Corinne Carter:
...but- holy crap!! I'm still having some DN sensations, and hope that's the last Major Realization I have for a while. And I do have a sense of being done in a certain sense, that somehow I've found something I've been looking for all my life but didn't even know I was looking for. I'm posting here because I'm hoping you folks will help reassure me that I'm not completely deluding myself here or going crazy.
Thanks to anyone who made it to the end of this tl;dr post from a newbie.
The process of self-realization can be (is) a slow developing, gradual, grind-it-out process. Don't expect a satori moment, or that you will be able to easily recall it if such an experience does occur. For the vast majority of people, it takes mountains of patience and long endurance before the realizations begin to work their way into the deeper recesses of the mind. Keep studying your experience, keep an open mind, and maintain mindfulness. These three activities will help you on your journey.
The best advice that can be offered is to keep at it and don't give up until you've been able to touch all the bases in a way that you can honestly say that you have done the work necessary for putting an end to
dukkha. This means being totally honest with yourself and not allowing yourself to get away with a mere intellectual grasp of the material which does not, in some profound way, truly affect the way you view life and the world and your place in it, because you are the only one interested in putting an end to suffering in YOUR life.
Rather than following other people's so-called short cuts to
nibbana, best to return to the source of the material and begin to understand the journey from there. That way you cannot go wrong. Don't blindly accept someone else's interpretation until you can validate that through your own first-hand experience. Other people's perceptions can be deceiving to us if we don't know what absent masses they are talking about!
What do I mean by "absent masses"? An absent mass is anything being referenced that you do not understand. Things like understanding the significance of the four noble truths, the noble eightfold path, the five aggregates, the three characteristics of existence and their significance within one's experience, and the pinnacle of the teaching, how dependent co-arising works (having observed its operation through direct observation). When you know these five "things" (teachings) down to the marrow of your bones, then you will have arrived at the origin and apex of your journey.
With regard to absent masses, don't let a word (or term) go by that you do not understand the meaning of. Look up and get clear on the definition of every word or term that you come across so that you can be able to relate to it experientially and therefore understand what the speaker is pointing at. Also, and this is very important, make deadly certain that you understand the
intent behind the word's usage. An example might be the Pali word
kamma (karma, in Sanskrit). Kamma is not some kind of metaphysical payback system of universal retribution (be it good or bad), but rather as the original teacher once stated in a discourse: "It is volition, monks, that I declare to be kamma. Having willed, one performs an action by body, speech, or mind." (AN 6.63) The volition he is speaking about is the mental volition (intention) of the doer. Knowing whether or not one is experiencing a mind full of anger or a mind full of compassion or an equanimous mind toward whatever activity one is observing will assist one in being able to see the origin of that mind state and thus be able to deal with it skilfully with wisdom.
Another word that people can become confused about is the Pali term
nibbana (nirvana, in Sanskrit). In times past, people used to equate it with the Christian understanding of the word "heaven" as a kind of physical or spiritual place. However, it is not that. My first clue about the true significance of this word came when I happened upon reading about it in an Alan Watts book (
The Way of Zen) in which he pointed out (using the Sanskrit word) that " has been variously connected with Sanskrit roots which would make it mean the blowing out of a flame, or simply blowing out (ex- or de-spiration), or with the cessation of waves, turnings, or circlings (
vritti) of the mind. . . . If
nirvana is related to the cessation (
nir-) of turnings (
vritti), the term is synonymous with the aim of yoga, defined in the
Yogasuttra as
citta vritti nirodha — the cessation of turnings of the mind." This would make it synonymous with the Dhamma's understanding of
nibbana as "unconditioned reality, the reality which does not arise and fall away. The destruction of lust, hatred, and delusion. The deathless. The end of suffering." And thus, the extinguishing of mental conditioning while in its place leaving only equanimity toward (mental) formations (ideas, concepts or thought).
You may find some assistance along the way by selectively turning to certain readings that may lend support to a deeper understanding of these teachings. Some that I have found particularly inspiring and clarifying are contained in the thread
Essential Books from Theravadin Resources. Contemplate these works wisely, and you may speed up your journey.
In peace,
Ian