Dear All,
I recently wrote an account of a longer retreat I attended this spring (
link) where I believe I experienced fruition and notable after effects including clear cycling for a number of days, an occasional sense that consciousness was shooting out of my head and automatic rewriting of my own personal history. (This is clearly a brief summary with the link containing much more detail). However, these effects didn’t last too long and in the account I talk about a growing visceral ache in my heart region (about a week after fruition), which descended to my abdomen and has stayed there ever since.
I’ve since been home for over 6 weeks now and unlike some whom report greater ease, peace and well-being after fruition (not to mention stronger jhanic abilities), my experience has largely been the opposite: intense, ragged, raw and unsettling. It’s hard to describe but when asked by dharma buddies I explain it as a deep existential crisis or prolonged intense Dark Night with free floating anxiety. There’s sometimes a feeling of danger, as though there’s a sniper in town trying to hunt me down…
I’ve also noticed that many of the old props I used to distract myself with have now crumbled. For example, when waiting to meet someone in town I used to read the endless glossy magazines in newsagents. The very idea now bores me. As do some of the old thought streams I used to indulge in as well as going on the internet to research a new gadget etc.
However, whilst this may all sound pretty bleak, I must add that I don’t feel depressed. There’s still much that inspires me, not least talking about practice with dharma friends at out local centre, going for long walks in nature and formal sitting as much (if not more) than I used to. In fact, sitting formlessly often helps me to soften and (temporarily) accept this experience more for what it is…
It does feel as though something is now playing out, something that I have no control over. My faith remains firm and I do believe that ‘awareness is as awareness does’, which encourages me to just breathe and to return to the moment. However, what I do find bemusing is that some of this seems so different to other experiences after Path. I know it’s not a good idea to compare oneself with others but I would welcome any advice or any shared experience from those who have had similar experiences. Something has changed but I wasn’t expecting it quite like this!
Thanks very much,
Nick