Akash K:
Are you telling me that I will never be able to enjoy the basic things in "modern life" the way I used to before ? I will never be able to fulfill the materialistic ambition I had before ?
Nope, you'll come back, I'm just suggesting a way to make it happen faster and with less disruption. You won't enjoy them the way you used to, but there will be enjoyment of them.
Akash K:
I do experience mental suffering related to disgust, lack of joy, etc .
What happens if you do a body scan when these sufferings arise? These are sankharas, possibly the very ones your guide has been pointing you at (though I don't know.)
Akash K:
My practice of Metta is in the Goenka style, usually lasting for upto 10 minutes after a 50 minutes Vipassana session
I'm guessing you're doing the practice described in
this video containing metta instructions from Goenka. The instructions are good, but a bit limited in my opinion.
His instructions connect the practitioner directly to the good will which remains when the mind is cleared of defilements after a long session. This is a very reliable approach, but unwieldy and inapplicable in many situations where metta is useful.
You don't have to restrict metta-bhavana to the end of successful vipassana sessions. There are many schools of practice which
start each session with metta. You don't have to restrict the spread of metta to extant external beings. You can cultivate metta for yourself, or for some phenomenon which is arising in your experience. You might try playing around with this. I found the instructions in chapter 6 of
Mindfulness Bliss and Beyond helpful for this.
This is a different kind of metta practice than Goenka recommends. In that case, you are connecting to what's already there after clearing away defilements. In this case, you are fostering a new personal identity which emphasizes metta. There is basis for both approaches in the scriptures. (See the
snake chant for an example of the latter kind.)
Akash K:
Can you give me some suggestions on how to cultivate metta towards Music ? I would really like to be able to enjoy Music again.
Listen to some music and cultivate metta for the experience of it in the same way Brahm suggests cultivating metta for the breath in
Bliss and Beyond (last paragraph.) If the reactions of disgust/lack of joy etc. come up, either do vipassana, or cultivate metta for them.
Initially, I recommend doing this after your usual 50 min vipassana + 10 min metta practice, so you have a good base of stable attention and metta to start from. (Assuming you are actually feeling good will during those 10 min metta sessions.)
Akash K:
I'm certain my equanimity has decayed, generally due to frustration caused by detachment and lack of stable meditation practice. I have almost given up on this whole thing and just want to be "normal" again.
It's worth noting that in the model I'm putting forward, the frustration and detachment
is the decay, and the problem can be approached at that level by responding with metta. I.e., frustration arises, metta; detachment arises; metta.
It's clear that you are experiencing liking, disliking, craving, aversion and attachment. I am not criticizing as I experience these things too. However, this is in contradiction to the Goenka doctrine.
[quote=S. N. Goenka (roughly speaking)]But if we are aware at the point where the process of reaction begins—that is, if we are aware of the sensation—we can choose not to allow any reaction to occur or to intensify. We observe the sensation without reacting, neither liking nor disliking it. It has no chance to develop into craving or aversion, into powerful emotion that can overwhelm us; it simply arises and passes away. The mind remains balanced, peaceful. We are happy now, and we can anticipate happiness in the future, because we have not reacted.
The Art Of Living (free download) p. 92
The question this raises for me is whether you have developed some sort of subtle repression of liking, dislking, etc. If so, that is the sankhara you need to study.
Akash K:
Please elaborate if you can on whats the best I can do for my future/live in a more fulfilling manner/what lies ahead. Should I stop Insight practice altogether and focus only on Metta to regain my Emotional foundation ? I feel my mind has been stripped off of emotions and what's left is equivalent to the bark of a tree. I cannot cry in agony, cannot express joy/excitement when happy, and I dont really dig being a passively equanimous nobody at my age (I am 21).
First, meditate consistently. It needs to be among the top two or three priorities in your life, after eating and sleeping. You're at a point where you can't really go back any more. But don't worry, the way forward is not onerous, and yields great rewards.
Second, it sounds as though you have developed great skill with vipassana, and emotional disturbance is not keeping you from practicing it, so there is no need to drop vipassana. However, giving greater emphasis to metta and bringing metta into your daily life would be a very good idea.
Lastly, go over the role of equanimity in your vipassana-bhavana practice with your guide, and try to determine whether subtle repressive reactions have evolved in your attempts to cultivate equanimity.
This problem is not as big as it seems at the moment. You have developed exactly the skills you need to address it.
One last thing; having cultivated metta, you would benefit by going on to develop the other brahma-viharas. They are very useful.