Oli First:
Hello there,
Over the years, there has been a sense of blockage / tension in the upper back area, and it includes the chest area. It is a blockage that seems to be bound up in some way with the breathing, and it feels like it could be connected with the mind trying to control things. It is almost always there when I sit - the extent to which it disturbs me, however, varies. It has got to the point where this feeling is often with me, to some extent, when I'm not sitting. Off the cushion it is often associated with a 'pressure' feeling - a feeling of somehow that I need to be doing more. It's also associated with anxiety - and this has been a recurring theme - there is often a sense that the breathing does not feel like a 'safe' place to put my attention. If I am sitting on a bus, for example, and I try to be mindful of the breathing, I can often end up feeling a bit more vulnerable and anxious. I am wondering whether my approach to meditation has caused me more problems - whenever I try and be mindful, it is often now bound up with this pressure feeling. (
Oli,
I struggled with what seem to be very similar experiences for some time. I underlined certain phrases you used, which really struck a chord with me. I had all of the experiences which I underlined above, and I also had the thinking that focusing on the breath at my nostrils/lip was more destabilizing for me than focusing on it at the belly, but that was just a thought I used to have.
I had maybe two or so years of struggle about pressure, anxiety, and worry regarding the breath. I didn't really have these issues if I tried other non-breath practices, like metta or kasina, or 32 parts. I eventually overcame my struggle with the breath, though. Or it just went away, not really sure.
Let me make the caveat that it would be hard to tell if we had the same "issue" whatever that is. I don't know what my "issue" was really. But hopefully I can give you some ideas that you hadn't considered:
(1) I found it useful, for a time, to do a regular yoga practice. Like 5 days a week of about an hour. (I did a beginner form of ashtanga, very beginner format). On some level, I felt that this helped relieve some of the tension I felt for a long time around my throat. I had a history of feeling tension in the throat in social situations, or needing to hyperventilate, especially after I had recently been meditating focused on the breath.
(2) After doing yoga for a while, I saw a video on youtube from Shinzen Young. He described teaching meditation to those with "weak egos" in the western, psychotherapy sense. Basically, Shinzen described grounding yourself in the 'see out', 'hear out', 'feel out' noting practice when you need to. I tried what Shinzen described when I started feeling anxiety and
really really helped. I think it is just a different focus, subtly different, then what I was doing before. It was like, "what am I doing right now, and what am I seeing, and what is my posture?" Before, when I'd try to meditate to calm myself, I would do more of a 'focus in' and get more spacey and feel more insubstantial, so Shinzen's suggestions helped, even if I don't fully understand it. I don't understand this point enough to explain it well.
(3) just a thought - for a while, I thought my struggles were a symptom of the 3rd nana, and that they were partly relieved by moving to A&P. Who knows, though? I think I started a thread a while ago, on this board, about my theory on this point.
(4) when I was still having problems with the breath as an object, before this problem went away for me, I
did find relief in trying different meditation practices, like metta, or even a kasina. These seemed more stabilizing. I noticed that during these practices, I breathed more easily, and breathed a lot less, than when I struggled with the breath as an object.
Anyways, you might have very different causes underlying your issues, I don't know. I had to post though, because I had very similar symptoms and similar thoughts like "breath isn't a good object for me" etc. Now, I do a noting practice with the breath at the belly being the primary object, and I don't have any of these symptoms anymore.
Best of luck in addressing your concern and moving past it!!!
Mike