| | Hello,
I'm posting this under 'motivation and results' because, basically, I am greatly lacking motivation and almost afraid of results. This might not be a hard and fast question, but I still felt the need to express it (and there are few places to do that!).
I recently had about a month of A&P type insight after pushing hard, following Mahasi Sayadaw's instructions as best I could. Great confidence, concentration, perception. After sitting one day for multiple times, seeing every mental act at high speed, though, it started to feel jangly, jarring, and unpleasant.
I have had very little motivation to do insight since. I've been doing more of a lightweight "jhana junkie" practice, when I practice at all, just focusing on piti and reading about how to do the concentration path instead of the dry insight path.
And, I am almost afraid of results. Do I want to see the dhukkha in sense experience? Even after doing some of my "lightweight jhana junkie" practice, I just felt like I was seeing dhukka everywhere after I left my meditation. Do I want to give up my mundane plesant sense pleasures and instead focus on being happy through insight, brahmaviharas, or jhanas? A big part of me is like 'why would I do that?' and 'am I going to be so different from 99% of people I know'? Or, 'I like drinking beer and watching TV!' Or alternatively, thinking I just want to do a big retreat.
Anyways, I expect this might be dissolution, although I'm not sure. I know that Mahasi Sayadaw wrote not to get discouraged at this point, but it is hard not to be . . . I get such results from following his instructions, I just find it hard to 'stay the course' so I've been playing with other techniques now.
If anyone has pertinent thoughts, they'd be appreciated.
Is it wrong of my to try to switch horses and move over to a more concentration type practice?? |