Hi Colette,
Welcome to DhO,
I really would appreciate feedback from anyone who understands how to get past this, hopefully from someone with understanding of the accidental bliss-bunny trap - I am getting beaten up enough - from my Guru and Sangha projecting thier anger ideas for venturing outside to get some clarity and myself for being in such denial
I want to mention this point first, even though it’s the last part of your post; it would be worthwhile if you could find a way to completely get away from that entire group of people. I have no wish to judge the others involved, but for your own wellbeing, based on what you’ve said about their apparent projections, it may be advantageous to permanently part company with them in all aspects of your life.
I’d also suggest taking a look at your own “projections” in this situation; how much of the suffering occurring, mentally or emotionally, is down to your propagating these internal stories about the situation, and the people involved? In a situation like this, there’s likely to be resentment, bitterness, anger, but also hurt and sadness, this is something you once held as being “special” in your life. Have you also considered whether or not profession help, for example a counsellor or therapist of some sort, would be more effective in the long-term?
As far as being angry at yourself, it makes no sense whatsoever since all you’re doing is kicking your own arse around in circles; it’s happened, it’s gone. Learn from it, drop it, forgive yourself, go easy on yourself and see how you don’t need the validation of some imagined superior to simply be happy right here and now.
Appears I passed the A&P event the first time about eight years ago, and it happened again two more times, but I grasped to the state and moved to be with the teacher that I associated with knowing the way to stabilize in bliss - whoops.
I know Daniel mentions something about that in MCTB, it’s fair to say that it’s not uncommon and it’s no reason to beat yourself up. The important thing is that you’ve now recognized that those blissful states don’t lead to enlightenment, sure they’re useful and can be awesome but they won’t lead to insight without seeing the true nature of the sensations which make them up!
One good thing to come from your previous practice should be strong concentration, the ability to stay with the entire arising and passing of any sensation, seeing their impermanence and the inherent push/pull stress of attraction and revulsion; the simple fact that, no matter how hard or how long you look, there’s nothing but the experience; no “you”, no “that”, just this as it is it.
Having been knocked out of my bliss-absorption on retreat earlier this month, I seem to more directly be in and out of Dark Night and early (as in very early) equanimity (new to me), and having stumbled to this level, I lack meditation practice & stability and am thus swimming in confusion and all manner of states flickering and vanishing...I find I can't remember anything, not even what I was about to do or make a plan of any sort...I don't intend to forget, but just about as soon as I resolve to do something the idea is gone...and I forget why I am where I am physically and have no sense of anything...from local, self-reflection identity, thoughts, presence, nada...
In this moment I feel balanced, yesterday I though my head was going to explode. At least I am fairly nice about it now...
I can sit for hours unfocused and can also watch what arises and relinquish for hours too - but that leads to a lot of proliferation and seems unproductive. I can distinguish bodily & mental sensation but my focus jumps so fast and I seem to have zero control. My joke lately is if I don't like my state, I just need to weight 10 seconds. Now maybe it's more like 5 minutes - but you get the idea. The tension in my head and misery & sorrow is way less than it was, I don't associate with the body much (that broke about a months ago), I am very 'blank' internally as to where and who I am - though I am less destructive about it(don't know days of the week etc - background: I don't have a job), I'm trying not to fuck up my life any more than I already have. The main hindrances as I see them that I keep encountering are a fear that literally shakes me (like hitting something at a fast speed, but at least now I don't proliferate about it other than to say "shit") and being really really lost as to what to focus on or the way out.
It definitely sounds like you’re going through Dark Night, hitting Re-Observation and possibly early-Equanimity, which can still be pretty rough if you’re coming at it in the wrong way. The flash of fear is something I’d associate with the entry to Re-Observation, it’s like a mini-Dark Night but the best way to deal with is to let it happen. If you fight it, it’ll fuck you up; let it happen, it’s a wave that passes before you even know it.
Try to perceive the Three Characteristic as clearly as possible, all of the time, in any phenomena which is occurring at any time; is there a “you” there? Does it last any more than an instant? Does a thought leave any trace after it passes? Can you cling to a constant process of flickering, transient phenomena? What happens if you try to do so?
Look at your direct experience of reality as it happens in this very moment, the only moment you’re ever truly alive and here.
My questions are how can I move through this as quickly as possible (back off practice? - or step on the gas)
Stop fighting it, stop trying, stop doing anything other than sitting there and observing your ongoing experience. Be attentive, be present and aware of what’s happening but don’t try to force attention to be any other way than it already is right now. Trying to push it back towards the center will just cause it to bounce back and you’ll get frustrated; see the endings of sensations clearly, look at where they go when they vanish.
and what can I use as a mediation object when the center of my focus is so undefined/blurry and jumpy
This is perfectly natural for the stage you’re currently passing through, you don’t need to “do” anything or use anything else as an object other than your bare sensate experience. Look at the sensation which make up “focus”, “attention”, whatever presents itself is looking to be examined.
should I keep trying to focus, is this a time of discipline? - or relax and just let it process with awareness?
Have you tried just working with breath counting?
Sit more or less - I'll do ANYTHING.
Sit more, but try to consistently and accurately observe the true nature of any sensation that appears, however it appears; whether it’s out-of-focus or right there in front of you, investigate the sensations which imply “distance” and “space”. Stay attentive, let the focus take care of itself.
Should I focus on work and sit when I can or focus on sitting and work as little as necessary, or go into an intensive retreat (which I can do either at my house or go to a center) - I am fortunate enough to have options, because I already lost everything financially and have friends support to get out of this if I get a clear idea how best to proceed.
If you feel up to it psychologically, i.e. having come out of an emotionally demanding relationship with a “Guru” and the fallout from such an experience, then a retreat would probably be your best bet.
Just know for certain that this, like all things, will pass of it’s own accord; “you” aren’t involved, all “you” can do is to be here and live skilfully, without harm to yourself or others, and the universe will take care of itself.
Sounds like you’ve had a pretty rough time of it, but if you’re willing to commit to seeing things as clearly as possible then you’ll move on and have learned more from the experience that you’re even aware of yet. Be attentive to what’s happening right here and now, what’s occurring at the six sense doors and how effortlessly perfect it is; don’t get caught up in the mental chatter and narratives, focus on what’s actually happening here, in the world through the senses.
Hope that’s of some use to you, I have no idea how it must feel to be in a situation like that but I know that it’s possible to deal with difficult circumstances while still pursuing the end of suffering.