I said Id give it a week before posting, and this experience hasnt budged a bit, in fact it was the most intense so far today.
First , if anyone wants to know my history/practice heres a link...http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2823336 , the short version is this:
Had a very intense "awakening" this time last year, it became quite turbulent at times, although it was mostly great, and completely life changing, but around November I started to stabilize and improve my practice after arriving here. As for the diagnosis of up to now? Still unsure tbh.
So after some intense concentration practice the past few weeks, and moreso some very very focused direct looking at visual experience and looking to see there is no "experiencer" or "doer" I really hit something significant last Thursday.
Ill just lay out the experiences, admittedly the descriptions will have been influenced by what I read and learn with all this..
- Absolutely no do-er whatsoever, no-one in control
- No Experiencer, this has been the most intense, Ive touched on this before, but only rarely and often after strange times like the day after a nights drinking, or after a very excercise session. Whereas now , its been nearly non stop for the week. Especially during the day.
- This one has been the most noticeable feature for the past week: Feeling that whatever I look at is "connected" or close to me, I know that sounds silly, its not meant to be mystical, its logical imo, if the experience has shed the sensation of "experiencer"/self then there is little left, ONLY the experience. So there is a very strong feeling of being consumed entirely by the experience or completely empty apart from that experience. Basically, even there is obviously a clear visual difference between where Im sitting and what Im looking at, it feels like a conceptual seperation has been broken down.
- No self/stable presence. This is most noticeable when something happens like someone is walking right past me, or a car and its wind/sound etc is right beside me. It doesnt feel like its beside me. Its just the experience of it , with no ownership of the experience.
- Bodily sensations feeling very seperate from the brain/head. This is difficult to describe, but for example my fingers rubbing dont feel like mine even though I can feel them obviously. Its like there is VERY little communication in terms of translation as to what a feeling is.
- Helplessness in terms of suffering/reactions/etc , I mean that as a good thing, within seconds of suffering I instantly cant help but think there was absolutely no one in control of that. Admittedly once or twice I may have felt that I brought that up intentionally. Hard to tell.
- Mixed feelings regarding suffering, its been an extremely intense week so its only natural that the novelty and joy of it would be destroying suffering right now, I need to wait for the noveltly to wear off first before I make more of a call on that one.
- Just feeling of being really really awake, in the brain, like new chunks of blockage have just been smashed out. Almost a new warmth in certain areas on either side.
-Strong "unity" feelings. Im presuming as a result of a lack of centreness/self, or maybe just the initial blast of hitting something new. I cant imagine they'll hang around for long.
- Yesterday I tried to "ignore" it and keep my focus on conventional issues, just on purpose, just to see was it my practice that was "holding" it. And even though I was actually getting quite focused on what I was doing, and forgetting about it, all it took was one break, and a stroll to the shop and the "openness" came flooding back again.
- A wanting of this to be "it", whatever that is, be it SE, or a new path, or whatever, just something abiding really, dont care what it is. But that helpless feeling arises quite quickly if I start thinking too much in that direction, so I'd think to myself "holy crap , I hope this is going to be an abiding state", and then "ha, there is absolutely nothing an "I" or anything else can do about".
- Very deep intense meditative style breathing when focused on something else, not all the time, just sometimes.
- In the past, even during very good periods I used to suffer early in the morning, it was very clear suffering though,and it didnt really bother me at all, what I mean by that now is something like one thought would arise, and I would nearly experience in slow motion how it sending pain right to my stomach. That would fade away and Id get up. Whereas now, whether its the middle of the night, or early in the morning, no matter how tired/weak I feel, there is none of those kind of thoughts arising.
-from time to time hitting on very very very quiet new levels of peace, and once or twice I even got old feelings of years ago when I took mdma recreationally.
- some confusion at times, Id look around and see my shadow and it wouldnt even feel like mine. That point might be a bit silly and insignificant. Just trying to lay out all the details of what crossed my mind.
- A certain feeling of freedom to do or say things that I would have considered sort of wrong, or at least not making progress if I reacted to them in the past few months, i.e. a freedom to do something egotistical, or even a freedom to be slightly self consious over something, or a freedom to react to something in a bad way, but it just doesnt feel personal at all.
- Last , but certainly not least, a huge desire to eat a massive humble pie over all the arguments with people further down the line than me that I may have had over the past year about all this.

It happened over the space of about 3 days Id say, but by day 3 it was much more stable, and has been similar and mostly consistent since. I probably should have given it a few weeks, but Im really impatient!!