Dear All,
In January this year I wrote an account of ‘pulses, shifts and judders’ that I have experienced since completing first path last year [
http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/5147768]. I’ve recently returned from a two week retreat where I was mainly working on shamata and the effects are now more pronounced than before and I would welcome any advice.
By way of background, whilst the fruition I experienced last year had the hallmarks of EQ/blip/bliss wave and notable after effects [
http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4463897] the increased existential angst/anxiety that followed took me by surprise [
http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4608704]. Quite a few on DhO subsequently advised me to concentrate on shamata practice, which felt noticeably harder as though any previous ability had disappeared. With that in mind, on this last retreat, I really took it upon myself to work on following the breath as well as developing metta (in separate sits). After a few days I became more absorbed with first jhana being my usual staging ground (and much ‘harder’ than before). Most interestingly (for me) was the fact that shamata jhana started to present quite differently. What I mean is that when I became absorbed on the breath, it was clearer that in reality there is no breath (other than noticeable bodily movements of breathing). The truth of not-self also became as obvious as it ever did in high-EQ before fruition last year. Overall, it felt like vipassana was informing the shamata experience? Rather like summoning a lift and then stepping out into an empty shaaaaaafffttt!
Similar to my report in January this year, I also started to experience notable pulses/ ‘phases’ during my day-to-day. As before, they were/are hard to describe but one analogy would be standing on a boat navigating a strong swell but believing I was on land. Waiting for the bus the other day and leaning against a post (resting on my sitting bones, standing just off perpendicular) set up a constant sensation of pulses so that they almost merged as one. Even sitting here now and resting my hands between typing shifts me into the same phenomena – like the experiential reality of ‘space’ is no longer a constant plane but one with waves gently rolling along it, coming to meet ‘me’. Possibly unfolding into something new…
I realise that overall, it’s just more phenomena to note and investigate but it sure is odd. Going out on a limb I wonder if I am starting to experience more clear shifts between the vipassana jhanas or even nanas? (Certainly Dream Walker said he noticed similar pulses/shifts during moves between the v. jhanas). I ask this because whilst many report after first path they learn to navigate the nanas during review (and call them up at will), I’ve not been able to. At times, this has led me to question my belief that I experienced fruition last year but things have been markedly different since the event (now over a year since) that I know something has changed irreversibly. Another alternative is the start of second path, certainly my left trapezius muscle has been incredibly tight and painful recently? Of course, I may also just have an inner-ear infection?! Although, joking aside, I doubt that ;)
Once again, any help would be greatly appreciated. Please note, the effects aren’t causing me any suffering but are just a fascinating/weird experience! Overall, the last retreat has helped a lot to boost my confidence and greatly reduce (accept) the painful existential feelings that have come up since last year.
Thanks again,
Nick