| | Hello to anyone reading this. I finally decided to start a practice log as it seems as if that's the best shot I have at doing things the right way. A little background.
Have had several years now in what I now know as the Dark Night. First passed the A&P (that I can remember) one day when I smoked a lot of weed and decided to meditate (I was about 16). I closed my eyes, and did as I usually did, followed the breath in and out. Kept at it, next thing I know, I see a light in my mind, and feel myself being pulled up from the head, best feeling I'd ever had during meditation, never again to be replicated at the intensity and pleasure of that day. I'm sure I've hit the A&P other times, weed always brought out a certain introspective and concentrated side to me that led to lots of "inner" exploration and strange energetic things. I have had much trouble with Dark Night symptoms for awhile, but I'm finally at a point where I see light at the end of the tunnel if I continue practice.
Now to the present. I started Noting seriously about a month ago. I was always aversive to Noting just because I had had good experiences with just following the breath, and I didn't want to change techniques now, but I'm glad to have started. I can safely say that, in my experience, the best way for me to get to Equanimity is by noting. It takes me about 20 or 30 minutes (altough I seem to be improving on how quick I can get there) of noting for me to pass through the shitty feelings, then my mind feels more expansive and although the feeligns are still there, they are no longer a "problem", they're sort of just there. If I continue noting, the shitty feelings subside even more and my body feels relaxed and awareness is more panoramic. I'm pretty sure I've hit something close to High Equanimity a few times before. I got to a point about a week ago where senses were sort've morphed into each other, with no real distinguishable sense, if that makes sense, like if someone threw a bucket of different colors on a wall and the colors are sort've meshed together. Also at that point, I could actually see thoughts before they turned into thoughts, I sort've visualized them as wisps of clouds that when I noticed vanished before they turned into anything. I've had some adrenaline-y feeling come up at points at just how quiet and open things get, I guess I'm just so used to harsh sensations that when I get to that point in my meditation, I get scared, like I have nothing to hold onto. I note the fear and feelings and they subside, but it seems as if it sort've knocks me down the Equanimity ladder when I hit it. I don't know if it's just me wanting Stream Entry, and anticipating, or what, but I do my best to let go of those desires and note them when I can.
So do I continue what I'm doing any stay noting away, or am I going to have to let go of noting when I get to High Equanimity? I've tried doing the one syllable "that" note, and it seems to work well as long as my concentration is pretty decent, if it's not decent, then I just note with more specific words to avoid falling into thought stories.
Also, I've read that seeing the 3 characteristics is a very reliable way to get Stream Entry, but how do I "see" them? I've tried saying "not me" as a note (because if "I" note "it", "it" isn't "me"), but I'm not sure if I'm deluding myself or not, so I haven't tried that as of late. The impermanence I understand intellectually, but I don't know if I'm seeing things disappear. I just note new sensations or sensations that seem to be constant. The suffering seems the one I seem to know the best, although I don't know if I need to see it in a specific way. I don't know, I'm just throwing things out there that I've sort've been wondering about.
Practice time has been sort've been dropping off as of late. I started almost 3 weeks ago with a very sincere plan to hit Stream Entry and I started out for about 7 or 8 days meditating 1 hour on, 1 hour off, so more than 6 hours at least a day. But now as days have gone by, my practice time has gone down to 5 hours, then 4, then 3, now I'm doing about 2 hours at least, every day.
Today I've done a total of an hour, with another hour that I'll do before bed tonight. Started off with shitty feelings, general tension in the body, noted all sensations that I could, until I hit Equanimity, kept noting and felt like a feeling of relaxed well being surrounded my head. Also during this, and several other meditation sessions, I've felt what feels like a pressure, sort've feels good type of feeling in my forehead, not sure what it is, but feels kinda good, and I note it as well. Seems to go away most of the time if I note it. I forgot a lot of little details, but I'll update as soon as I finish my sessions so they can be fresh in my mind when I right it down.
So this concludes my first post, if you'd like to leave any advice, or comments, or answer any questions you are very welcome to do so. I'm a sponge, so I'm just looking to absorb all the information I can. Thank you for reading. |