I thought it'd be fun to put this in the claims to attainment. I'm claiming Knowledge of Suffering... yeah! say what?!

I'm not sure if there's much to report, though. I decided to put together a meditation schedule for my self-retreat this week in hopes that it would help with my continuity of practice, and I'd say it was very helpful. Sticking to the schedule allowed my mind to relax and just be in the moment. I also tried to focus on the fundamentals - seven factors of enlightenment, and just being mindful from moment to moment.
I spent a lot of time noting pain and suffering. I like the phrase "knowledge of suffering", because I think I gained a lot of experiential knowledge of suffering (for better or worse). Using Goenka-terminology, I think a "very deeeep rooted sankhara had risen to the surface to pass away."
On the afternoon of Day 2, similar to last weeks retreat, I hit the same wall of "psychosis". This time, however, I was much more calm, resisting less, and more deeply resolved to stay with the experience to the end. (I think the schedule and the focus on fundamentals helped here.) I explored it a bit more. It was like I was barely able to walk from one room to the other without holding on to the wall, muscles weak, and I was staring at everything with a sorta serial-killer stare. Not much more was functioning in my mind-body than feeble walking, staring, and this time a hint of mindfulness. Anyway, it lasted about an hour and then broke into what seemed like some low-level equanimity last night.
Anyway, that marks 4 weeks of 2 day self retreats each week. I may switch things up a bit now for the coming weeks. Also, this marks about one year since I finished my first reading of MCTB, sat a 10-day Goenka and got my (probably) first glimpse of equanimity nyana. I'd say the last year has been full of profound insights and growth. It took me about three months before I knew that I'd reached equanimity. Then, I think I spent another 6 months really exploring, enjoying and discovering what equanimity was all about, and then the last three months, I've started growing tired of equanimity and wanting the next step.
I'm not sure what it'll take to get to the next step (stream entry) right now. If these two-day self retreats don't do the trick, I think I'll probably quit my job again next January and move back to a retreat center somewhere.
I don't have many more notes on my retreat, as I was actually spending more time just being mindful and less time reflecting on my experience, so I don't remember as much of it.
Oh, that suffering's a doosey!

- Daniel









