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Dear Mr. Shashank,
It sounds as if you may be experiencing a strong feeling of saṃvega. The Lord Buddha himself experienced such feelings; indeed, nearly all Western monks feel this way. Saṃvega implies a distaste or dissatisfaction for the world, a yearning for the holy life, and a sense of urgency.
If you go to a Buddhist country to ordain, I’m sad to report that you won’t find much Buddhism there. That is, you won’t find the core, the essence, of Buddhist practice. What you’ll find is monks who are trained to work in village temples, perform ceremonies, and give hour-long dhamma talks which the laity will sleep through. You’ll find donors and supporters whose practice is limited to bringing food to the monks, reciting verses, and worshiping the temple bodhi tree. Or you may obtain a formal degree from a Buddhist university, become a scholar, write books, etc. I personally can not understand how such a practice helps one to attain Nibbāna; but then again, I’m neither a scholar nor a village monk—just a transplanted American Buddhist who formally converted to Buddhism (Mahāyāna) in 1966, and became a Theravāda monk in 2001. I’m 65 years old.
In a Buddhist country, the traditional practice is for a layman to live in the temple as a white-garbed upāsaka for a few months, observing 8 precepts, and learning monastic routine. Afterwards, he may become a ten-precept samanera (novice) for another 6 months or so, then receive the upasampada (higher) ordination and take on the 227 patimokkha rules.
Are you a meditator? Do you meditate very much? Do you have a meditation teacher? I ask this because meditation and mind-training is the core of Buddhist practice.
If you are a meditator, my advice is this:
Become a samanera (novice) locally, in India, if possible. Then, with 6 moths to a year of experience, come to Sri Lanka or Burma or Thailand or England (Amaravati monastery) or Australia (Perth) for higher ordination. Arriving as an ordained samanera will automatically confer upon you a modicum of status.
If you come to Sri Lanka, even as a layman, I would be happy to introduce you to various monasteries and meditation centers. From what little I gathered from your letter, you might do well at Amaravati monastery in England, or perhaps a forest monastery in Sri Lanka, such as Na-Uyena or Mitirigala. Stay for a while, if invited, then pursue your higher ordination there.
Even now it would be a good idea for you to travel, visit lots of temples and meet lots of practicing, meditating monks, then join with the ones with whom you feel a kinship.
The Lord Buddha said to attendant Ānanada that having spiritual friends or kin (kalyānamittā) is the whole of the holy life. In other words, it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to go it alone. Even the Lord Buddha practiced for more than 6 years under various teachers, then continued in the company of the five ascetics. He split up from the five for only the briefest period—just a few months—and after he attained enlightenment, what did he do? —he rejoined the five.
With highest hopes for your happiness, |