Hi everybody

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This is my first post so forgive me if it is not suited for discussion here, being a drug related experience, but I'd be very interested in discussion or opinions. I'm desperate to work out what is going on.
After smoking a high dose of DMT I experienced a profound split-brain experience beautifully decribed in Jill Bolte Taylors TEDtalk:
"Stroke of insight"My internal dialogue separated into a distinct entity: becoming extremely analytical and emotionless, constantly describing every feature of my experience in words. It rapidly noted, with no alarm but interest, that I may be having a stroke. It also noted the presence of another entity that consisted of a "tempest" of synesthetic visual-auditory-emotional perception. My dialogue noted that "this is probably similar to what a baby experiences". This was qualitatively different to any psychedelic experience I've had and I've had a lot.
I have always had a great tolerance and affinity for DMT and indole psychedelics, I've never met anyone that responds as favourably as I do. But this experience disturbed me and I've not considered taking it since. The most disturbing component was the unfamiliar, alien-like nature of the non-language entity. Although I didn't feel my internal dialogue was emotional it seemed to regard this entity and its lack of symbolic understanding with contempt, as if it was barely conscious. The non-language entity had the features of Jill Bolte Taylors description of the "right brain", she describes it incredibly well, and I wanted to engage with this experience but was restricted by the activity of the dominant "language capable" entity.
During a recent nervous breakdown, precipitated by stress-induced symptoms that I misattributed to activity in my tumour (which caused my stress-induced symptoms to deteriorate and reinforce my misattribution error, etc, etc), I experienced similar phenomenon:
- Hypnopombic "locked-in" events - when surprised awake my body would respond to stimulus, e.g. run around and try to answer the phone, but I would be "locked in", unable to control even my eye movements with my body responding dumbly to stimulus. I feared my Girlfriend may be misperceived, by my stupid body, as a threat and asked her not to stay with me.
- Narrowing of attention - Seperation of my narrative self, similar but different to the DMT experience. I would describe it as more "dissociative" and similar to ketamine. I also became unable to cope with the attentional demands of driving a car - similar to driving without sleeping for a number of days
- Perceptual substitutions - I would look for something in my house, find it, pick it up, walk in to the bathroom and attempt to squeeze toothpaste onto a book. Then wonder what the hell I was looking for in the first place, it wasn't my toothbrush. I also left work half an hour early after looking at the clock and seeing that "I only have half an hour to go" then immediately stood up and left. I was surprised when I got to the train station early and even more surprised when work was calling me to see where I am.
BackgroundI'm a 30yo male, 80kg with a pilocytic astrocytoma in my right posterior cerebellum. The tumour (21x14x24mm) is heavily calcified and a cystic cavity (16x14mm). The tumour was partially resected, along with a large cyst extending to the anterior cerebellum, in 2004. The tumour has migrated toward the mid-line of my cerebellum, since my 2006 MRI, and is now significantly affecting my vermis. The tumour appears stable with no new growth.
I suffer symptoms consistent with cerebellar cognitive affective disorder:
WikiThis is an hour long but a much more thorough outline:
Cerebellar Cognitive Affective SyndromeIt is also possible I am mildly autistic, diagnosis is confused by my cerebellar tumour but there is evidence of autistic behaviour from a young age.
Currently my most palpable symptoms are:
- extreme emotional lability - frequent uncontrollable crying.
- social aversion - extreme sensitivity to negative social stimulus
- autistic-like symptoms
- recent transient outbursts of verbal aggression - non-violent and very short e.g. 60 seconds followed by shame, regret and profuse apologies. (aggression has never been consistent with my character).
I also have a unique recereational drug profile: I cannot tolerate cocaine or "ice", these drugs make me feel incredibly uncomfortable "jumping out of my skin" and I will not take them. I'm fairly ambivalent to phenylethylamines and methamphetamine but I respond very strongly to modafinil. I LOVE indole psychedelics and regularly use cannabis.
I apologise for the length. Honestly, I could probably write for hours about strange subjective experiences that may, or may not, be relevant. I'm happy to answer any questions, obviously.
I find these experiences extremely fascinating but also difficult and scary and would appreciate some novel opinions, insight or discussion.
If you've read this far, thankyou for your time and much more-so if you have some insight to contribute