| | I will try to make a timeline of my progress as honestly as I can. I was hesitant at first because it's long and I don't want to talk about myself more than I have to, but I'll have a go as it will help you to see where I am if interested.
=-=-=-=-=- SPIRITUAL STUFF TIMELINE (Only read if interested)
Was born and placed as a Jehova's Witness. [Even my earliest memory I had big problems with this]
Unknowing to my parents, my bed-time was too early and I sat awake every night with my thoughts for two hours. (This bed-time and staying with my thoughts for two hours every night lasted until high-school)
~kindergarden period - realized thoughts were thoughts and not god
6th Grade - Did a report on Buddhism and started meditating [This is also a year of two after I "ex-communicated" myself by shouting 'Shut up' to the preacher giving his speech]
Mid-school
Tibetan Book of the Dead read it but didn't practice much. However from then on I really started seeing the impermanence in everything.
High-school
a) Marijuana, new influences, mushrooms, lots and lots of meditation and growin' up. Kundalini flying out of my rear, and lots of OOBES. To this day I have a good skill and can fly out of my body pretty easily.
b) Serious social anxiety problems where I could only cope through meditation (no one really knew how bad it was)
c) A meditation session that I remember clearly when I was maybe 17 [I had smoked a joint, and retreated to meditate. My concentration was really killer at this point. There was a moment when every formation was a sphere floating in nothingness. I was never the same.
d) After a year or so, no more social anxiety problems. To this day I do public speaking and teach and I have better social anxiety control than most people I suspect.
Amazon.
I went and lived with an indigienous group for some months after high-school. I meditated through an Ayahuasca trip which can only be described as some kind of rebirth. OMG haha, realizing this now... hmmm let me think. The trip lines up very well with a full path actually and this is the first time I've realized that.
[Skip this if a bit of unstructured rambling drug experience turns you off]
Well anyway, the first 2 hours was absolutely horrible, and I went through every horrible emotion in stages like the dark night. It began with the beating of the waterfall turning into a drumming techno song. (There were beats throughout the experience) Then horrible things unimaginable. (Well so horrible only possible by imagination, but really I can't understate how intensely horrible this part was) Finally I emerged where everything was amazing. The disgusting black snakes all turned into flowers. I realized no-self completely, my fantasies of my future self stopped spitting at me and instead they also turned into flowers. It was really really intense and I've never been the same. Keep in mind that I was doing pure concentration meditation during the entire thing, and to this day I still believe like I would have died from choking on my own vomit and adam's apple if I did not keep a steady meditation. I was also hypothermic during this ordeal and via meditation managed it into something of pure bliss.
University
Some acid trips that were quite spiritual, no formal practice, was expelled for bogus reasons. Most focused on 'content' at this time.
A rural place
Spent a few months doing nothing but meditating and reading, and small things like collecting bugs. I went through extreme paranoia at one point, and actually wrote a letter to people because I thought I was dieing of of an illness I didn't have. Was crazy, but I actually overcame this after a month or two.
Move to the far East where I currently reside
After the rural stuff I was too absolutist and did not take kindly to the Middle Path. Pure always-on concentration seemed to solve all problems. Stupid stuff like not drinking a cola and creating suffering in my G/f made me re-evaluate and tone everything down. I read a thick 800 page che guevara book in 2 weeks so think: too idealistic.
It was a year or two later I had my first feeling of genuine anger. Frustration. Emotions that really had not touched me in so long came back. Paranoia too, and other ones creeped in. At this point I had not sat on the cushion in a long time. I then escaped on a bike trip and brought myself back to a constant state of equanimity.
I now live next to a holy Buddhist mountain (I am always trying to get closer via some manifestation lol), and have just read (95% now) of Daniel Ingrams book. It is seriously impressive and I feel like he is in my head (in an funny not magical way) and have never read a book that is so seemingly accurate of my personal experience. So my curiousity is genuinly sparked. Daniel - if you are reading this, you've also dispelled some myths about enlightenment that make it tangible. For that, let's note some sensations of gratification.
=-=-=-=-=
Neem,
your request of the description of my maybe or maybe not fruition that happened (2?) days ago:
Began insight meditation while reading Ingram's book. Had to control it to a certain point so I could still read. Eventually hungry put the book down and started walking. I was already flickering and space would stop and go. Like when you are moving forward and doing insight practice, you appear and reappear in places.
I feel like I quickly went through the Dark Knight and settled at equanimaity, where everything was good but I wanted to go further.
I imagined my body taking up all the space of the city, and then the universe.
And then instantly my consciousness expanded into this space. Formations were kind of self-aware. Something indescribable happened (which I'm so worried I'm scripting now but I think it really happened like this) and everything became very... let's say "heavenly."
As far as feelings, it was a very very comforting strong warmth that spread over everything. I felt very centered but still universal. Clarity everywhere and a huge grin that stayed for 30 minutes. I talked to people and ordered my food in this stage and I think everyone really was my best friend at that time.
I have taken your advice to make it a very conscious decision to get better at noting where in the cycle I am at any given time. I am trying better to see clearly between each stage. Ingram's descriptions are beyond my own so this is work to be done.
Thank you for the further comments, I have read, reread, and will reread. I have always been interested in sleep related states so this is a new area of research I will take on.
Dream Walker,
I am sorry for my small reply. I now understand you need phenomonelogical explanations, so that is my motivation for such a lengthy post this time. Much of what I wrote above is directed at you. Feel free to have me expand on anything, and thanks again.
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