| | Until today I hadn't really entertained the fact that i may have crossed the A&P at some point in my life and not realized it, but on a previous post it was pointed out to me that i might have. So I'll give a brief background here of what i think may have happened and maybe you guys can help me decide if I've gotten over the A&P or not.
First of all, I've been meditating for about 11 months now. For the first probably 6 or 7, i was very unfocused about it, doing this and that, for some of the time i hadnt even been introduced to buddhist meditation yet. Also i went to a meditation class for a while and i was given what i believe to have been pretty poor, unfocused instruction. So for the past couple of months after reading MTCB I've been focusing on shamatha practices, trying to get myself into jhana to start insight practices from. I haven't yet been successful. It was because of a recent post where i asked for help because my concentration was getting poor that someone said maybe ive crossed the A&P.
I can't really remember any specific like, first A&P event, or anything like that where i had a spiritual experience and my life changed. As for the duhkka nanas, i may very well have been in them for a long time, i can relate. I'm a recovering drug addict, so yeah unsatisfactoriness has pretty much been my M.O. for a long time. I think this might signal an ongoing dark night. Daniel Ingram also cited AA/NA meetings as a place where he believes alot of people have crossed the A&P end up, which i previously thought as well and gives me more reason to suspect.
Like i said, i can't remember any crazy experience in my childhood or anything like that but, I've taken alot of drugs - which means that A) I crossed the A&P while i was high - (wouldnt be surprised, i remember plenty of times where i thought everything was "perfect" and that i had figured it all out)... B.) Drugs have fucked up my memory (which they have) and i just don't remember an earlier A&P event or C) Both A and B.
I can also remember once or a few times in insight meditation practice, i was thinking about non-self, many months ago having a profound feeling of peace, nonself, oneness, like for a second i would see it and then it would go away usually. one time specifically i remember coming out of that meditation and the sense of serenity not wearing off for a few hours, i remember driving in my car and wanting to cry because of the happiness.. maybe i lied when i said i dont remember any significant spiritual experiences... Around this time i was able to increase my meditation time from about 45 miuntes to 1.5 hrs, and then shortly after fell back down to less, and then if i remember correctly i had a period where i resisted meditation and became inconsistent. But anyway often times i go back and forth from feeling depressed, confused, without direction, disillusioned with life and feeling great, like i KNOW, and then back to not feeling so good, so on and so forth. I always chocked this up to just mood swings, normal stuff that people go through or because of the disease of addiction that i have.
Anyway, long story short what are your opinions? I cant think of much else to put here, but if i do i will edit it to include. I dont remember having any experiences with bright lights or energy perception or anything like that - have i crossed the A&P or am i flattering myself? |