Hi guys,
Thanks for all of your responses, I really appreciate them!
I guess I might not have been 100% clear on what I meant by success: this just means succesfully, and non-stresfully, holding a job and fulfilling other worldly responsibilities, so that I can live comfortably, save some money, that sort of thing.
I identified some problems I'm facing:
addiction,
difficulty working and
anxiety.
Some suggestions I see are: better integration of work & practice, working with intentions / goals / resolutions, changing my relationship to anxiety, avoiding DhO, finding a girlfriend, having more hobbies, not meditating formally, attending to reality, focusing on cause and effect, metta practice, and this Focusing book which I still need to check out.
This point stands out the most to me right now:
Richard Zen:
Just know that addictions are really just a way of escaping what you don't want to face. Most people aren't addicted but trying to avoid unpleasant judgments and situations.
This really uncovered something for me. I seem to have some constant aversion turned on, probably 100% of the time, which manifests as unpleasant sensations in the body, especially in the head and face. Having to work, i.e. perform tasks I'm uninterested in, exacerbates this. So I seek the pleasure of entertainment -- whether it's the DhO or other things -- to avoid the unpleasantness of the present moment. I'm trying to escape from dukkha by indulging in such things. And it just leads to more problems.
So this addiction to the DhO has two sides - the gratifying feelings it induces (the carrot) and the unpleasant feelings it distracts from (the stick). Between these two things, a pretty strong addiction is created.
This constant aversion -- I think it's "bracing against life", a "fight or flight response", or something similar. It's hard to know where it comes from. But I believe it's practically always turned on.
I experimented with Culadasa's basic instructions for walking meditation yesterday. Rather than focusing exclusively on the sensations in the feet or legs, his instructions take the
present moment as the object of meditation, and he encourages you to attend to anything in the present that the mind takes interest in. He emphasizes that it's an easy and enjoyable activity, going so far as to call it the "pleasant moment".
I found this to be really eye-opening, because it gave me a chance to relate to the present in a much different way than I habitually do. Rather than fighting / bracing myself, I open up and explore and enjoy. When I did this, I noticed a few things. First, the aversion was there, and I think it will only dissipate with a lot of practice of this sort -- my mind needs to be exposed to reality in an intimate way, and find that there's nothing to fear there, nothing so terrible, that it's actually ok. Second, in addition to the aversion, there was indeed pleasure. But it's a non-addictive, wholesome pleasure. Third, I noticed that, after a few minutes of this, my mind was much less inclined to seek out my usual addictions (the Internet). I was happier and needed them much less.
Regarding anxiety, I'm pretty sure it's work-related. There's a fair amount of uncertainty regarding my career right now, so there is concern about not having one -- or if I do find a long-term job, it being something I dislike and is unpleasant day-in, day-out. There are some thoughts about ending up homeless, and dealing with all of the unpleasantness that would come up there. So, just more aversion, really (plus some imagination). Dukkha. I'll definitely work toward being more accepting of those senstaions.
Well, this was educational, so thanks again. I think I need to focus more on this attention to the "pleasant moment" and decondition the minds aversion toward (or fear of?) life in general. With this, I think the addictions will dissipate and it will be easier to work & act skillfully.
Something Avi said in his 4th path thread is inspiring:
Avi Craimer:
It feels like I lost the piece of myself responsible for resisting sensations. Everything is in flow all the time. I can't detect any aversion/attraction except for a short while after coming out of Nirodha Samapatti.
Sounds good to me!