| | Hi, This is my first post although I've been lurking around for sometime. Want to thank everyone who has shared their investigations and experiences, I have gained a lot (like many others) from all these information. In particular, thanks to Mr. Daniel Ingram for this site and MCTB and to Tarin Greco.
I have had a few experineces that I couldn't account for/explain so far. Then I came across the dharma material and the map and it seems to make sense. I shall briefly explain them, please let me know if it makes sense to you. (warning: long post)
I haven't done any formal meditation practice or been to retreats or any of that stuff. I think I just started looking inside while doing my post grad, ten years back. I remember entering into a pleasant and stable state. First time it happened under influence but it happened other times as well. After that I can recall some states resembling cause and effect. not certain, but the next one was clear. I sunk into a low for next few months. I would spend hours watching falling rain drops or looking at trees, doing nothing. Didn't do any work for my dissertation. I lost all interest in completing my degree as I wondered about pointlessness of everything.
After that, I remember my concentration suddenly shooting up. I could play videogames for hours without making a single mistake (only played games, no study because of the previous stage) - way beyond my concentration levels till then. I didn't have to sleep much either. At that time, I had to complete my second phase of dissertation and I had done nothing. I had so much energy and concentration that I finished it in 3 continuous days, without sleep. I didn't feel the need to sleep next day either, even after the presentation was over. I got some sleep finally on the 5th day.
Then something was happening in my visual field.. it was like every object would get analyzed, very fast like sampling or scanning. I could notice each grain of rice in a plate, one by one, very fast. I felt like I could notice every characteristic in a tree and it was out of the world. This happened a few times. I also remember one night when I closed my eyes to sleep visuals started appearing, very fast and very clear, one after another without any intent from my side. Some picture would come to my mind and my mind would focus on one part of the picture, then a new picture would emerge from that part or containing that part. This went on for a few minutes. I don't remember seeing any white lights though..
Nothing much happened after that. I finished my degree, came back to my home, didn't try to get any job. It was very all very tranquil and relaxing. I was just spending time watching nature, watching trains etc, not doing any serious work. This state carried on for almost a year. There was only one event of note in this period.
I was in a big bookstore with not much people. I was there for few hours. As I came out, I think I was surprised to see it had become night. But then everything was appearing magical.. the bus on the road became big as it approached me and became small as it receded.. happens everyday but that day it was different.. everything had a gloss over it.. It was like a fairy tale. It was like I am seeing the world for the first time, in its full glory.. I could see not only these new sights like fore shortening etc, but also the process of apprehension happening within.. I was filled with wonder. This experience, which I came to know later as pce, lasted for about 40 mins. At that time I knew I witnessed something truly remarkable and it had no resemblence to the spiritual experiences I had before (my terminology then for the events in A & P). I didn't have any pce after this, but I would have moments of apperceptional awareness, as well as walk with a panaromic view while observing the entire visual field (elements of arupa jhana (5th) perhaps?)
Then I moved to a different place, got a new job. It was tranquil and also blissful at times. Then I don't know what triggered it, but fear took over. I couldn't find any reason for it, and it was only increasing. I was afraid of going to work, meeting people, answering phone everything. That I couldn't explain it made it much harder. I fought it, reasoned it to be guilt because of unfinished work, superiority complex etc.. no use.. it had become full blooded paranoia soon.. I took psychiatric help.. no use.. quit job, back to home, no use.. took another job.. I was in a complete mess.
I remember states of misery and disgust but I don't know how many times I cycled in these states. It was many years before I found out anything. Started reading DhO because I was looking into actualism because of the pce and tarin was writing here, some day I found the connection. I was trying attentiveness but I was getting nowhere. Then I saw some advice (forgot the thread) that its better to get out of DN first before trying actualism, so I resolved to get to equinamity although I had no idea how. I went for some treks by chance and I think they helped me get into surrender mode because the treks were very tough and way beyond my fitness. Couple of months back, last November to be exact I saw some shifts in my state.
The experience was same, yet different in the sense that I wasn't getting pulled into things. It was like me observing, but without a stake and the bad stuff started to disappear leaving a well balanced state. I was getting into panoramic mode more often and without effort. I also started noting ringing kind of experience, but not sure because I have read about it. Anyways, the most important thing is that the negative stuff has almost disappeared, and even when it arises it is not affecting me.
Today I was trying to see impermanence in the sensations of chest area as per some thread I read.. first came a sensation/tension which felt like craving to belong.. I looked closer and it looked like its made up of more sensations.. seen to be impermanent, then came anxiety, then another feeling that felt like anguish.. which I couldn't see why its impermanent.. will try to do that tomorrow. Inbetween I had subtle sensations in the crown area..
Thanks for reading so far. This is my current state. I still have no meditation technique. I haven't decided clearly to go for stream entry or to try attentiveness and go for af or just concentrate on doing my work (my work is a independent research project now and no amount of time is enough for that). Any practical advice you can give me, please shoot away. If you think I am in equanimity or I am not, please let me know about that too.
Thanks again, Sriram.
Edit: spelling |