TJ Broccoli:
what does the fearful me fight to preserve?
Jill - truly appreicate the comments. The short answer is "I want to live". But I've added context to that statement below as I'm suddently unclear what happens to "me" with AF.
The comments on death are interesting as I did confront that once, I think on day 3 or 4 which were the most intense days. I’ll explain in a second. To a degree I’m starting to process this by writing so it might wander a bit. It’s important to note that while the tough times were the most memorable and stronger, there were some high moments, where I felt like I was accomplishing things. Here are two.
On day 2 I noticed that if I focused all my attention on the breath, I could literally not feel the fear. I couldn’t be aware of two things at once. This was my weapon to combat it (try and ignore it by focusing on the breath) at the time this felt like a monumental breakthrough but it turned out to be just a nice small break because this method didn’t work after a couple more sits. This actually led me to contemplate that “my feelings are me”, where I thought “If I’m my feelings, how come it appears when “I” bring my attention to the breath “I” can’t feel the fear (me) anymore? How can I stop feeling myself? It appears feelings are happening to me, not that they are me and that by turning attention away, the feeling goes away.” I’m not sure what the answer is, but where I left it later that day was that by shifting attention to the breath, I was not able to process the “sensations I call fear” and those are not “the feeling of fear”, which is me. This is another work in progress issue. The other way in which I thought about this was how I can’t truly be aware of two or more senses at the exact same time. On night two of the Goenka video I tested this and sure enough I could notice attention moving very quickly between hearing, seeing, hearing, seeing so fast it normally seems like I am doing them both at the same time but now I was noticing the incredibly fast shift back and forth. It bothered me that night and I wasn’t able to process what he was saying well as I was focused on the shift between senses, so I decided to close my eyes and just listen. Oddly, come to think of it, I never noticed the back and forth again on any other night. But at many points in the trip I was in survival mode and going back to my “one day at a time” routine where I was just trying to get through that day and I didn’t always have the energy to investigate things.
Somewhere on a sit in day 4 it dawned on me that since I had smashed the illusion that the sensations of fear/panic were something the mind needed to react to, I started thinking that this would lead to releasing one of my identified core beliefs of wanting people to accept/like/value me. I reasoned that if they could NOT cause me the physical pain anymore, I wouldn’t need their approval as they could not hurt me and hence I was free of the belief! There was rapture for a while and the concept of breaking this core belief led me to see “me” and “my beliefs” unraveling quickly and a multitude of sub beliefs tied to it that I had previously identified but couldn’t break as long as the core belief stood. I started relishing in the thought of being “the annoying guy” who people were mad at. Suddenly I could be not liked or even hated and it was OK! I was riding high for a few sits as a fantasized about situations at work and other areas where I cave to people/situations. But it became very clear (I think later that day) that I was trading one identity (scared Ed) with a new identity (tough Ed) and while this felt good, it wasn’t going to help me get to AF. I need to see both as ridiculous and a part of identity. So I stopped the act, and tried to remain equanimous to the thoughts of being “the annoying guy” and I couldn’t. I still mentally wanted acceptance and was fearful. But things were better, more stable and simply facing the fear over and over it became routine, easier. During the height of my mania on the thought of smashing the core belief “I need to be liked/valued by people to be OK”, I mistakenly thought I was on the fast track to AF, perhaps even on this sit. In hindsight that’s funny/embarrassing.
Ok, so death. Because of those high moments, for pockets of time I thought I had reached true equanimity and as I said for a brief moment I foolishly thought maybe I might even reach an actual freedom on this event as the experience was so powerful and the tug and pull, up and down, of “me” felt like maybe “I” would just snap and release and the illusion would be seen. I think I was really looking for a way out of the pain. So at some point on day 3 or 4, I visualized fading to black and dying. I got really, really scared. My resolve for AF is very strong but I suddenly was confused on what would happen? Then I remembered Richard saying something to the effect of “I’ve ever grateful to the “me” that stepped out of the way and allowed this body to become free”. I took this to mean, I (the person I feel myself to be right now) would literally fade to black and die (gone, dead) but the body would continue with this new personality (so to speak) and no one still living would really notice the difference but I would be dead, gone. Suddenly I thought “Holy Shit, what was I thinking, I don’t want to do that!!! Am I insane? I want to live!” My mind was racing and I remembered very clearly the warnings about turning back and I thought “don’t be a chicken”. Then I remembered that I had always said I was also doing this for my wife and kids, especially my daughter who is very much like me and this will show her a way of out the suffering. So I decided I would allow myself to die, but nothing happened. I think at some point I kind of knew nothing was going to happen, so it may seem like I really made peace with dying, but I really did not fully and still have not. I made a note that I would ask the AF folks when I got back if “I” truly fade to black and die and don’t get to experience in any way life after “me”. This concept still scares the shit out of me. I want to be better, free, and peaceful, I don’t want to die.
I really do want to get to the heart of the illusion of self and end it (but note above the concept I’m still trying to understand about what it means to self-immolate). I had a 10 hour Altered State/PCE on July 3rd I wrote about in another post so I was VERY motivated going into the Goenka retreat and am still motivated to finish what was started. I’ve experienced that self is not needed and it was awesome. Also of note was that while July 3rd was a fantastic and peaceful day for “me”, my wife wrote me a note on my laptop saying she thought I was distant and pulling away and she was confused. We talked at length that night and all was well after that. But it stuck with me that my shift in normal behavior (a bit hyper and animated) to calm, thoughtful and peaceful AS/PCE was interpreted as “depressed or distant” by my wife and it scared her. It never occurred to me how I was being perceived as I was just in the moment. Anyway, how changes by “me” will affect the wife and kids was the first or second concern I had so I’m still processing this a bit too. I’m actually trying to use the RT method of illusion of self, traditional AF methods, and Goenka Vipasssana and this whole experience into something that is focused and synergistic not fragmented and counterproductive on the path to AF. I haven’t pieced it together yet, still trying to figure it out.
I traced back why I think I am the way I am now. Being ADD/OCD, I could not deal with the volume of thoughts and mental pain stayed with me longer than I think was normal. I was very sensitive. So I learned quickly, people can hurt you, they can make you suffer. Create a safe world where everything is harmonious and everyone likes you. Develop the ability to read people so you can protect against danger and always be scanning your environment. Collect information for review and signs of trouble. This is essentially what I do, out of habit and it’s served me well in many ways but it’s just covered the issues. On a certain level being a people pleaser sucks, and you develop a low sense of self-worth because you let others run your life. So it hasn’t eliminated anything. It took me 35 years to realize that (I’m 40 now). I’m still working to unwind this and quitting drinking at 35 was the MAJOR first step (best thing I have ever done) as most (probably all) alcoholics loath what they are doing and develop hate for themselves for doing it. At least I did and it’s impossible to move forward with real change when you feel this way. Everyone has stuff so I’m not suggesting I’m the only, that mine is worse or that I was trapped and couldn’t make choices because of my DNA. There were always choices then and there are ones here now too.
It does seem to eliminate me (the illusion of my story, which on some level is already understood to be a fantasy and not based in actuality), it might be necessary to fix me a bit, keep understand the why and how of where things are now. Sort of like trying to get back to “normal” first on your way to happy and harmless after finding yourself in a bad emotional place. Or maybe more like finally paying attention to the game to expose that there isn’t really anything there but that vortex Richard talks about that goes nowhere. That lessoning the power of the clung to beliefs/habits that make up the “me vortex” that I release some knots and can then truly penetrate the illusion. However, I’m trying to be conscious of not getting caught in “the story” which would lead me in an endless cycle of trying to “fix” the illusion which doesn’t work and only keeps “me” alive. There seems to be a balance there and I’m trying to figure that out. Or maybe I’m just talking crap at this point? Ok, I’m done.
Take care - Ed