C C C:
Sometimes the whole notion of working towards a personal goal can be very counter-productive. The harder you work to achieve something, the more it eludes you. Happiness can work this way, . . .
Today I remembered an old technique.
"I wonder if I might already be happy? Is happiness already there? Possible or not?"
Posed as a question, it has a gentle vibe which won't jar your conscious mind, allowing it access to the subconscious.
Working (and diligent striving in particular) implies lack.
So if I work hard to be happy, my subconscious gets the message that I must not be happy now.
If I gently stop the work, the subconscious gets the message that my mood must not be a problem.
Another way to apply this approach:
1) State the intended or desired outcome, (eg, I want peace), and then...
2) Decide very firmly not to apply any mental work towards its accomplishment.
If my intention is peace, then I might turn the TV down a bit. But I will resolve to not do any mental/internal work towards achieving the peace I desire.
Strong and clear intention matched with a surrendering of personal drive and will.
C C C,
If you have to go through that much machinations in order to feel/be content, then you haven't arrived yet. You're still on the road.
But I commend you that you are endeavoring to (verbally) figure this out. It at least shows that you're paying attention to the movements of the mind. Something not to be undervalued in the process.
Hint: Once you are able to internalize
the realization of anatta, you won't have to do all this work to be content. You will just realize one day, "I
am content." Without any concern (but perhaps a bit of surprise and gratitude) for how it occurred. You will be
there without having to think about it.
Be at peace,
Ian