| | Hello all.
To give some background, I think I've been doing insight practice for around a year, probably a little less. In any case, I crossed the A&P early in my practice, and have since experienced the full list of nanas, I think. The dukkha nanas have certainly come up time and time again, probably even before I started a formal practice.
I'm in college, studying as a sophomore. I've never been a particularly motivated student, but I definitely do well on tests and have the aptitude to succeed. As of a few months ago, I've been quite intent on getting stream entry. I'd estimate that I probably put in at least 15 hours a week into seated vipassana practice. I also note throughout the day whenever it occurs to me, which is quite often. In seated meditation, I believe I've reached equanimity, and in daily life, there have been two times, quite recently, where I truly felt equanimious for a few days. However, it is nowhere near my perceptual baseline, and I'm not even sure where that is.
In reading Ingram's work, as well as others, there was so much emphasis on the dark night, how to deal with it, and whether or not one should even attempt insight practice, considering various factors in life. I was thinking something like, "How bad could it really be? These are theoretical stages and knowing that they're just a result of practice will keep it all into perspective". I decided to plow into it with a moderately consistent and, at times, intense amount of effort. I do not regret the decision to begin practicing. However, in hindsight, I really ought to have considered these warnings, and how the dukkha nanas could disrupt my life.
I'll just start complaining now. I go to school and I think I like it. I'm studying music, which I've had a fairly consistent passion for, for as long as I can remember. I like to discuss and I like to play music. I understand that college is a confusing time in a person's life, and that confusion, stress, and a mix of powerful emotions can show up without any spiritual practice. However, as of today, I have to concede that my experience with school has severely changed for the worse since I've began practicing. Please hear me out.
During A&P experiences, I'm neurotic, edgy, and probably much more outspoken, scattered, and bold than is optimal. During the dukkha nanas, I sometimes find myself unable to even muster enough energy to get out of bed, let alone commute an hour to school, let alone pay attention in class. How can I focus on the professor's words when all of my mental effort leads to pain? It is simply difficult to effectively participate when I find myself holding back tears. It is almost impossible at times to muster the motivation to do homework, and sometimes, simple tasks and assignments just don't click and I'm left hung up, feeling like I "just can't do it", like I'm missing some mental software that enables me to proceed with the task. I don't have any friends to express this pain to, since it just isn't easy to explain and most people don't really understand dharma stuff, let alone a theory of oscillating mind states with different emotional implications. It all just seems pointless and meaningless, more of the same, more missing the point, and most importantly, more building upon concepts that seem to divide people, inspire greed, and deny myself the communication of something so basic and immediate about humanity. Of course, we need doctors and engineers and people to keep the world running, but is that really me?
I'm faced with declining grades. I really am trying to get through, but there are basically two problems. I can't seem to get my mind to do school, and I can't seem to explain to myself why I should be participating in this system when the possibility exists to live on simple means, using my free time to develop jhana, pursue arhatship, and participate/share dharma. I've told myself that I should just finish school to free myself up for dharma practice, but the problem is that the dukkha nanas seem to destroy my academic rigor and ability to succeed. At that realization, the thought is that I should get path to eliminate the fetters/fabrications that give rise to the suffering that so deeply inhibits my ability to succeed. But alas, I seem to have reached a point at which more consistency is required to reach stream entry, but that consistency cannot be achieved due to all the work that constantly consumes my time and effort in college. Noting is just simply too tough to do when I'm engaged in class discussions, or practicing music. Investigating the three characteristics is impossible when I'm pressed for time, pressed for sleep, absorbed in lecture, and trying to hold myself together through all I have to do. I'm too busy in school to practice consistently enough for enlightenment, and I'm suffering enough to make functioning in school a serious challenge.
Call it depression, anxiety, or just dukkha nanas, but in any case, I'm seriously considering whether or not I can handle continuing college education right now. I've considered deferring before, but I'm scared about the wrath this will bring about with my parents. My parents are Mormon, which isn't inherently bad. But they're extremely dogmatic about their religion, and many years ago, when I quit, our relationship was seriously dented, and I don't talk to them much, let alone express my feelings or talk about religion. I've tried to talk depression with them before but they view my depression as a result of not being Mormon, and even seem to deny any depression. So that would suck to do, but if I have to, they can't force me to keep going. They are paying for my education though, which makes me feel further guilt about this whole situation.
Possible options:
1. Discontinue college, deferring for long enough to attain to stream entry or beyond I gather that stream entry is a solid attainment to rebuilt daily life upon, so I could go to school and not be so hindered by constant dark night stuff. My parents would be extremely upset and I probably couldn't explain why I did it.
2. Continue college, trying to ignore dharma stuff (or just vipassana stuff) This would seem to be basically impossible, as I'm definitely cycling through dukkha nanas, and my mental baseline seems to be investigation, which automatically happens when I'm left without a task to occupy my mind
3. Continue college, try to get stream entry This is where I'm at now, and my post refers to this situation. Practice is inconsistent this way, and there are some days where I can hardly fit in a meal, let alone dedicate any amount of brainpower to making progress in the path of insight. After trying to adopt consistent practice and finding myself derailed many times, I have concern that I won't make stream entry this way
Daniel Ingram seems to have made a general recommendation to slay the vipassana beast, putting aside conventional life in order to establish a steady base from which one can develop a more conventional and stable life. I can't help but feel so desperately that I need that stable base in order to live life without being inhibited by this horrible suffering that keeps arising. I can't seem to keep my career as a meditator and my career as a full-time student separate, and I'm beginning to pay for it academically and emotionally. I'm in this terrible darkness, alone and without much of an idea to do. Please, help me think this through. I really need some support in this endeavor and I know that many of you have been in similar positions. |