Hi all, first off, thanks to those who replied to my
first post. I am still in the process of considering the many suggestions - some may take time to implement.
I just came back from a retreat down in Western Australia with Ajahn Brahm. Here are some stuffs that I have observed:
1. I managed to get over the pulsating feeling in the head. Not that it's gone, just that it is milder, plus I am getting used to it, and I just try to ignore it and concentrate on the breath. I have noticed though that the pulsating is probably due to my breathing too fast and hard - a result of my inability to breath naturally, so I just breathed forcefully to make the sensation of the breath obvious and forcing a rhythm so that I can ignore the mechanism of breathing (so as to concentrate on the sensation of breathe). Another thing I noticed was there were notions of "directions" in my breathing. Very difficult to explain. It's like other than "in" and "out", I can feel the breath going left and right, and up on "one side" and down on the other - i keep feeling like there are 2 paths of breathing down my throat rather than just one. Sometimes, I could feel the sensation of my nose to the sides - not in the middle! As if my nose is travelling! I also began to notice chunks of places on my face that feel strange - I used to have this feeling only around the point in between my eyebrows, but now I can feel it on many places on my face - strangest of all, on my left cheek. Like some pressure on the skin. While looking at
Fitter Stoke's post, I suddenly have this feeling that my problems are likely to be energy-related (what Pablo and Dan talked about in their posts). From the links in that post, I found Thanissaro's method of meditation and was surprised that there is another way which encourages an expansive attention of the breath and which involves energy-related breaths that is different from the physical breath. This method is very different from Ajahn Brahm's and the Pa-Auk methods which I am familiar with.
2. Despite all the difficulties, I managed to get to calm states - my five senses dulled considerably leaving my mind very clear. unfortunately, I was no longer able to sense the sensation of the breath. I totally didnt know what to do next. Ajahn Brahm's instruction was that at this stage we should really look into the breath mindfully to find the beautiful breath. But I found it difficult to breathe gently so that I dont disrupt the peace. Ajahn Brahm's advice to me was that I need to develop my mindfulness so that I can notice even very subtle sensations. However, it was difficult for me to convey my difficulty in breathing to him. I am pretty sure that if my breathing can occur peacefully, I can notice the breathing well. I also understand that a lot of my problems are also due to my inability to let go, against Ajahn Brahm's constant reminder.
3. Even though I say that my meditation is full of suffering, I must also qualify that at times, I feel like every breath I take creates a thrill down my spine, like listening to a very inspiring song. I am wondering why that happens.
4. Before I went for the retreat, there was a night when I was sleeping, and suddenly I became conscious and could feel a vibration in the upper side of my head (where I suppose the brain is). I intuitively put my attention on this vibration, and it became louder and louder. Suddenly, I felt like I became the breathing. I can't think of another way to describe it. I felt like there was a hook that pulled me into the breathing itself and I became the breathing. It lasted for like a split second. Immediately, I also felt a very pleasant sensation that went down from the top of my head down my body. It feels like the thrill/shiver down the spine I mentioned earlier but immensely more pleasurable. I wonder whether that was just a dream and if not, what actually happened.
Somehow, I do feel that this path is rather elusive (I thought I just have to follow the breath!) and wonder whether it is better to go to a mahasi method instead of trying to generate Jhanas first.