Hello Vi Va,
I'm sorry to hear about your condition. I can relate because I have been where you are now.
The bright side of this is: You should know that this is a temporary condition, that it
can be handled. It's just a matter of turning your thought processes around and getting you right side up again! Right now, everything you are doing feels like it is taking you in one directions: in a downward spiral into a pit of self-loathing and despair. Feeling good about yourself rather than allowing your mind and thoughts to drag you ever deeper into a seemingly endless pit of despair is the change that needs to occur before you can begin to lift yourself out of this pit of negativity.
You need to find things that you feel good at doing, have confidence in performing and which provide you with a general feeling of confidence in yourself overall, in order to begin seeing that you CAN accomplish anything that you set your mind on. It's just a matter of turning your mind and thinking patterns around to the positive, and finding positive accomplishment in even the small things that you are able to accomplish while enduring this maelstrom of mental negativity.
Even while in deep depression, the mind does not totally abandon us. It KNOWS what is true and what can be of help and assistance. What you have outlined below is EXACTLY what needs to occur before you can begin to use meditation and its technology to help you get back on track.
Vi Va -:
Should I put less focus on the meditation for the time being... and instead trying to find a job, practicing the life of a normal human being who goes to work, talks to people, discusses things, goes home. Is it perhaps necessary to in a way "strengthen" ones ego before starting this journey, to have a healthy sense of self before letting it dissolve?
As you can see I'm utterly confused and really don't know how to solve this situation myself, so some thoughts from people who have been in similar states of being are really appreciated.
Meditation can be of help, but only once you have gotten to the point of beginning to put the shattered pieces of your mind, ego, and thinking back together. This may not be an easy job, but it is a job that needs to happen first before you will be able to begin benefiting from a practice in meditation. You can be working on both these activities at the same time, but generally speaking, the meditation practice won't begin to yield fruit until
after you have been able to restore a more positive sense of ego and self-worth.
On that note, one of the things the man who helped me so many years ago said to me about meditation was: "It will help to burn the bad karma you have built up, and help you to begin replacing that with good (or positive) karma." The triggering point for me was his saying, "The more you meditate, the more karma you burn up." That helped encourage my beginning a practice in meditation and sticking with it. I threw myself into it, meditating sometimes for three times the amount of time he recommended in the beginning (which was a half hour per session). The way I viewed it at the time was, the more I'm able to meditate, the more negative karma I'm able to burn up. It was a naive view at the time, but it had a positive effect on my attitude. Having this thought expectation can be a helpful triggering mechanism, but only if you are also working on rebuilding your sense of identity and self-worth.
Jake has provided you with an excellent analysis of the circumstance that is facing you. Yet, while being able to recognize and confirm this from your own perspective can be a helpful first step toward beginning to eliminate the negative spiral, such recognition
by itself will not change the situation. For that, you need to consult with someone you trust to help you through this mess.
. Jake .:
And I think it is really worth making the following clarification: things like anxiety, lethargy, and depression, and desperation, and sinking away from the world/experience are not what constitute the Dark Night. The Dark Night points to a phase of practice wherein we get experiential insights into suffering, and learn to be with and see the mechanism of suffering without adding to it / compounding it. Things like depression anxiety etc. *can be* reactions to those insights, but the two shouldn't be conflated. Also, one can't exactly 'push through' the DN, as it's lesson is about stopping and letting go the push/pull and just being with what is coming up and seeing clearly the way body-mind functions to create dukkha. This naturally segues into EQ when the time is ripe.
Depression anxiety etc whether DN related or not should be dealt with on their own terms. Depending on the severity, that might mean structuring one's life intelligently with a balance of exercise, diet, and cultivating good relationships, or it might involve that plus some form of clinical help, and you need to be the judge of that.
How does meditation practice fit into depression anxiety etc? Well, I think meditation practice fits into life as one piece of a whole life, even when we are practicing for liberation and awakening. So this too must be balanced and try to avoid setting up a dichotomy of worldly vs. spiritual as if you have to choose between them (not saying you are, just saying, it's a common trap and can constitute spiritual bypassing, a way of avoiding problems in other areas of your life, like mood, health, relationships).
Once you have found someone who will work with you, then and only then will things like the institution of meditation into your activities begin to yield some needed relief from the pressures your mind is currently putting itself through.
Take your time and be careful in finding someone to help you. Make sure it is someone who you have confidence in and who has dealt with situations like yours successfully before. I cannot tell you who to see: it may be a psychotherapist or some other professional, or it may be some sort of spiritual adviser. Use your intuition when seeking someone to help you. But, by all means, begin the process of seeking help with this, because it is not going to go away without some guided thought and attention paid to it.
Always remember: this condition
can be overcome, and you can be led to a better perspective on life. Just take it one step at a time, and build on small successes until you are able to rebuild the ego and thought processes on more positive ground.
All the best,
Ian