Hello Claudiu,
I apologize, in advance, for seeming to highjack this thread to make these points. But they are related to the discussion taking place.
Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem:
Does that explanation make sense?
Thank you for taking the time to explain this for me (and, in addition, for others). Yes, your explanation
does make sense to me. You analyzed it perfectly and clearly. At least as far as my own understanding of what you meant is concerned. If you don't mind, I would like to use your analysis to point out a few things which may be of benefit for yourself and others.
Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem:
I think it was indeed a matter of "view". Essentially, the view I had taken up after reading MCTB and beginning to practice in accordance with it was that all phenomena must be seen as they really are, that is, as exhibiting the three characteristics of impermanence, not-self, and unsatisfactoriness. Thus, the only problem, from my view, was mistakenly seeing phenomena as permanent, self, or satisfactory. I figured if I could see all phenomena as impermanent, not-self, and unsatisfactory, in real-time, that I would no longer have any problems in my life in a fundamental sense.
It is good that you realized that this was a matter of how you were "viewing" it. The real problem, in addition to being able to address one's own held "views," takes more than just superficially changing one's view on a conscious basis. Just changing
how one views such phenomena
is only one step on the road to overcoming the effect of unwholesome ingrained views in the psyche. You have to root out the "ingrained" quality of the unwholesome experience in order to actually be free of its effect. Does that make sense?
And in order to do
that, there is more work to be done than just simply changing the superficial view of the event (phenomenon) in your mind. In other words, changing that superficial view does not, by itself, root out the ingrained effect this can have on the psyche. There has to be a moment of recognition, of inner knowing, an ah-ha moment so to speak, that disposes (
discharges) the effect at the psychic level of the mind. If you haven't done
that work, nothing you do on a superficial level of mind is going to work to rid you of those unwholesome and emotionally charged engrams (or underlying tendencies), which will come back to haunt the mind until they are eventually removed altogether.
Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem:
After beginning to practice in this way, soon I started experiencing some sort of interesting sensations in my head area, and during my daily life - when I wasn't formally meditating! I thought this was great. Previously, I had only experienced 'interesting phenomena' when deep in meditation. This was, to me, the first evidence that I was doing something right - that I was experiencing something out of the ordinary during my daily life as a direct result of my meditation. I liked it, just as you said you do in your post. I took it as a sign of being mindful and I indeed sought to cultivate it. Ultimately this helped with my then-goal of achieving the MCTB paths as I got its stream entry, and later paths, soon after having first experiencing it. Putting my attention on it definitely helped my concentration and was an easy object to get back to during the day.
Yes. I've had the exact same responses to this phenomenon myself. And there is nothing wrong with cultivating these realizations of this phenomenon and using that realization in your waking conscious life. It corresponds to "skilful means," allowing one to implement dispassion and equanimity in place of attachment. Though these subtleties may not be adequately or clearly explained in the discourses, they are none the less
there for those who can read between the lines.
Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem:
However, it sort of turned on me. I was very persistent and soon my default mode of experience became paying attention to that nimitta. The problem was that a lot of the time I was going through a dark night, which was not pleasant at all, and I quickly grew to dislike the pressure as it was both physically and emotionally painful. It often got to the point where really all I wanted was to not experience the tension anymore and I would be happy. It was not lost on me that before I ever started meditating I never experienced such a phenomenon.
These statements point to insight. But that insight must be used "skilfully" in order to accomplish your intended goal of rooting out these (what is called in the discourses,
asavas) or underlying tendencies.
I'm sure that it is not lost on you that you pointed out that as you were undergoing this period, that you were also in the midst of passing through a dark night. That
association in your mind creates an
asava or underlying tendency. That underlying tendency was based on information and reactions that were false in nature. In other words, once you realized that the dark night was "false evidence appearing real," that recognition (realization) released (discharged) the energy holding that
asava in place in the mind.
The same thing has to happen with every other unwholesome underlying tendency associated in the mind. It takes time to accomplish this, which is possibly why it is not often enough mentioned in places like this. In other words, people want a "quick fix" for the causes of
dukkha in their lives. But that's not how it works in reality. You have to root these causes out one by one as you recognize them in your psyche!
Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem:
Now, combine this with the view above, that the only problem was mistakenly seeing phenomena as permanent, self, or satisfactory and all I had to do was see them as impermanent, not-self, and unsatisfactory to solve said problem. It was obvious that this pressure had become a problem because it was so unpleasant. I knew it was impermanent as it wasn't there all the time and even when it was it was constantly fluxing. And I certainly knew it was unsatisfactory both as a general concept and in real-time. But I had all sorts of anxieties and thoughts and fears associated with it, and it was so unpleasant, that it basically felt like a painful blob of 'me-ness' that I had not properly seen as not-self to the correct degree... thus it felt like 'self' in some deep, remarkably annoying, painful way.
I hope the language you have used here is not being lost on you. Have you taken the time to really explore (contemplate, either during or outside of formal meditation) the aggregate of
vedana or "feeling" and how that affects the dependently co-arising of phenomena? As soon as you begin to recognize (awaken to and know) this fact, it can discharge the energy holding an
asava in place!
Therefore, it takes doing insight practice into seeing
this process taking place in the mind as it is taking place so that you are then able to preempt its execution! And eventually eliminate the
asava causing its arising altogether. This is how to set the mind FREE from being afflicted by events and causations that are
dukkha (dissatisfying)!
I've attached an essay I wrote several years ago which might help to shed some light on the contemplation of "feeling." Feel free to search for other writings about this important aspect of the practice for further edification.