| | >> What I'm trying to achieve
I'm never quite sure what I'm trying to achieve, but I'll just throw this out there... I would like to achieve peace on earth, happiness, and harmlessness by means of a fundamental transformation of this individual (me). I would like to achieve the complete extinction of the self, as it has long seemed apparent to me that "I" am redundant given the perfection of the universe as it is. >> What I've done so far...
In the last few weeks since discovering AF, and reading the posts about it and some of the material on the AF website, I've conducted some experiments with the methods suggested in that material. This includes: - Reading posts by Trent and tarin, or reading the AF website (Richard, Peter and Vineeto). - HAIETMOBA. - The "groovin" techniques of being fascinated and enjoying the sensations of this moment. - living from a pure intent to be happy and harmless in every moment.
>> What has worked and what hasn't...
Reading AF material This has worked phenomenally well, as I notice transformation occurring when I read and afterward too as I reflect on what I read.
There is a quote from Vineeto: "This simple stating of the facts switched on my intelligence again... It brought me straight back into the actual situation, and all need for comfort, compromise, manipulating and changing the other simply disappeared into thin air." I think facts themselves have a very transformative effect. Or as some other great sage said: "the truth will set you free." I find the AF material to be (mostly) so simple, sensible, down-to-earth, and grounded in common sense.
There was another quote somewhere about contemplation vs. meditation, and this makes sense to me in the sense of contemplating the AF material as a practice in itself. So much of what I've read about AF so far has become immediately apparent in my everyday experience now that I know what I'm looking at.
I think the main way in which I could say that this practice has worked is that I have recognized and seen through a lot of beliefs and patterns in my mind which were supporting a deluded way of living in the world.
What hasn't worked about the reading/contemplation practice is that: My contemplation at times can become theoretical, future based, or ungrounded. In particular, I find attentiveness and sensuousness harder to practice when I'm staring at a computer screen, reading words and thinking a lot. And, I notice that new beliefs are arising about AF which may be unhelpful in the process of dismantling all beliefs.
HAIETMOBA? I have had only marginal success with this question.
I have much more success when I focus on the "This Moment" part of the question, and the whole thing about this moment being the only moment and how am I spending my only moment of being alive? And why am I wasting it on anything other than just being totally here with what is actually happening right now?
When I focus on the "how" part of the question, I get really hung up. In my mind I start trying to figure out the mechanics of how exactly I am experiencing this moment, or I get confused about what it would even mean to know how I am experiencing this moment. Or, I get confused about what the answer is supposed to be, because I'll be damned if I can't find an answer to the question, and the thought of an answer just seems kinda weird at times. And, then I start thinking: "why would I want to spend my only moment of being alive trying to figure out how I'm experiencing it? Wouldn't I rather actually experience it?"
Also, I like the idea that one could simply repeat this question all day throughout the day, but I haven't found that I'm able to do that. First, the question is so long that many moments pass during the time which it takes to recite the entire question in my head. I know that the goal is to ask it wordlessly eventually, but that doesn't totally make sense to me yet. And, second... sometimes the question just goes on in my head as a bunch of words being verbalized but without any sense of what the question actually means or why I'm asking it or how I would go about answering it. I will try to ask myself, but then I just sit there thinking: "what does that mean? Why am I asking that?"
At it's best, this question has brought me to a very direct experience of this present moment in which many of the AF things arise: fascination, sensuousness, happiness, etc. But, I haven't yet found that it can be a thing I just "ask myself each moment again", as Richard suggests.
"Grooving"
I must say that this seemed like the most natural part of AF practice to me when I first read about it. Naievete, fascination, wonder, appreciation, etc. have often been very natural for me since I was a kid. I was reading one of the pages on the AF website with a pretty photo of a green caterpillar and was instantly just enchanted with it... just pure wonder. Wow! A green caterpillar! Wow! I mean really... wow! How could it be out of all the infinite possible combinations and permutations of existence that a universe would exist in which there was a green caterpillar?! And what a color of green! And, what an expression on it's "face"!
Even as I sit now, typing this I look at my desk and it looks so funny with all these wires going everywhere... this thing is plugged into that thing... and that one is plugged into that one over there. And, they're all like chunky and "computery" looking. And a soft light is coming in through the window, and makes different patterns of light and shadows across the desk.
So, shortly after my caterpillar experience, I realized that this is the thing that has been burning at me for so long... this thing about the god-damned perfection of this universe. Like it hurts how damn perfect it is. I used to go for long walks in the woods and just think about how perfect everything was... except for "me." And, what would happen is I would get all emotional and sorta cling to this experience of perfection. So... this time as I was going into it, I decided not to get emotional about the perfection... not to be all googley in LOVE with the perfection. And, I saw it so clearly how the "love" was totally distorting the perfection. And, as I just settled back into a calm and still happiness and harmlessness, the "love" dropped away and I was much more able to just be with it. In seeing all this, I totally got the "attention wave/stir of passions thing" as it was clear that this "love" was just a stir of passions.
I've been seeing this distortion wave more and more as I continue to practice. It's almost funny how absurd this distortion wave is! Like... egad! This whole time all of us have just been doing a little distortion move on our perception... calling it emotion... and then justifying that it is oh so important and "natural" and on and on. Like... duh! That's pretty silly! Wouldn't it make more sense to actually be here, since this universe is so damn cool just the way it is already?
The only time that the "grooving" technique hasn't worked is when I'm sorta trying to force it or fabricate it, or I'm reaching for it. Plus, it seems there are a lot of beliefs that are in opposition to it which will have to be investigated more. Basically, I haven't been able to maintain it for very long stretches of time either.
Intent to be happy and harmless
Perhaps this is my favorite thing I've tried so far, although it hasn't necessarily brought me the most spectacular results.
One thing that has worked is when I'm really in an emotion, I ask myself: "feeling this emotion, am I being harmless right now?" And, the answer becomes apparent that the actual emotion itself is a sort of harmful behavior. It doesn't really matter what the emotion is, but just the distorting quality of it, and the self-ness of it make it inherently harmful for me and for others, and upon seeing this, I've been able to just drop it immediately as it's not inline with my intent to be harmless. Like, the emotion is rooted in what Richard is calling the "instinctual passions" or what I might call self-based desires and it's very movement is an attempt to propagate the self through fear, aggresion, nurture, or desire (or the various emotional permutations).
Combining the intent to be happy and harmless with the repeated reminder that this - now - is my only moment magnifies the intent. It's like there's really no way that I can make myself feel happy or get myself to feel happy... all I can do is just have a really strong intent that this is how I want to experience this moment of being alive. And, mostly because it's just the most sensible way to experience it.
I really find that it's a wonderful way to go about the day.
The times when this hasn't worked are when I'm trying to force it (like i mentioned above). Or, sometimes I get into a funny little quagmire of inauthentic happiness - so, sometimes I have to stop and say: "wait, a minute... right now, I'm just not happy. And, that's just the way it is." And, I have to start with being honest that I'm not happy instead of trying to jump the gun on my experience. And, it take some work to navigate it back to happiness, and sometimes I get lost on my way back.
>> how I'm modifying my practice accordingly
I've found the modifications have been very gradual for me. I still haven't spent a lot of time really dedicated to working on this practice, as my time has also been split with my insight meditation practice, and my usual patterns of distraction. But, the time in which I was really dedicated to giving the techniques a fair trial have been the times when I've seen the most results. So, since I'm still such a newbie with it, I can't say I have much to report on modifications yet. Somehow it feels like a rather organic unfolding process that doesn't need a whole lot of modification on my part yet. Like they say: The pure intent is born from the PCE's and EE's... and the practice is born from the pure intent... and the PCE's and EE's are born from the practice... so it's sorta a loop which feeds itself. (or at least this is how it seems so far for me)
>> what results I'm getting
Well, I don't want to claim that I've entered a "PCE" or an "EE" or anything like that, as I just don't really know if I have or not. It doesn't seem to bother me too much, however, except perhaps to consider that the states of perfection, and sensuousness and attentiveness can probably be deepened much farther than to what I've so far attained.
I'm noticing myself much more harmless in my relationships. I notice a lot of the mysterious questions I had about "spirituality" are being answered. I'm noticing more time is being spent actually appreciating the actual experience of being alive right now in this actual universe.... and I'm remembering how wonderful that is. I'm noticing that from the perspective of my insight meditation practice, AF has been somewhat disruptive. While it has also been somewhat more grounding in the sense that it's helped burst some of my "enlightenment ideals" that I was still holding onto.
As a side note, it seems funny that the whole thing is called a practice. Like, to some extent there is a practice of dropping the attention wave, and of coming back to be happy and harmless. But, to some extent it just seems like common sense more than anything. Just looking at the facts and doing what's sensible, and it's funny to me that people would get all flustered about that.
One more side note: I haven't experienced any "existential meaninglessness" thankfully. I find that placing my attention on what is actually happening right now in this moment brings more meaning into my life rather than less. The meaning is the sparkle of sunshine, the meaning is the smell wafting through the air. That's the meaning and there is no need for anything more than that.
One question regarding "love"... I'm still unsure what is love. I can see on one side the emotions of the nurture instinct as a distortion from purity and perfection. On the other side I see harmlessness and altruism. I think both get the name "love." Could harmlessness and altruism be called love?
Well, that's my AF report for now.
- Daniel
Additional notes: I typed this up last night and then afterward had a very trippy bout of intense fear of no-self. It started when I walked past my bathroom mirror. Upon catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I suddenly thought: "wait... who's THAT?" So, I went back to the mirror and just started looking... and there was a human being there! It was really trippy. And, then I started questioning: "Have I really just been a parasite living in this human beings body this whole time?" Like, there was an actual human being there that I was looking at in the mirror, and it wasn't "me." Then all sorts of fear came up, and as I laid down to go to sleep, with lights out, I got a distinct feeling that I was dying. So, enjoying the thrill of it, I just decided to die into the blackness, and I relaxed and let go. The fear disappeared and I was just lying in bed noticing my breath, and I fell asleep just noticing my breath. I think it was somewhat triggered by the thought of actually sharing these notes with others (and the "vulnerability" of that). It was also kind of a thrilling adventure. |