Jared w:
I'm currently in the dark knight and am having a few problems. First, meditation is much harder than it was before. I actually find myself getting bored or unfocused constantly. .
Hi Jared and welcome to DhO! It's hard for an observer to know where you're at without a lot of context as to what came before, what sorts of practices you've been doing, how your path has been unfolding so far, but taking this at face value...
Jared w:
Secondly. I was meditating today and at one point was focusing on my feet. There started to be a small vibration and then all of a sudden I had this queasy feeling. I was about to vomit but snapped out of my meditation to stop it. Is that normal?
The range of experiences that can happen in various stages are pretty broad and different from one person to the next. That could be "disgust" nyana or a bad cheeseburger, but either way: is it permanent? Solid? Is it really "you" or "yours"? How does
the way your mind relates to it-- with resistance and dualistic tension or openness and relaxation-- condition the arising and cessation of suffering?
Jared w:
I want to move on from dark knight, but don't really know where to go next. I feel pretty much lost at the moment.
What is "I want to move on..." made of? Is it solid, permanent? Is it impermanent sensations? Is it all that's true of your experience? Or is it just one part of your experience? Is it a primary experience or is it a reaction to other experiences (those that you are labeling dark night)? What is "being lost"? How lost are you, if you're in touch with the feelings and thoughts of lostness? Maybe that's just part of this phase. Maybe by really getting in touch with those feelings and investigating that experience of "being lost"-- seeing what its made of, how it functions-- things will unfold spontaneously.
I find that dark night is a time to let go of assumptions about who I am, what experience is, to learn about the dynamics of resistance and release. If you come into this territory (dissolution) with a strong commitment to the existential presupposition that "I am" a solid, separate, continuous self, the experiencer of experiences, the doer of deeds, than this can be extremely disorienting and painful. However, if you hold this existential presupposition more lightly, if you can get a feel for what it would mean for identity to be unfixed, fluid, discontinuous, part of the field of experience rather than the experiencer of experience, than it can be a very interesting (if still dark nighty) phase of practice.
-Jake