Nikolai .:
Thank you thank you.
I have been reading about the progress of insight and although I have never been a vipassana practitioner, preferring self-inquiry and deep questioning, I am impressed that there is such a system! Also I am going on my first 6 week vipassana retreat in a few weeks, so I'm excited about that. But Yes, it seems a lot like this may be where I'm at. Could you explain more to me about cycles, as I feel this is not the first time 'round this particular state.
Here is some background about my journey:
I feel that I have spent the past 10 months or so in a Dark Night. Absolute misery of the worst kind possible. I couldn't stand to be inside my own skin. Major major identity crisis that no one I met could relate to in the least. I couldn't even relate to it, but I just felt incredibly confused about who I was. I had seen massive glimpses of the basic unreality of the world as I knew it, my sense of identity had repeatedly been blasted to shit, I saw through death, I felt eternal, time stopped, clocks were funny, and I'd go to bed and wake up feeling as if nothing was ever changing. Then I started eating a lot and just watching X-Files and getting drunk. I thought life was too funny and ridiculous to be meditating or giving a shit. I soon saw that this was some sort of ridiculous conditioning that was coming up and also my tendency toward laziness and indulgence.
Some time later:
Feelings of fear, separation, angst, anxiety, insecurity, hopelessness everywhere I went. Simultaneously I felt I understood something no one else really understood, and this added to the despair. I tried to appear normal but I was so fucked up it was unbelievable. I destroyed all my relationships, couldn't stand to be around anyone or to do anything other than vegetate on my couch. My misery made relating impossible, work was hell, everything I experienced, every person I encountered just supported and enhanced my angst. I projected a lot of my suffering onto other people, not understanding that this was not related to circumstances, but a deep sort of conditioned wounding around being a separate being. I couldn't help but hate people and feel hurt by them even looking at me. I wish I had known about this, but I guess I just slowly worked through it. Went on some prescription meds for a while, da da da, etc. Don't know what happened or why. I saw various therapists and sort of fell in love with a very pretty one and went to see her once or twice a week. That pleasant feeling of being able to be whatever I wanted in her presence while simultaneously being in love with her and getting to talk about my problems and insights was the one source of happiness I had at the time. Otherwise, I could barely do anything.
Before this I spent about six months living in a monastery and then at this point I was living in a retreat center. I wasn't a very "good" meditator. I didn't follow instructions, didn't meditate often, but the insights came fast and furious anyway and the people I spoke to who were in the practice longer than I was and people who clearly further along than I was were able to validate the experiences I was having. I can only attribute this to a burning desire to inquire constantly. I don't have a practice on the cushion and a life separate from it. Constant spirituality, punctuated by entertainment and focused work.
The resolution of the Dark Night for me began with getting my head knocked off by the RT people. I came in quite arrogant and full of myself. I knew I was insightful, but they're mean and fucked me up. So I gave in and tried their method and then the observer was gone for about 3 days. No observer whatsoever. Hardly even the thought of there not being an observer. Then it came back and I felt as miserable as before and felt confused. I finally decided to make some radical changes to my external world. Changed jobs, changed cities, got away from my family, took some mushrooms, and sort of compromised my external image to fit in. I managed to feel quite normal and integrated for a while. I felt like I could talk to people, get involved in their jokes and their games. Music and movies and life became rich again, but I was still constantly bothered by this identity crisis.
Next shift was a very very secure sense of being Space. When I referred to myself I knew I was referring to the space and I could hold conversations with my friends and family from this place. I did a bit of teaching to my closer friends who are vaguely on a spiritual path at this time. I felt unshakeable, very clear. And that would cycle in and out, and then eventually, next insight:
This space was with me all the time. It wasn't "me," but it was there. I called it Peace. It was this bubble, and it felt like a friend, who was always around. And I felt that I was neither the Peace, nor the chaos that unfolds within the peace, but I could see that they were both unfolding at the same time and this brought me great comfort.
Finally, the current insight, is very Taoist in nature. Opposites have lost meaning. There is a massive sense of humility. This is not in any way the same as prior to the Dark Night where I felt REALLY ENLIGHTENED. Something happened. It was like the entire imaginary world that was being projected over reality was slurped back up into its source. I started to fall in love in a way I had never fallen in love before. This was a genuine love for consciousness. I saw that whatever opposites or distinctions it manifests are completely the play of its capacity to imagine and delude itself. The difference between then and now, is that now, I feel quite joyfully ignorant. Then, I was profoundly awake. Now, not so much. Nothing profound, although thoughts sometimes lead me to that conclusion, but experience itself is this sense of cluelessness. I love how creative and stupid consciousness is. I see it in everyone. All ideas seem to arise in conjunction with their opposite, and both get slurped back up into consciousness. I no longer see consciousness as "space" or even as "awareness." It is before anything.
The general affect of this state is just calmness and wellness and heart melting compassion and love for beings. I don't care if I'm enlightened or not from this place. This has all happened with very very very little meditation practice. Just a sincere and burning to desire to get the fuck out of the darkness that had destroyed everything in my life. The result of having passed through this in terms of my perception of the world - basically, I don't hold it to a standard any longer. It isn't meant to satisfy me. I just watch and see how things go. There's a sort of bounce to it all. Like I can just flow with it without being too involved in a personal drama. I get delight out of little things like Halloween socks or the details on my skin. I don't like to impress people anymore. Sometimes sense of a Knower is located inside the body, other times, entirely non-local. I feel as close to the coffee cup as I do to the trees wiggling in the distance.
I also feel that sometimes, quite accidentally I disappear completely from the world. It's just like BAM! gone. Everything. And then it all just pours back out. I don't really have anywhere to go so that may just happen in cycles as I feel too embedded. Life is deliciously simple, with many moments of anxiety and fear about survival and whatnot, but the more I surrender, the more things just sort of take care of themselves.
Now, I just read this:
" However, this stage can be such a relief after Re-observation that it is very tempting to solidify it into the fourth samatha jhana either because doing so is so nice or because of fear of falling back to Re-observation, which can easily occur. However, as I continue to mention, not investigating the qualities of this stage, such as peace, ease, and a panoramic perspective, causes failure to progress and makes falling back to Re-observation more likely."
And I am going to heed the warning. Luckily I'm going on this badass retreat in a few weeks and am going to get a significant amount of formal practice in and can observe this new coolness.
"Confidence returns, but whereas there may have been a Rambo-like quality to it during stage 4. The Arising and Passing Away, now there is more of the cool, charming confidence of James Bond (sorry about the purely masculine images here)."
Again, seems right.
"It may be hard to read and pay attention, hard to listen to people and hear, hard to notice where one is and what one is doing. The arising of some sort of fear of madness and death is not uncommon at this stage, but usually does not cause too much trouble and may even seem comical or welcome."
Spot on again.
* * * * *
Anyway. The question now is - let's say I'm either in equanimity. What is this business about cycles? I do the whole thing over? How does that make sense? Is the cycle just a deeper penetration of each of the nanas? I read that after fruition, one can navigate the other nanas quite easily and spontaneously. And then attain "fruition" over and over. What does this mean?