Oh, let me describe another experience I had before this all sort of fell apart around me. When I got home and couldn't sleep, I went out for a run. First run of the season, which I would have historically taken fairly slow. But today, when I started out, things felt pretty incredible and I started at a brisk pace. I would have a side stitch that is pretty typical, but almost immediately after seeing it, it would basically disappear among all the other sensations at the time. Again and again small pains that would normally have slowed me down or caused me to stop in the past presented themselves as usual, but then just faded into the background and I was able to continue at an impressive pace for about two miles before a feeling of pain in the very bottom of my foot (I run with the vibrams 5 fingers) stuck around and I decided that was a physical pain rather than a mental construct, and decided to call it good.
I had thoughts about why "enlightenment" would have evolved, and figured that if our ancestors had this type of ability, to basically mentally deconstruct
Back when I thought I was basically riding continuously in equanimity, this was pretty much consistant with what happened. My posture during the car ride home remained pretty much fixed, and I remember feeling the dampness and texture of my back as I finally moved. I think I hadn't required myself to move at all, for a significant portion of the trip home because the normal pain sensations would just fade away, much like my knee pains and butt pains did when I was sitting and thought I was experiencing the three vipassana jhanas (well, more specifically #2 and 4).
Similar things happened to feelings as everything started unraveling. When I said I felt misery, I was driving and basically felt like I had done myself in and really screwed up this time. I just wanted to cry, but I was about to walk into the grocery store and prevented myself from doing so. Then next thing I know, it just sort of disappeared into the background and I felt very plesent and happy again, although I may have had a small amount of anxiety present.
Right now, my physical pain doesn't seem to be fading off anymore. As I was writing this, I felt an unpleasant back pain that was basically a small spot on my back about the size of a dime that was relatively stable and unpleasant. As soon as I moved, it seemed to disappear (although quickly reappear). Knee pain that seems to manifest as a short cord of something unplesent right under my kneecap keeps popping up and causing me to readjust. Back when I felt like I was in the A&P/equanimity phase, I could see the physical sensation if I looked at it, but it wasn't really unpleasant at all. That "power" seems to have disappeared now that I've landed between the two states, and the only reason I say "between" is because that is how the presented themselves to me as I applied effort and attention to aspects of them.
For instance, when Daniel makes the sound effects
in this video about the A&P sensations, that would manifest as a very small point near the tip of my nose that basically felt like someone took 5mm mechanical pencil and would press it into the bottom of my nose in almost exactly that rhythm. Once or twice I felt it inside my left nostril, but almost always it was right in the middle on the under side of my nose where the incoming breath would split, and the outgoing breath would form an eddy and swirl back up and touch my nose. Most of the time it was most noticeable on the outgoing breath, but it was definitely present on the incoming breath, although maybe less defined.
In regards to equanimity, I would define it like a wide open space. Some sun-like lights that would float around, although those are not always typical. Painful areas when I was sitting (knees and butt specifically - I was using a stool) would almost feel like they had a protecting vibrating shield around them. Basically, I would be able to hold that state until I basically had a thought that "projected" out into the future, like pain, desire, or fear. It would basically suck me out almost immediately if I let my thoughts wander to something like that. I described the transition between 3rd and 4th vipassana jhana like (and I'm like Daniel...not so awesome with metaphor/similes) sitting on a magical airplane wing (3rd). All sorts of unplesent stuff going on like flickering lights and annoying sensations. All of a sudden I would be transported into the body of the aircraft, which had some interesting windows. Imagine quick release windows that all you had to do was look directly at them and they would open, sucking you back out to the wing. You could be aware of them in the periphery, but the moment you looked directly at one it would suck you back out to the wing. These windows were basically any thoughts or feelings that had any time component that wasn't grounded in the hear and now. I could think thoughts like "what is this" and guide the mind around, but the second I thought something like "I need to go and read MCTB to figure out what's going on here", I would be immediately rejected back into 3rd jhana.
When I describe the jhanas (I'll just start calling them #'s 2-4, because maybe they weren't jhanas afterall), that I could almost travel back and forth between at will, I basically only had three states at that time that I had been in. #2 was a very vibratory sensory state where I could feel very specific things like pressure on my nose, the feeling of a bug crawling (without any aversion) on my face, and the distinct lack of any unpleasing sensations. I could focus my attention at will, and seemed to have the ability to lock in on whatever sensation I liked. Skin sensations where almost bubbly. Most sensations were something like a when a body part falls asleep, but less intense and with virtually no unpleasantness. I could hone in on any specific part of my body and find a sensation that was consistently "poking" with the area of about the tip of a mechanical pencil lead that would pulse at some higher frequency (I didn't define it while there, and that state is totally gone from my experience as of right now, so I can't put specific numbers).
#3 was accompanied by a tightness in the chest that went from the middle of my spine, into the middle of my body and seemed to follow my esophagus up into my throat. I didn't have many thoughts of fear, but I described it as shifting between general anxiety (when the tightness was weak) to full out fear when it was almost painfully tight. It was characterized by a pulsing background at about 10 hz or so (it's changed quite a bit since then, so that's a fairly ballpark number, might have been a little slower). During times with my eyes open, the very edges of my vision would be slightly flickering at this rate.
#4 was a very smooth state compared to the bubbliness/tingliness of #2, but some aspects were similar. Pain was shielded off, as if surrounded by some force-field that wouldn't allow it to have contact with my consciousness (same as with #2). Same with fear and the tightness in my chest. Both of those were a "quick release window". Thoughts were about how wide and peaceful it was, but generally tended to center on finding the watcher. I didn't spend much time looking at it, because it really wasn't much of a relief, because my time in #3 had been fairly limited and I as much as I didn't like the tightness and flickering, I hadn't grown to find it horribly unappealing. Sound in this state was fairly high pitched and may have just been general ear ringing. Hard to say. Skin sensations can only be described as very high frequency and smooth. Not unpleasant at all, but I wasn't attracted to them either. I think the desire to stay in that state would have been a "quick release window".
Alright, gonna go take a break and not think too much about all this for a little while. Glad I got it down while I did. Thanks guys.
P.S. I do have a webcam and microphone if anyone would be so kind as to want to chat a little bit with me on Skype. I think I just need reassurance that this is typical stuff and that there are ways of dealing with everything more than anything else right now.