Three weeks to go until Goenka Vipassana 10-day course #4. Objective: stream-entry.
Thursday MorningOnly sat for 35 minutes this morning, noting sensations "one by one as they occurred" and yet with "constant thorough understanding of impermanence". (Well, maybe somewhat shaky, but I am just sorting this all out...) Looking forward to a longer session later today. Very excited and yet relaxed, feeling confident and solidly on track. What a change from yesterday! I have a strong feeling this morning that this is possible, that I am well on my way towards an understanding of the problem and the instructions comprising a solution that I can apply successfully to "do what needs to be done".
Thank you so, so, so much Daniel; without your book, videos, posts, etc. this would have remained vague, mystical, maddeningly enticing and yet forever in the future. I am starting to understand, in various senses, that "this" is in the present.
Sent a few notes around looking for noble companions for the
small private meditation retreat I am planning at the family Cottage
January 19-23. My vision is to head up Thursday, sit intensively for three days, and return Monday. I have in mind the "traditional" Vipassana schedule of 4:30am-10:30pm or so, including at least 10 hours of sitting time daily. The cottage
Mokotow is two hours north of Toronto in a straight line past Barrie, west of Penetanguishene, right on the shore of Georgian Bay. It is a solid cedar "Panabode" three-bedroom winterized bungalow with full kitchen and bathroom.
If you would like to join me (us?), please message me privately.Thursday AfternoonSat for another 35 minutes, attempting to note the breath. A bit thrown off by the
theft of some tools, but only a bit. A couple of years ago when a toolbox went missing I was totally devastated, but today I am in a position of at least partial choice over how I react. Still a bit bummed out, nevertheless. I can't be letting my sitting or not sitting depend on my mood. I'll never get past the Duke of Bananas that way.
Friday AfternoonI have been reading up on noting for the last two days or so. Pulled down all kinds of comments & links from DhO, read what MCTB has to say, etc. Just tried to sit for an hour, but only made it through half an hour. Noting rapidly most of the time, up to five or more times per second on the "straightaway" of the breath (racetrack analogy) like "in in in in in in in in in in stop out out out out out out out out out out out stopping stopping in in in..." etc. Strangest thing happened: I got unseated by an unleashed torrent of creativity like I can't believe. OMFG, after about 35 minutes, I stopped and opened my eyes, rested a minute, and came over to write up this report. I simply didn't want any more insights for now -- the implications of the ones just "received" are quite enough for one sitting, thank you. I am humbled and astonished at the power of the mind,
my mind, to intuit and integrate and narratize and understand. In the course of this I am developing some theories about what noting is actually doing -- not "dis-embedding," that's beside the point -- but directly exercising the faculty of self-presence which makes consciousness arise as the result of the experience of speech. (For a full explanation, read Leslie Dewart's book.) In other words, this is an alternative paradigm for dependent origination which is
way, way better than the traditional one. Mastering and applying this technique is going to be a wild and wonderful ride.
Saturday AfternoonOnce again, set the timer for an hour and had enough after half an hour. "Insights" for the day include:
First, isn't it funny that at a Goenka Vipassana course, absolutely everything is impermanent,
anicca, everything, that is
except the Teacher, who is digitally identical every single course, and will be until the end of time? Maybe that is why he can feel the tiny tingly pin-pricks of sensation everywhere on his body -- he is in fact a pixelated TV image! I mean this half-joking, but there is a serious side to my observation which has to do with the nature of the adequacy of consciousness in cultures such as ours whose experience of speech is based upon Indo-European languages (technically, ontic cultures). I don't have time to develop the idea fully here, but it has to do with projections of God, the idea of morality being based on obedience rather than personal initiative (responsibility), and the nature of causality as forces compelling their effects.
Second, the key issue with noting is not vocabulary -- what terms to use for what -- it is actually learning to perform a new kind of speech act.
Third, in light of one and two above, I quickly developed a scheme for noting as follows: Call everything that is body (
kaya) 1; everything that is feeling-tone (
vedana) 2; everything that is mind-states (
citta) 3; and everything that is mind-contents or thoughts (
dhamma) 4. Learn to cruise at a noting altitude of at least one and preferably about five (or more) notes per second, training at 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 then 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 etc, then maybe 1 1 1 2 2 1 2 2 1 1 1 2 2 or whatever, and gradually mix it up. Eventually, learn to combine them until I can note 1-2-3-4 1-2-3-4 1-2-3-4 and relax into that and get good enough to start noticing the background as well as the foreground (including the gaps). That will be knowledge of equanimity of formations. Whether this takes hours or years to achieve is the question, but it is surely just a matter of time and effort.
Fourth, there might be something to the idea of "embedding" after all, but I will have to review this in the light of the concept of "objectivity" and double-check for inadvertent reductionism. At any rate, I can see the usefulness of the idea, whereas I was having trouble with it yesterday.
There were a few other insights that I did manage to note and then otherwise ignore.
By the way, funny aside: I was deeply involved noting a very distinct and unpleasant sensation on my chest which was manifesting all kinds of
anicca but not the kind I wanted, which was to go away, when the dog picked that moment to sneak up on me and lick my hand. I almost jumped off the cushion.
OK, I am going to have to learn to ignore my "insights" and keep sitting. On the other hand, I am pleased with my understanding and am pretty sure that I am on the right track.
Sunday EveningHad a long and emotionally draining day. After all was done, set the timer for half an hour, attempted to sit noting. Gave up after half that time. Hey, didn't I used to have discipline and stamina?
Monday MorningBaby steps, or monumental triumph [cue angelic chorus]? Set a timer for one hour, and actually sat for one hour. OK, I'm back in the game. Wrote on a brightly colored card, "Note 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Realized shortly into the session that this would be a wonderful aspiration for later, but for now I should just stick to noting the breath and just even staying "on the cushion" (although in fact I used a DanaBench this morning which I have not been using for a while). Settled on noting "in out in out in out in out". Played with "in top out bottom in top out bottom" for a while, but found it too draining for now. Fidgeted a bit, but kept my eyes closed. Very occasionally noted such things as "thinking, itching, twisting, unpleasant, future, planning, resolving, etc." Steady deterioration of concentration over the hour, with about 98% of breaths noted in the first 20 minutes, maybe around 80% in the second 20 minutes, and probably 50% or less in the last 20 minutes, but these are impressions as I was neither counting nor checking the time. Noticed, but frankly didn't have quite the mental agility yet actually to note, several trains of reflection to the effect that this noting technique is much less violent than anapana and body scanning.
Monday AfternoonSat for an hour, but I wouldn't say all that well. Opened my eyes, uncrossed my legs, and watched the timer tick down for the last 10 minutes, at first making a half-hearted attempt to note that as "tick tick tick tick tick." Nevertheless, kept ass on cushion for one hour. Yay me.
At one point, I tried noting anything physical as
anicca, anything about pleasant/unpleasant/or general states of mind or being as
dukkha, and anything with cognitive content as
anatta. Was amusing for a while, then moved on. I bet sports announcers would be really good at this.
Heading up to the Cottage in a few days to try this for about 10 hours per day... yikes! Have not yet found anyone to come with. Feeling apprehensive about that, because I anticipate that this is going to be difficult. Going straight into a 10-day course before I have this working smoothly would be even worse.
Tuesday AfternoonSupplemental: I am reading Mahasi Sayadaw's
Practical Insight Meditation Basic Practice (1970) instructions which stipulate:
If you sincerely desire to develop contemplation and attain insight in this your present life, you must...
1 An additional rule is not to speak with contempt, in jest, or with malice to or about any of the noble ones who have attained states of sanctity. 2 If you have done so, then personally apologize to him or her or make an apology through your meditation instructor. If in the past you have spoken contemptuously to a noble one who is at present unavailable or deceased, confess this offense to your meditation instructor or introspectively to yourself.
I am sure that I have not spoken or written of Goenka with contempt or malice. Nevertheless, in the course of my otherwise serious and critical attempts to sort out how best to proceed, I have certainly framed a few comments and observations in jest. Therefore, in accordance with the above instruction, I apologize.
Sat for 51 minutes, remembered a phone call I had to make, and watched myself allow that to knock me clear off the cushion. Experimented with noting everything as either "this" or "that". The overall feeling is reminiscent of struggling to get going with body scanning a month or two ago, and I got that working adequately within a reasonable time. Learning to note is just so, so... pragmatic!
Had a lot of future-oriented thoughts about how to do what is looking like is going to be a solo retreat in a couple of days.
Wednesday MorningSat one hour, reasonably stable in terms of posture and discipline outwardly, but inwardly often lost in thought. Caught quite a few of the "mind states" along the way, though, like "anticipating, dreaming, planning, etc.," as well as some of the feeling-tones, "pleasant/unpleasant". Actual physical sensations are relatively easy to notice and note, but thoughts -- cognitive content -- is so slippery! Fail to notice that it is arising, and a moment later the entire field of experience flips into "full-screen" mode and away we go!
I was reading some synopses of Dewart's book last night and considering the two levels of speech and conscious experience (pre- or non-thematic/thematic and immediate/mediate) in light of the instructions and practice of noting. Looks like the practice is designed specifically to exercise non-thematic speech and therefore generate immediate conscious experience, and when discursive cogitation arises, to fold it back into awareness at the immediate/pre-thematic level. Could it be that deliberately training and strengthening this more primitive and generally less versatile level of mental functioning somehow eventually translates into a transformation and/or maturation of the higher level? Clearly something of the sort is going on. The practice observations I made above probably refer to a transition between immediate and mediate conscious experience of my own mental processes. The practice of "mindfulness" would seem to be countering the defective "absent-mindedness" congenitally blighting the ontic consciousness characteristic of our culture. If training pre-thematic speech and immediate experience corrects for this, then maybe Dewart's hypothesis that the defect appeared at the thematic level is incorrect; maybe the defect originates at the earlier non-thematic level, but only becomes apparent at the full thematic level.
I wish that I could find even one other living human being who knew what I am talking about, and with whom I could discuss this so that we could cook up a plan to save the human race from itself.
Supplemental: <Geek> I have crontab all set up and tested on the ol' Linux laptop to play the nice bell mp3 at some sixteen different times throughout the day for my private retreat starting tomorrow evening without any further human intervention, and I have the Ingram Cheetah House videos all loaded up on the tablet for curling up by the fire for dharma talks, as per the bells. All I have to do is remember when I hear any given bell, am I supposed to sit or salivate? </Geek>
Wednesday AfternoonSat a little over half an hour. Slacking off a bit maybe, but from tomorrow night to Monday morning if all goes according to plan, I will sit more than I usually do in two weeks. I am going to include some walking meditation, as I have heard from Daniel and others that it is under-rated.
Thursday MorningI am signing off for now, and leaving shortly to head up north for my private retreat. Unless I hear back from someone in the next couple of hours, it looks like this is going to be a solo effort. The plan is to start at 6pm this evening and keep up a schedule based on the Goenka 10-day Course timetable through Sunday night. Monday morning I will sleep a bit later and after one final sit I will release myself from my resolve and document the experience. My intention is to abstain from talking, reading, and writing except for one
document which is "the map" of the progress of insight itself, which I will follow along on as I watch the Cheetah House Videos for "dharma talks" each evening.
I am feeling quite apprehensive, as if I were facing a difficult exam for which I have been studying and practicing for diligently for months. Maybe if I read one more thread on the subtle distinctions between wordlessly observing the left nostril vs. noting the right nostril, there will be less pain in my life... ??? No, the time has come to turn off the computer, finish packing, and get going.
Therefore, I hereby take refuge in Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, and undertake this private retreat in the hope of attaining enlightenment for my own benefit and that of all sentient beings.