| | Thanks for the response Richard.
That retreat was my 5th. Reading MCTB and listening to Cheetah House talks, I feel like I understand stages 1-3, and stages 5-6 at least. First retreat was all about dealing and sitting with the painful sensations. Second retreat feeling like I was settling in and really starting to observe sensation without constantly reacting to it (especially pain). I remember some beautiful moments of opening up a bit. Retreats 3 and 4 were ok but were starting to get uncomfortable and then the 5th retreat the doors blew off the hinges. I could see that the fear was coming out off, what seemed like nowhere, but I could not help but spin out over and over again. In real terrifying detail.
I wanted to post to this forum to get a sense of where I am so as to see where the work needs to be done. For instance, was I freaking out in 3Cs and maybe should be focusing on samadhi practices to help calm my mind before continuing with insight? or had I unknowingly crossed the A&P and moved along the path into this new territory and therefore should just continue with the practice?
I will add that the only other time I had experienced fear to this degree was a bad LSD trip as a teenager. Felt very similar. Out of control feelings and lots of terrifying fear.
Over the past 6 years, I keep getting drawn back to practice but the fear, and fear of falling out control arise and then I end up stopping. Thanks again for the response. |