Daniel Johnson:
So, I've been meditating much of the morning, getting ready for my retreat. I am way deep in the Dark Night, right now. Lots of Misery. I've been crying most of the morning.
Right now, I'm feeling depressed about how debilitating the Dark Night has been in my life over the last 13+ years. Especially, given that my life has basically been dedicated to this path, with still so much suffering.
I'd especially appreciate any thoughts from any of the people who have given me help here on this board before (Daniel, Nik, Trent, Bruno, Stephanie, etc.)
I found the only thing that worked for me when dragging my ego through the dark night (unknowingly creating it for my self) was to note all the symptoms non-stop for an hour sit at a time. I never did any concentration activities during those periods due to not having enough pliancy of mind due to the shitty sensations that were plaguing 'me'. Choiceless noting was the only approach that stopped the mind lunging again and again onto the sensations to trigger all sorts of screwed up woe is me mind states. I would note quite quickly using only a small number of labels:
* 'Vibrations' or 'sensations' for any sensation along with the tone, i.e. pleasant, unpleasant, neutral
* 'Image' for any images whatsoever in the mind's eye
* 'Seeing' when the eye sight took centre stage.
* 'Hearing' when a sound took centre stage.
* 'Thought' or 'thinking' for any thought regardless of content if it took centre stage
* 'Desire' or 'wanting or 'aversion' for any strong moments of push and pull.
* AND any sense of 'self' or 'me-ness' was NOT noted as 'self' but simply broken down into exactly what was compounding to give off that impression i.e. image, vibrations/sensations, thought
And that is about it. That is how simple it got during periods of shittyness. About 3 notes per second non-stop.
E.g.
Vibrations, vibrations, unpleasant, unpleasant, vibrations (suddenly a sound would take centre stage), hearing, hearing, (then vibrations) vibrations, sensations, unpleasant, unpleasant, neutral, unpleasant, vibrations (then sight would take centre stage regardless of the seen object), seeing, seeing, seeing, wanting, aversion, unpleasant, unpleasant, vibrations, vibrations, seeing, hearing, hearing, vibrations, wanting, wanting, aversion, aversion, unpleasant, wanting, hearing, vibrations, hearing, hearing, image, image, image, vibrations, neutral, neutral, vibrations......(and if suddenly the mind spaced out and the lack of an ability to remember noting labels occured)....spacing out, spacing out, confusion, confusion, vibrations, pleasant, pleasant, vibrations, hearing, hearing, seeing, image, image etc. etc. And so on and on. These terms would sum up the whole dark night shifting and changing and led to a malleable and pliant mind being cultivated regardless of how unpleasant or pleasant it became.
Break up the compounding of 'depression' and the concept of 'dark night' into smaller more manageable 'pieces' (the labels mentioned). Break it down continuously into the factors of mind and body that make up such compositions/fabrications of mind (depression and any other 'mind state' with a name). This will give the mind back more control over how much it gets sucked up in the fabricating tendencies. Break up those fabrications non-stop for an hour at a time. Make a resolution beforehand to just go at it and note it all non-stop.
I would do this knowing I would hit a wall occasionally with a major desire to get up and not practice this way, go play video games instead, something, anything to distract from the depressive feelings. But when i resolved to stick it out for an hour at a time, I hit those walls differently. And on the other side I would often more than not be noting the break up of unpleasantness and the arising of pleasantness and neutral and 11th nana spacing out.
Break down the compounding madness into manageable 'parts'.
Nick