Maybe I messed up on your timeline, but when you say this, do you mean that you wnet on a retreat and the immediately discernible effects faded? Did you do a weekend retreat or something? When you say that you ahve "drop lots of mental and physical struggle on retreat so my body also can physically respond with hesitation or stiffening" do you say this because you are still grasping for the retreat experience? Apologies for not understanding this part. Thank you for your encouraging words, however.
Ah, thanks for the chance to let me try to explain more clearly.
So, yes, I went on a mini retreat this past weekend. Three days. Yes, I felt a little body-stiffening (mild apprehension) before going into it - my body knows now that the first full day of meditation is likely to have body aches.
However, this has changed a lot over practice and the insight that comes from practice. So, body aches and thoughts do occur, but they don't usually eat up a lot of time. They're a bit like junk mail - they arrive. They go. There's no reason to
hold on to them.embellish on them, make them worse or inflame them with too much attention (though I do take care not to abuse the body with any harsh effort).In the beginning though, it's totally normal (or at least commonly reported) to witness all those thoughts and spend time on them, believe them, fear them, love them, analyze them, scoff them, etc. Sitting with breath and watching let's one start to discern which thoughts are skillful, which aren't. How much attention does "derealization" need? Is a panic attack deflated when looking at it directly like it is a leaf with form and color, shiny and smoothe?
Yes, I do still grasp some experiences.
Probably a lot. Gratification is a huge influence. Single-point concentration is such a comfortable condition for mind-body that it is normal, to me, to want it later and always. What I've learned though is that the only way that concentration arises is to just continue to place attention on the object (such as the breath). This is the only way the tremendous comfort of utmost concentration arises.
And I am aware that the concentration is not the end (so this lessens any huge wanting for it, while I still know its development is key). Concentration is developed so that insight can arise and insight inspires release from various wants, then targets all "wanting". To be clear, I am not finished and this is equivalent to saying "I am beginning now", too.
For example, if I am driving on a highway and just thinking and feeling in great abundance, I'll miss all sorts of signs for exits and historical markers and topography. Now, as I develop concentration, I begin to notice exits, historical markers, signs and topography. When I have utmost concentration (which is rare, but enough to whet my whistle thoroughly), some understandings arise. These are often "ineffable" because self-study needs no worded language: one is experiencing one's reality and actuality through oneself. Worded language is not needed inside one's own mind, so we say "insight" or "wisdom" arises, just because maybe an actual word, sentence, or equation did not arise, yet something clear and understandable did arise.
Yes, some understandings wear off, for me. Then others hit home with a tremendous potency. This summer the impact of certain 'insights' is starting to hit hard. This, I think, is a product of improved concentration and escalating habit/comfort of sati. My parents just visited, so I know I am still a big bozo though ;) (Meaning: the practice bears actual fruit in behaviour and I can see that this practice of "mine" has plenty of room to grow)
[edits: grammar, some clarifications (?)]