Hello all,
I think I have gotten stream-entry. Just made the resolution, with modification "to full enlightenment, be it Arahat, AF, or something else." Maybe I should define full enlightenment then eh? Making resolutions does seem to have a visceral effect...
I'd like to thank Daniel Ingram for MCTB and the DhO, the DhO, and... The last two days I think a combination of tarin's advice to me and Howard Clegg (thanks Howard!) seemed to have gotten me there. My biggest think right now is for what I am mostly sure are the fruitions, I am not sure if I exactly perceive everything disappearing. There are flashes, vibrations, big strobing of everything.. but I don't know if it all blinks out. I think it might. I guess I'm not supposed to perceive it right?
Anyway here is another gigantic post. My questions are:
1) Was it stream entry? If not ignore the rest, tell me where I went wrong. But I see all the signs. Except that I'm still feeling anxiety and suffering now. But maybe it's cycling. Or I have to work on perceiving it as no-self? Or I just need to go sleep. Also no vibrations of suchness yet... and my fruitions aren't 3 distinct blips so far as I can tell.
2) Some of you seem to have gotten 2nd path about a month after stream entry. Do you recommend that, and how do you go about it?
My goals are... full enlightenment, except I don't want a Dark Night right now. The problem is I can still clearly feel that I have a sense of "I"... and the suffering is here.
As a result of this I expect to... feel like the spiritual path is lonely after having you guys tell me there is a lot more to go =P.
Here it is.
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DISCLAIMER that might make you doubt me: I did this after having gotten high. BUT I don’t think the stream entry happened at all during that time. The stream entry was before, either earlier today or yesterday. I just only now realized it. If getting high did get me there... I am disappointed. I wasn't expecting it. I hope it won't hinder my getting next path. But I'm pretty sure it was before, and this was an exploration.
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Yesterday in Equanimity I was noticing/noting awareness and such better. Then today when I meditated sober:
I thought I had a stream entry moment, but was probably just dozing off. I was seeing suffering [in Equanimity]… then I imagined this large demon worm-like thing looking at me, or maybe that was me? I couldn’t see it visually, was more of an imagination type image, and even then pretty dim. Then my head snapped up and down like a “ca-lunk”. I was wondering “what was that about?” Then a few seconds later I felt what I suppOOOSe could be called a bliss wave, but it was more like a ‘wave’ as it wasn’t very blissful. And afterwards I noted the large amounts of suffering involved with me wondering whether it was SE. [I shouldn’t feel that if didn’t hit SE right?]
I think not cause not much is different, not even my relationship to things or whatnot.
I had decided with my friend to smoke this night. I had decided not to since I didn’t want to mess up Equanimity, but I figured it would be interesting to see what it’s like. Still no thought I had SE by this point.
Anyway we hang out, then he goes to bed. I just lie down on the carpet and start meditating. I really wanted to.
I was noting lots of suffering/annoying in my stomach (Fear I think). I meditated and… thought I had what must be a clear fruition, almost. I kind of got lost, as others say, then I found myself at a series of REALLY blinking lights. Like white to blackest I’ve seen in a while. There weren’t three of them, just a whole bunch… and then again a kind of meh bliss wave, unsure.
But then I decided to try going through the whole thing again. And I found that I could get through the stages just by naming them. I thought A&P, and I was at A&P. I saw blinking lights, I was excited. I thought Dissolution, and it all calmed down, center more blind, stuff on periphery. Then I thought Fear, and I felt anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Then I thought Misery and the anxiety feeling kind of spilled all over my body but in a less intense way. Then, Disgust, and it kind of just grew on top of Misery, extending it a little, making it more... disgusting. Next, desire for deliverance, and now I had a feeling of intense urgency climb into my throat. (Hey these names are pretty damn accurate). Next, Re-Observation and a feeling of all the earlier dark night feelings coming back together. Next, Low Equanimity, and everything spread out and calmed down a bit. Then, High Equanimity, and everything started speeding up again , very rapidly, like a roller-coaster. Then, gulpingly, tentatively, I thought Fruition and… I kind of felt a release of holding myself back. I just am not sure what I did, but then I thought I had a Fruition, and then… a bliss wave, more certain this time.
Well I was somewhat excited. I tried again… this time before resolving for the Fruition I thought impermanence, no-self, suffering… and when I thought each of them I was having what seemed like a closer time to coming to Fruition... but then I think I “missed” and got stuck going between them. It was rather high-paced and intense so I stopped.
Then I tried again... I might have missed again. But I could go so obviously and clearly through the nyanas (narrated by my voice going through and naming them) that I knew something must have happened. I tried again… this time I just thought of suffering. I think I got the toroidal fruition this time, but afterwards I felt the most intense bliss wave yet. By now I was pretty sure. I also realized the tentative ‘ca-lunk’ was the same thing.
Then even more things… I can go directly to any stage I want by asking for it (e.g. saying “A&P”). I tried going directly between A&P and Low Equanimity to see the differences and I could see them clearly. Can go from A&P to Fear to Disgust… I even found I could go to Mind&Body, Cause&Effect, and 3 chars. I can see them much more clearly now. It’s like all my confused notions and questions were actually pretty accurate looking back, just didn’t know it at the time. ADDED: About going to any one, I believe my mind just quickly slides in between the intervening ones quickly; it doesn't actually "jump" so much.
Next I tried Fruition directly. That seemed to work. I tried them through all three doors. I forgot which description was which but I got a few different ones – mostly really blinky light (no-self). Some are still hard for me, like suffering. I can do no-self ones pretty well… at least what I think are fruitions. This could all be made up. But the last no-self one I felt was like… I counted a sequence of 1-2-3 (pause) 4-5-6 (pause) 7-8-9 (pause) dot-dot-dot (pause) bup bup bup BLANK(?). The clearest one I saw anyway. And on the 1-2-3 light all the way on outside of pereception flickered, 4-5-6 a little in, 7-8-9 a little in… the next two get fuzzy. In order to trigger it I just think of the no-self of everything. Then the no-self of awareness. And finally the last thought I think is “Even this thought is no-self,” then the sequence happens. Then a bliss wave after a bit.
I just tried the samatha jhanas… seems like I can go to some softish (but still pretty hard) version of all of them. Not sure if I got 8th as I still felt my body a little. I can’t seem to get rid of the perception. I definitely had never been in 5, 6, or 7, though, which makes me wonder why I can… again if it’s a matter of scripting, best weed ever… I guess it is true, the mind knows where to go, you must just let it, and it certainly helps to know the triggers to incline it, and then to recognize the stuff. Then I went back down the jhanas.
As for general mood… I’m happy right now doing all this Review and writing this review. But when I first realized it I was unhappy because I didn’t feel that different. I still don’t if I don’t think about it (except for crazy meditation), but all I’ve seen so far is my room. But time will tell. (It should help that I can think of the unhappiness as no-self.)
Anyway I’m quite buoyant right now but also sleepy. The last thing I could do is… at each nyana, precisely observe each one of the three characteristics. The most interesting thing about the Review is that I remember distinctly feeling each of the 3 chars at each stage (I guess I must have to have passed it), but in a much more muddled way. I remember how many months ago I was clearly at Cause and Effect, as at that point I was being annoyed about not being able to control my breath, hadn’t heard about DhO or MCTB, etc. But now I can Review the stage and I can notice that I always seem to be controlling my breath. I can write them all out if anyone wants.