Daniel M. Ingram:
Welcome to the DhO.
My thoughts also: got an event or series of events you think were the A&P?
That does sound like a lot of not fun stuff: glad you are seeing someone about it. I hope things get better.
What brought you around to a meditation forum? What is the interest, meditation background, etc?
throughout childhood i was very intuitive child. knowing who was on the phone, when we were going to get robbed or mugged, knowing when an aunt was going die, telling my mom not get remarried when i was 9 because i felt it was not right (it wasnt), telling people their thoughts. as an infant, i would not let people i didnt trust (see trust issues!) hold me. they would pick me up and i would make my body go limp when they werent paying attention and wiggle down their body away from them.
i was also a moody or angry or strange kid, not getting along with my brother or understanding basic things or being obsessed with them like curse words or brand names etc. my brother understood all those very well thats part of the reason why we didnt get along. when asked what i wanted to do when i grew up i would become philosophical (at age 5) and say i just want to help people.
my mom would meditate in the morning and if i woke up (i often did) i would get to go with her. so i began meditating young. there was no directions except to calm your mind and focus on your breathe or a word as you breathe in and out.
during college i watched kiren bedi's vipassana movie about the bihar jail. the presenter told us about the goenka retreats and i wanted to leave everything and go immediately. i didnt because i wasnt doing well in school and i feared i wouldnt want to come back if i went. after college, (and a trip to nepal and tibet) i asked the (tibetan) buddhist monk on campus what he thought about it and he said not to go -- vipassana is for the end of your meditation training. so i didnt go. i continued with my non technique meditation but really wanted some guidance.
i had couple of separate nights when i was in high school and post college where i was so giddy with joy and didnt need sleep and just so joyful. i also knew where thing were. there was super crazy 4th of july that was so happy (im not a huge fan of this holiday). i slept for like 1.5 hours and woke up and ran 3 miles ( i wasnt an active runner then), then danced in my room to youtube videos (not normal for me), then went and studied for exams for graduate programs at a book store (also not something i always do but thought it was a good idea since i had so much energy), then i wanted to have lunch with someone, a friend i thought. so i turned around and there was an it was an old friend who asked if i wanted to have lunch. then i decided to go and pray (also not common for me) and wanted to travel with someone there. a professor that i dont always get to talk to because hes so popular was at the bus stop going to prayers so i got to talk to him. then i decided i wanted to watch the fireworks after all so i went to area really late (it was super packed with people) and i called a friend i knew had waited there all day. i couldnt hear her on the phone so didnt know where she was really but somehow i worked my way through about a mile of crowds and found her just 3 minutes before the fireworks started. i had a really nice front row spot on the grass where i could not only sit but lay down. my other friends who were suppose to make there werent able to find her. after the fireworks, i thought i should go and find those friends, so as i was making my way back home via foot and bus, i turned my head just as i had that thought and there they were. i got off the bus and caught up to them. they were having a miserable time, they had practically missed the fireworks and now they couldnt find their car. i somehow knew where their car was even though i didnt see them park and found it for them in 1 minute. and then they drove me home and that was it. the next night was more normal. i didnt understand any of it nor did i ever take drugs or alcohol.
then finally 10 years later (2.5 years ago), during a bout of unemployment i went. and everything i had gone through made sense a bit. i didnt sleep much because i was giddy on some nights. it was when i felt 'free flow' of subtle sensations everywhere (is that bhanga? not sure where that fits in) other days all i could do was sleep during every break and some meditations. i also felt a lot leg pain at times. or at times, like a snake was rocking me. i stopped that rocking if i could. i felt like throwing up every time i sat next to this one girl. i later learned she was detoxing from like 6 programs. i could tell (by feeling them or their vibrations or particles) when certain people were walking down even though they were across the room and my eyes were closed. now, i normally feel these sensations during my (some) of practice and also at random times like when im on the bus (what is it with me and buses??) but its not something i can control or use. my intuition power is still present but also uncontrolled and a little annoying or distracting now as its about other people and i really need to focus on myself. it happens when i can feel i can trust people. when i feel like that i want to give and give and when that feeling of trust goes away because others have taken advantage of my nature i am left more sick (in the spleen sense). i need to use it for myself and not be so focused on other people until i am more tapped into a more lasting universal energy or giving so i dont give out or at least dont hit dark night and destroy myself.
the couple of nights i had no need for sleep convinced me that i had hit A&P. agree? disagree? thoughts? and all the misery i already told you about also retroactively told me that i was now in Dark Night, sadly. but maybe not! would love to hear what you think