Hey JB, I had meant to reply to your thread earlier but forgot all about it!
So, for the last month I've been working my way through several stages characterized by a sense of chaos, confusion, and crowdedness. I didn't note much unpleasantness per se in response to it, until the very end of the sequence which was more of the same but more so. I took these all to be the dark night, and it came with a dramatically decreased interest in meditation. I mustered about 30 minutes per day.
Aye, that sounds like late-Dark Night territory; Re-Observation to be specific, particular the sense of crowdedness and confusion. What you've said about how "until the very end of the sequence which was more of the same but more so" is a nice insight which can help as you cycle through this stuff, Re-Observation can be like a high-speed, high-intensity re-run of the previous ñanas but recognizing this makes it easier to just let it happen. Acceptance and equanimity, what's happening is what's happening.
Then, a few days ago, all that chaos just stopped. It's funny, I really didn't understand what people were talking about when describing the difference between A+P and EQ. I didn't notice a wow factor. My A+P was pretty mellow. I guess that's why it took so long! The main distinction I notice is the absence of "pleasantness." Also, I am noticing that the thing to watch is the sense of becoming as it relates to the arisal of thoughts and other sensations. But mostly thoughts. It seems as if the purpose of all those involuntary thoughts is to create the sense of self. And the thoughts are very persistent. So, I've been slipping a lot, becoming embedded and distracted.
Nice. The process of becoming is easier to observe while in Equanimity because it's so refined, the spacious, open quality of attention means you don't even need to
try because it's all just happening right there 'in front' of you.
This line in particular brings a big grin to my face..."It seems as if the purpose of all those involuntary thoughts is to create the sense of self." Now, look at who or what it is that seems to be the "thinker" of those thoughts as they appear; try to follow a thought from it's inception to it's cessation, see where it comes from and where it goes; if a sense of self is being created by a stream of "involuntary thoughts", which are also seen to be subject to the Three Characteristics, as you mention in the following post, then how can "I" possibly have any objective existence?; what is this sense of an observer?
Also, when you mentioned "I've been slipping a lot...", don't worry about it. Every time you notice you've become distracted or caught up in some thought-loop or another, you're immediately back to being mindful. You don't need to look at these slip ups as some negative, use them to investigate why you got distracted in the first place so that you're not likely to do so again!
I've noticed that the 3C's are pretty self-evident in general, except for no-self. I've been very carefully looking at the closest, most personal sensations. Rather than tacitly noting not-self - I'm inclined to ask, is it self? Really pondering this question in respect to the sensations of my face and head, as well as random thoughts and memories. It seems that working through the insight stages, my mind has been producing older and older memories. Now I'm seeing how they really appear as essentially me, as they progress - or regress - into childhood. I find myself wondering/half-realizing: even that isn't really me??
Good work, particularly further investigating what is, or what leads to, this sense of self. A few pointers:
- Anything that can be observed cannot be that which is observing. If this is the case, and I suggest you investigate this thoroughly, then see if you can find the sensations which imply an observer in the first place.
- If the sense of self comes about as the result of a transient stream of ownerless thoughts, what does that say about the sense of self as a whole?
- While in Equanimity, turn the lens of attention back on the observer and watch it; slowly, carefully, but with precision and care.
The recall of previously forgotten memories seems to be typical to most people, it's interesting to look at the ways these mental images present themselves and examine the cause and effect involved. Don't get caught up in the emotional content, just investigate them in the same way you would with
any other sensations, mental or otherwise, 'cause it all jam-packed with insights.
Everything sounds pretty good so far, going by your notes here at least, so stick with it and maybe try a longer sit, even alternating days until you're in the groove with it. One way or another, you can get this done if you practice well.