. If I'm looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth or to see if I have something on my face, clearly it's me. It's usually when I get a small glimpse (3) I am aware of parts of my body, but cannot recognize them as being inherently my own or separate from my surroundings. This mostly happens when I am stationary, especially while meditating. I sort of melt into my surroundings.
This started happening to me when I first returned from India. In India, I had these moments, but only felt this overwhelming feeling of bliss and love during them as if I was a part of inherent nature. However, when I returned and continued practicing, the sensation became marked by confusion and terror. They are a lack of truth and all truth at the same time; I see everything and I see nothing; I know reality and I am ignorant; I feel fear and comfort. It can be overwhelming and sometimes I have anxiety attacks because of them. I'm not sure what is happening. Is this a Dark Night sensation?
Affectionately, Jessica |