I’ve always been naturally funny with a good sense of humor but shy at the same time. Throughout high school I didn’t have much confidence in myself and was very self-conscious, which continued this way through my first two years of college. I made huge strides in college but always let my ego rule my mind. It wasn’t until one of my professors mentioned this book in class, saying how it completely changed her life. I must have suppressed this memory because it couldn’t have come at a better time later down the road. This time was during my summer job working as a web developer. Now at first I enjoyed this position, but could never find a passion or a knack for it despite loving it in high school. Anyway, I kept having thoughts of “I am not good enough for this job” and “I am only an intern, no one here respects me”, etc. These thoughts continued until one day I couldn’t take it anymore, I absolutely dreaded going into work. However I remembered my professor talking about a book that changed her life, found it online, then grabbed it on the way home at Barnes and Noble. Little did I know that this book would completely change my life as well.

That night I got really stoned and started reading the book. Even the first page resonated with me where Eckhart said “If I can not live with myself anymore, there must be two of me” or something like that. I kept reading and many instances in the book made so much sense to me that I could actually connect them to personal experiences in my life. I think this is what made the change so radical, pretty much my ability to directly compare the book to my life (situation). Anyway, the book completely destroyed my negative and condescending ego. I felt unlocked and I totally felt the power of now through my body. I found extreme peace in simply sitting on my deck and just being. Being one with myself and one with the world. I felt aligned with something so much greater than me that I couldn’t even describe it. It was as if the world was working in my favor, handing me things that honestly seemed too good to be true. Things would happen to me, small things yet so powerful and meaningful. I wish I could give an example, but it was maybe 6 months ago and I cannot. Anyway I felt perfect, nothing could budge this state I was in. No words or actions could separate me from this feeling I was having. I was so sharp and focused and funny and confident. These words cannot even begin to describe my feeling because it was so pure and natural. I felt connected to people in such a strange way that one of my favorite things to do was talk. I could literally talk to someone for hours and love every moment. The emotions I felt did not stem from my mind, they came from my body. I believe I even fell in love at some point, even if it wasn’t that was what it felt like.

This was my summer, the most amazing life experience I had ever had. I felt I could do anything; I had access to unlimited potential. Then I went back to college for my junior year. Everything was great at first, but then slowly something happened. I am not sure what, but it was as if I was falling from grace. It had its ups and downs, the ups being when I could somehow return to the now. I could literally feel the connectedness to higher being. I could feel a higher power in my body.

Now (January 2013) I feel numb, not connected to any of my friends; they do not feel like friends even though I love all of them. I feel alienated from my family; I can feel myself emitting some awkward and poisonous energy. It is the scariest experience of my life because I can literally not go on like this. After experiencing the true nature of my being, this state of living is so strange. Thought has returned and struggle within and without is now my normal everyday life. I continuously seek the now, which I think contributes to this feeling. Perhaps now that I know of my greater potential, I seek it with such capacity that I am draining my energy, however I cannot shake it. The thoughts keep coming back into my head. I used to be the wittiest amongst my friends, now I feel like I am not funny. I cannot hold conversation. It feels like I am just coasting through life, that the experiences I am apart of just do not feel like I was actually there. My brain or mind or something feels like it is turned off. I do not feel smart or confident. Confidence now feels alien to me, I feel an awkward sense when I look people in the eyes for even a few seconds. I do not understand what is happening. It is as if I am stuck between states of consciousness. I am nor conscious or unconscious. I am here but I am not. It is the scariest feeling and it has actually brought me to tears. I do not want to talk to a therapist or someone about it because I know it is an issue with myself, created by myself. I have looked for answers online but I know it has only made it worse. I am trying to self diagnose something created by my mind and turning it into a reality. I feel like I am giving myself anxiety, which I have never had a problem with before. Even conversing with my older brother (the closest person to me in the world) I cannot hold conversation. I used to be able to talk with him for hours, shooting the shit and whatnot. Now even talking to him feels unnatural. I have tried to read the power of now to make sense of this, but nothing resonates like it did. My problems seem unable to be answered with Eckharts words. He speaks about problems about the life situation, but I am not waiting for a moment in the future. This feeling is pushing people away from me. It is pushing away my closest friends, my family, my girlfriend, all people I love dearly. I am able to sit still and produce no thoughts, seemingly in the now, but this feeling does not leave. It is a feeling of no desire to literally do anything. I used to absolutely love being with people, now I am almost afraid of it.

5. Dissolution
6. Fear
7. Misery
8. Disgust
9. Desire for Deliverance
10. Re-observation

Hi.
I had similar experiences while/after reading TPON (actually it had started before, but reading the book seemed to reinforce them), although less profound than what you are describing. After half a year, most of it passed. I found myself in total confusion and didn't know what to do. MCTB gave me an explanation. I got a teacher and meditated myself to some sort of semi-stream entry, which ended the confusion. I'm very happy about that. The other effects you describe are very nice, but probably won't return or stay. (At least they didn't for me.)

I didn't read TPON again since - I now consider it to be rather misleading and probably doing more harm than good. Getting a qualified teacher was the best thing to do in this situation for me. Note: although I had already passed A&P once, I still made all kinds of stupid mistakes when I started formal meditation training. A teacher always pulled me back on track. So your experience doesn't guarantee that you won't get stuck.

Other than that: I doubt that meditating 20 times will lead you through all of the dukkha nana stages. On the other hand, Daniel seems to state that it is possible for some people so whatever...

What is your meditation practice at the moment?

Read MCTB once thru and try to get all the concepts and vocabulary down. Then reread the book again with this new viewpoint and see what you can get out of the book. If you are past the arising and passing away and into the dark night area then the best thing is to meditate yourself past it and get to Equanimity. You will probably cycle through the stages several times as most of us have. Get better at meditation and you should be able work thru the stages a bit faster. Find a local teacher that knows the stuff in the book or skype some teachers.
Good luck
~D

Oh man, I read The Power of Now over 10 years ago, back before hardly anyone heard of Tolle, and cool life changing stuff like this never happened to me... :-) (I did love the book though)

The advice you've been given is good. I also like Shinzen Young for a very technically focused practice. If you prefer more "just be" styles of practice, look into Advita or Dzogchen.

Hey Jake,
Just wanted to say I can really relate with your story. I am a pretty quiet guy myself, and in high school much of the time I felt mentally locked up, like there was a hard barrier in my brain which I could not cross to interact with friends and other people. Then, I had a day where everything was going well, I was no longer restrained by myself, I felt like my brain was sharper and loosened up.. Anyhow that day I had what I would call now an enlightenment experience, or taste, where for a brief period all the barriers between me and world were gone, and I was totally "in the movie" so to speak.

To me it sounds like you had a similar experience. Anyhow, now that that has happened, clearly you have a vision of the immensely joyous state in which it is possible to live. I would call this a vision of enlightenment. It is a helpful thing to have because it can guide in your practice, and motivate you; wherever you're at you know in the back of your mind whether your current state matches the state you tasted, and so can put effort into practice accordingly.

It sounds like you are now on the right path with meditating, and reading MCTB. I think that book has extremely good advice for practice, especially the emphasis on constant effort in mindfulness, which I have found to be KEY! My advice for the dark night, and pretty much any stage is just keep on practicing, don't push yourself too hard, but push hard enough.
Cheers man, good luck!

Hi Jake,

I have two suggestions.

1. Take a multi-vitamin/mineral supplement + vit B + vit D + krill oil. This will stabilize your nervous system quickly and effectively, making you less labile.

2. Try not to feel any compassion for your self in your current situation. This was a breakthrough for me, and very counter-intuitive. People say "be kind to yourself", which is good if it is interpreted as "eat well, exercise, do fun things". But if it's interpreted as feeling sympathy or compassion for yourself, then it aggravates things severely. Read more in "Encounter with the Nagual". by Armando Torres..

I would recommend an old self-help book that will help reduce any repression of healthy desire: Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz goes indepth about the self-image. He was a plastic surgeon but he met many patients who didn't need surgery but had self-image problems instead. He taught how to change the self-image which is a big clue related to impermanence.

Next I would read some good books on Meditation:

Direct Path to Realization by Analayo
5 aggregates by Boisvert

With meditation the purpose is to eliminate craving completely. As Shaila Catherine points out in her book Wisdom Wide and Deep "how far do you want to let go?" This is something you'll have to decide for yourself. Not everyone will be cravingless.

Another thing to point out is that much of what bothers us is how we think about what is good and bad (including our views of meditation) and you need to see deeply enough to know that Descartes maxim "I think therefore I am" has consequences. The subtle thing I'm trying to get at is your thoughts about your practice could be negative and that will affect you negatively. It's important to see that thinking about yourself is just thinking, not a "self". Thinking about the past isn't the past but just being in the present moment and thinking. Treating your thoughts like you treat your senses starts to unravel the thoughts as feeling separate from other phenomenon your consciousness knows. Your consciousness can know thoughts like it knows seeing, hearing, etc.

Phenomenon in your direct experience (including thoughts) can be pleasant neutral or unpleasant. Soon after a feeling tone is registered your perception will decide to like or dislike what's happening and stress hormones are released. This happens over and over again like a broken record. You want to let go of obsessive thoughts related to the likes and dislikes to get relief. When you let go you will be more in your senses instead of lost in thoughts and you can compare the stress of being lost in negative thoughts versus positive ones or being in no mindstate whatsoever.

If the Maltz book doesn't do it for you then I would consider developing a lovingkindness practice and concentration practice to help smooth out the insight practice because the insight practice will create withdrawal symptoms (some of what you are describing already) as you progress. Everytime you feel that you are getting negative mentally I would instruct you to find some positive action you can make that will lead to a positive result. Keep dwelling on positive thoughts and let the negative ones arise and pass away. This should relieve some repression of desire and allow you to develop a habit of thinking positive when something negative happens.

You want to turn on and turn off desire when appropriate. When you become goal oriented towards a worthy goal the motivation comes from dwelling on positive things related to your goal. The longer you dwell on it the more likely the desire will come in and motivation happens on it's own no different than when you dwell on a product you want to buy and need zero willpower to buy it. Think about the positive things about having a good conversation with family and friends. Use anger as energy to deal with obstacles in a positive manner. Eg. If I was an alcoholic and I got angry at myself because of it I can use that energy (including guilt) to stop drinking as opposed to feeling sorry for myself. Anger doesn't have to be self-destructive, sadness etc. These emotions simply have to be understood. All emotions have beliefs behind them and when distorted beliefs are corrected by real experience the emotions right themselves.

Keep this in mind when you do a meditation practice. As another meditator on this forum instructed me: "Engage in life".

Interesting advice. I will look into your first recommendation, but I was wondering if you had personal experience and success with that method. Your second bit of advice is interesting. Lately, I have been accepting these feelings because I know they aren't me, they are simply a stage I am going through. Actually, I am not sure if I am feeling compassion for myself or not. Regardless, can you elaborate on this part? I am intrigued. Also, I will look into the book you mentioned.