Hi SN,
It seems like the fabrics of my personality have fallen apart and what's left is a dry disconnected mass of base emotions nurtured from birth. Sometimes I feel like it's all over and this is as good as being dead already, and nothing I do or dont do will change the fact.
(...)
It doesn't feel the same anymore and I like to think I have no interest in orgasms anymore, because they are hardly comparable to before. I can go without jerking off for a few days before the desire fills me even though I know the actual joy from the act is fairly negligible. I guess It's because I'm young and my hormones are messing with me. If I dont do it, I keep getting distracted in the mind and eventually give in just to get rid of the desire. I know this is not the right way to overcome and it only comes back stronger than before, but the more days/weeks I spend without an orgasm the more tempting it gets.
(...)
Lastly, I have stopped meditating in the last week and I'm pretty much tired of it all. I do maybe 20-30 mins of anapana and vipassana combined after I wake up and before I sleep and metta whenever I feel like it. I find meditation boring and stressful and sometimes it gives me awful dreams. My concentration is also the worst it has ever been and I find it intimidating to solve any more than basic math problems.
I also dont feel like taking another retreat for a while as the last one was excruciating mentally.
What are my options?
It seems like you are studying yourself very well, including studying your rejection of self-study and stress arising from self-study/systems/methods. There is nothing satisfactory in following any system and there is often revulsion of anything we feel we cannot escape, but self-study like yours reported here is, to me, very spot-on. So I think your option is to continue with your study. If you can continue to sit meditation with no intention, and just sit now --- spend time relaxing the body and mind first such as with stretching and some exercise --- this is a period of self-study that is valuable, but may at first seem repulsive/dry/stressful.
If you have sweet, simple friendships, a quiet meal, a nice walk try to enjoy those very simply. Simplicity, not-adding-to/simple enjoyments can be a huge vacation/satisfying conduct.
About orgasms, nothing you have written indicates to me misconduct nor addiction, so you seem to have a harmless, useful lab in which to study yourself here, as well. It's only been a year since how you once related to porn. Personally, I think your option here is to keep studying what you are in this safe, unaddicted personal lab. At some point, you are likely to experiment with strict celibacy and strict restraint --- it is like a food fast --- because you'll probably want the knowledge that you are not ruled by "an act is fairly negligible" and then you may have a gentler regard for sexual fulfillment which is not misconduct nor addiction. And at some point you are likely to start considering what characteristics/actions make for satisfactory relationships with self/other (sex and non-sexual action). And that is a simple, subtle, often sweet creativity coming out of the lab of self-study.
There's a reactive period of meditation in which one studies sort of reactively/in hindsight what one is doing/feeling, a period of awareness of gross patterns, a deflation of gross patterns (releasing), an empty "what next/then what am I?", then creative potential with simpler thinking/feeling/acting/interacting, a sense of fresh/simplicity...and you are in such a process with yourself. It's a funny, open thing. Good luck.
_________
Edit: including more of your op, some clarification
Edit: and something from my own lab, SN --- if I am causing stress from my own perception/buy-in to stressful
perceptions, then I would be much more likely to pleasure-seek (which can become a perpetually dissatisfied state in which even former pleasures cannot please); food and sex are very pleasurable to the human animal; so if lots of people were dealing with stressing narratives/behaviours/perceived contexts then we could have society-wide obesity and a massive porn industry, and then some commercial sectors which benefit from encouraging stress. Oddly, terrible external stress has the opposite effect: I find that I have pacified and enjoyed simple things in the presence of/after terrible external events, and have no desire to encourage those events in order to have simple satisfaction; that simple great satisfaction can stay depending on my re-creation of perceived internal "little" stresses. So strangely, so-called minor stresses like dissatisfaction, boredom, creating adverse or inflated perceptions--- these "little" stresses can stir havoc. And so that's part of my lab, self-study, what do I create/cause? What are my options to create/cause?