Yes, there is definitely restlessness and spaciness. It's like I know what's next (craving) and fear, but sometimes it's too much for me to bear. I will do my best to bear more.
Personally, I think the kind of awareness and candor you express in your threads about this bond/addiction/craving/fetter causes a natural arising of effort to start working on this particular bond (e.g., addiction/craving/fetter). I personally have learned to support a gentle, natural progress here.
For example, if I commit to eat just one meal today and then I willfully eat three meals (no matter if it is because of accepting guests' offerings or my gratifying cravings), I do not add a negative mental state to this: people may clearly see my actions and judge my failure even, and I am encouraged to be receptively and non-reactively aware of what it is to be an (my) animal subject to impulses, cravings and gratifications. This is the richly compassionate and wise part of this practice. I know from experience that this receptive and non-reactive means actually results in
efficient practice: meaning, for whatever reason, the behavioural modifications resulting from this gentle and receptive non-reactive (and mostly non-repressive) practice actually develop more quickly.
Regardless, the first few times I modified meals to once per day, I did need to apply, at least for a few moments, emergency
"mind crushing mind" restraint to prevent the action. "Mind crushing mind" is reserved for emergencies, when the action one would take is really harmful or when one cannot make progress in their practice without a brief, serious, diehard repression. I feel very lucky to learn this about cravings, addiction, gratification and unbinding from these in luxurious circumstances of personal will, of receptive non-reactive awareness and in abundance, versus via an external enforcement of deprivation (which deprivation may also come with cruelty, judgement and the ilk and these cause even greater challenges to overcoming addiction, because now one may become deeply averse to restraint, have deep cravings, and naturally develop very hard feelings, like hatred, and very severe predilections of action such as killing). There are some amazing teachers of all walks of life and practices and traditions who come from severe treatment, yet they truly teach and practice mettā, equally and including their prior "handlers".
Bhikkhu Anālayo (p 195, Satipaṭṭhāna: the Direct Path to Realization, Windhorse, 2003) has a significant footnote which encourages mettā on the basis of several suttas, and its capacity to weaken fetters and "I" (noting also that mettā alone does not completely dissolve the latter). To a group of listeners, he mentioned recently his own practice of mettā, for several hours a day, leaving only a few hours for other meditative practice. And he mentioned mettā's utility for progress at the four-stage level in the fetter model of awakening (once-returner to non-returner). He also spoke to the etymology of mettā (mitto: friend) in order for practitioners to really know what they should be practicing (friendliness), as loving kindness can be a bit abstract. Bhikkhu Anālayo also notes that mettā treats ones own low self-esteem and alienation "and thereby provides an important foundation for successful insight meditation."
Personally, a problem I have seen in myself with "loving kindness" as a translation for
mettā is it can be, for someone like me of limited practice, "high-brow" and even condescending in those encounters which are particularly agitating to the practitioner (say, where the practitioner has feelings of aversion, or is repressing their anger/disgust by sort of forcibly applying mettā, which in actuality is applying more aversion than actual mettā and
this kind of aversively applied practice is really an emergency effort (in the
"mind crushing mind" category) but if used long-term will re-inforce, instead of dissolve, fetters of which one is forewarned of in the Progress of Insight, such as conceit.
Sotapanna has a natural conviction now in the training, and so now any practice can really develop and sink in - it is like one's fitness is at a good base-level now: one wants to do the practice and will not harm themselves with distracted/partial or aversive-to-the-practice will. So here mettā has a great chance of re-forming citta, to the point that hinderances arising in one's dream-state also begin to re-form wholesomely.
To know that a scholar-monk with many other duties spends several hours per day in meditative and mindful training of the mind in friendliness (mettā) is not something I should ignore. I am also reminded of
Gotama's reply to Ananda on the importance of admirable friendship. Again, this is why our shared practices cultivate each other's practices and citta, like a rising tide lifts all ships.
I am testing out intermittent fasting as well. Like cutting meals down to 2 meals in the morning, and then 1, and then eventually once every two days (if it doesn't overwhelm me on my next retreat).
I think this is very useful to the mind, both in terms of understanding directly through personal experience craving and in terms of causing natural empathy and wisdom.
To approach this craving-gratification at Equanimity or sotapanna is very anchoring and very useful: Truly, it shows exactly what mental craving and mental unbinding feel like. Thereafter, one can well feel the same unpleasant pull when ill-will or restless grasping or other fetters arise. These are called "fetters" because they bind like addiction. They bind based on gratifying feeling, and this craven feeling actually obscures the real delight of actual eating, actual intimacy, actual sleep. One does not need to, as a lay person, give up many activities, but one benefits immensely by dissolving the addictive contact. Without addictive contact, one can really savor these activities. It is as if they become "better" - as if time slows down and enjoyment of them spreads out, becomes greater. It is simply because the unpleasant din and terrible pull of addiction is undone.
Can you tell me about taking care of health out of compassion for oneself? Like I understand brushing teeth is wisdom, but sometimes chiropractic seems to be an "extra" (although it does help relax muscles immensely after 6-8 months of not stretching regularly or getting adjusted).
I take any stretch that feels good and apply the body and breath to it for no less than two full minutes (unless it is unstable, such as a balancing stretch); the inhalation is no less than 5-seconds and the exhalation is no less than 5-seconds (and I do allow myself regular breaths if it seems helpful). I do no stretch that causes pain or discomfort; knowing well the sukkha of a beneficial stretch and the dukkha of a forced stretch (be careful: having an ego with the hamstring muscles can cause a very quiet, painless "pop" to occur which takes no less than 7 months to a year to heal with gentle, very very attentive mild stretching.) I have two severe tennis elbows in recent weeks and I treat them with basic stretches and have been able to, thankfully, do a lot of work with hands and forearms still. I do not want surgery and have developed trust in this 2-minutes-with-5-sec-breathing over the past 10 months. This also healed well a slightly torn wrist ligament over a three-month period.
[edit: so, knowing your own health and pains and (limits of/extents of) healing will help you with others, because eventually, people see your well-being despite ailments and they start to be drawn to authenticity, gentleness and healthfulness. Considering that great teachers, such as Gotama and dysentary, die with massive aliments or trauma, one's practice cannot ultimately avoid pain/injury/demise, but it treats well suffering]It seems like I am clinging to the body, but I would like to change my attitude so that I am doing it out of compassion and not clinging. Obviously, dedicated compassion practice would help, no? Is it OK to take pleasure in a healthy body and take care of it so it is healthy or is this holding me back from liberation?
When you do the modified eating practice, you will quickly learn what is the nature of craving contact and what is the mind unbound. Then you can approach activities knowing if you are subtly or grossly craving the gratification or if the mind is released from gratification
and those free to do or not do a particular activity. Your own bodily study and healing will help others: Many people start from a position of mental and physical misery and want the liberation of buddhist meditation about which they've heard or read. Truly, the start of the path is as a great heap of suffering, mind and body cycling harmfully, fearfully and in greater and greater volume of stress, not sure how to stop fostering the escalating greed, hatred and delusion.
Then, when such a mind first feels relaxation of, say, yoga asana and pranayam, the mind starts to tackle the problems of the body, because, wow, it feels good. It feels much better than fear and disgust and anger.
Whether the person knows it or not, the good physical practice will also start to effect the mind: a person with a job in which there is conduct/custom that troubles them, for example, may find themselves getting very good at the body practice (such as yoga asanas) yet very dissatisfied by their work (say, for example, they can no longer ignore that their work profits from investments in the slaughter or exploitation of sentient beings or commercialization and pollution of water, etc).
Removing the great mass of suffering is bliss and staying in the great mass of suffering is hell, but for some reason it feels like a big struggle to make the crossing from hell to bliss. If the crossing from suffering to unbound mind did this all at once as a society, then much of the perceived suffering would not arise. Much of the suffering comes from a craven/desperate bond one has with neighborhood and changing behaviour around long-term associates. Yet, really a person can just gently start to follow the path, with no judgement of others, and all will appreciate their changes.
For example, a person who hears a lot of hatred at work can just start to softly listen, like a softly reflecting mirror, seeing the person's strengths and good potential as the person makes a hateful joke or what not. Over time that person changes because they have been treated softly, with respect, without aversion. I didn't know this when I started the practice. I did not know to find a role model and I was too self-centered/stubborn/convinced I could do the path on my own perhaps, to even know perhaps to ask anyone about this. But, really, being a mirror of receptive non-reactive awareness and then working on one's own dharma, one's own conduct, this works very, very well for those around such a practitioner. It creates problems to set a "deadline", but I'd like to say this sort of listening has particular effects after about six months to a year. And, if one becomes confrontational to a misconduct (in contrast to non-reactive, receptively aware), then the confrontation arises from a landscape of prior wholesome composure and the confrontation can be more effective.
Also, on retreat, I was testing out not eating the foods I like. Like only eating plain oatmeal in the morning or skipping some wonderful lunch items. Is this something I should do more? It feels like self-deprivation sometimes or like an aversion to desire....
Oh yes! I understand this exactly. I once asked for the day's menu because I wanted to know which meal would be most satifsying (yes: gratifying, bound-contact). This is natural and useful: because, as you observe, to miss a wonderful meal begins to feel like deprivation. To live a life in willful deprivation can grow to a superior, conceited view. Whereas to live without craven contact may cause the choice to not eat the exact same meal, but will leave no mental trace. So, I think it is good to know exactly what you are doing --- asking to see a day's menu, knowing you want your one or two meals to be the most gratifying ones you can eat, and going with this. When the time is right, you can then practice just having one or two meals before noon (or just the evening meal, or something) and you can explore the craving and the non-gratification
of even your favorite meal. I have done this this way and found it very helpful, effective and efficient..
So, to be clear, relax the practice a little when deprivation comes on. Even relax it a lot. For example, if you want something badly, even eat it abundantly. This can help one complete their practice at later non-meals: one just repeats "I can eat what I want tomorrow before noon." I have done this with whole bags of junk food, then been able to respect non-eating after midday. Funnily enough, when the next morning arrives I am not hungry and when I do eat I tend to eat a moderate meal. So, in my first efforts, I really amped up some gratification in order to offer a "prize" during the restraint periods
It is a great value to study craving and gratification in this kind of luxury of choice and abundance, with both gentle allowance and gentle restraint. And you can trust that you will be progressive about this practice (meaning you will naturally escalate the effort) because if a person - even a teacher - does not mind themselves progressively, then their own suffering will become apparent. In addition, the problems arising from this willful stagnacy in craving and gratification will show that meditator's practice to be non-adept. It may not arise for many years, but eventually such a willfully stagnant "practitioner" will be confronted by the effects of their unchallenged self-gratification and their willful training in ignoring their addiction: they may, as a teacher, be placed next to an adept teacher and feel embarassment, they may feel aversion for their own students who mimic this willful stagnacy, they may remember their own teacher and feel great remorse for having lived years in willful addiction. What can they do: return to beginner's mind. In teachers it is as if minding the gratification of craven eating --- this massive, biologically natural reward --- is one of the last cravings some teachers choose to subject to their sati, and thus they spend years permitting and re-inforcing this craving. There is no shame here: they can just start the correct effort that very moment. Only the first few days will seem hard, then the progress will sail. That is the value of direct, experiential, "wet" insight.
Edit: Meanwhile, I personally am averse to spelling and proof-reading, condensing
...so I have a lot of edits. But I know that this changes gradually, with awareness and candor and steady,gentle application. I try to also be aware of the harm I can do if I write something incorrectlyedit 2: I've also added a little "mind crushing mind" here as the gratification of impatience is dangerous and this particular area of impatience is starting to get "old" to even me. So, it's a constant tweaking and sensitivity of "what effort would be good here and now?"What's your experience on retreats where the only outlet for "self" is through taste consciousness?
Just knowing this is very useful. I find as soon as I see and acknowledge this sort of symptom or evidence, that I will start orienting towards knowing its stress and gently dissolving this stress. This is another reason to just listen to people in non-reactive, repcetive awareness: often times people have the right, wholesome answer within them and if they are heard like a gentle mirror, then they will either directly find their own right answer or wind their way to it. If they really don't know, they ask. So, I think your awareness and candor in your posts about hunger, eating, taste consciousness all indicate you are already gently resolving this binding.
[edit: chat and PM seem to be broken. "Hi" back at ya'.
A few other syntax edits, too]