Ian Edwards:
Well, maybe some input as to where you think I may be on the insight maps could be helpful. I find it hard to trust my own evaluation of what insights I have, based on what I have read about the stages, because I find that reading about these insights causes me to search for them or perhaps even try to make them happen, rather than focusing on what is occurring naturally.
I didn't (and don't) follow the insight maps as described on this site. So, if that turns out to be an issue with you, you may want to consult someone else's opinion.
On the other hand, it seems going from what you've written here, that you are very intelligent and have figured out quite a few mind traps for yourself. This is a good sign. From your description, I don't think you need worry about doubting your ability to recognize "what is occurring naturally," although I understand your concern about having some question about whether or not you are making these experiences happen. (I have experienced the same concern when I was going through this same territory several years ago.)
If you can hold onto concentration (maintain focus on the object) during meditation, that is the main ability to want to develop, and your description seems to indicate that you are able to do this very well. At least up to some point. The insights that you described about your awareness of "I" and "me" are significant and right on track.
Ian Edwards:
"I was experiencing myself, but in a way it was not myself. The experience was not mine, nor was it anyone else's, and I realized that what I define as 'me' is only awareness. At the same time I felt like a part of everything, no separate from anything, anyone, or any experience..."
"At this point I realized that every sensation is this way, and that everything is sensation that is perceived, thus everything is of the same voidness but is separated and conceptualized in our minds because that is how we are conditioned (this is of course something I have read about before, but it is definitely different to realize this for yourself, than to simply read about it)."
Having read about some of these experiences only gives you a road map to refer to once you begin having a few of these realizations on your own, which seems to be the genuine case here. I could be wrong, but your words, if they're to be taken as a true representation of what you experienced, certainly do indicate that the realizations are true and not the result of "wishful thinking" or "pre-conceived suggestion."
I know this can be a very tricky area to traverse, but at some point you have to begin accepting responsibility for the validity of the experiences and realizations you are having. I don't sense that you are mimicking something that you have read and are just regurgitating it back. The realizations seem to be real and genuine.
Keep working on this. And if you need some direction as to where to go next, I would suggest reading Ven. Analayo's book
Satipattana, The Direct Path To Realization. It will give you much to reflect upon during your meditations.
If you find that helpful, there are other
books I can recommend reading, especially Bhikkhu Nanananda's
Concept and Reality in Early Buddhist Thought. That book alone, if correctly understood with insight, could prove to be the breakthrough to a deeper understanding of the Dhamma in anyone's practice. It helped me to cement my ideas, a few years ago, about my own practice.
The keys are: being able to clearly discern the three characteristics in all phenomena (
anicca,
dukkha, and
anatta), understanding how dependent co-arising works in conjunction with this, and mindful self-awareness of the significance of
anatta in daily living such that suffering secedes into the background.
In peace,
Ian