Hi All,
Just as a preface, I have not done any hardcore insight practice for an extended period. I have been meditating for about a year and a half and have switched around techniques a whole lot, but
spent a huge portion of the time paying attention to the physical aspects of anxiety, guilt, and other emotions (primarily anxiety, which is why I got into this), often using noting.
About two years and a half ago I had a bad shrooms trip and then a near panic attack before giving a speech, the combination ultimately turned me from being very happy and only slightly shy into having a decent amount of social anxiety. At that point, I was still happy other than the anxiety. Since starting to meditate, I made a lot of behavioral changes, exposing myself to a lot of my fears. My meditation practice has switched around in techniques a lot, but it has been roughly 45 minutes a day, mostly a lot of noting with the breath as an anchor. I've hit the first jhana 4-5 times out of pure accident, and can't repeat it out of will.
Nevertheless, even though I had a lot of good periods, for the last 6-8 months I've had an almost constant doubt/despair type feeling. It is not intense, and is sparked off my normal anxieties, but is accompanied by
extremely repetitive thoughts about how nothing I try is going to bring me back to my old happiness, why is everyone else happier than me, why do I have to feel like this, etc. It's kind of like the thoughts are worried about having the feeling in the future, but the feeling wouldn't be there if those thoughts weren't there.
When I do open awareness or fast noting, makes it less intense but it comes right back after I am done. It is very frustrating when I read about how meditation is scientifically show to improve anxieties in the first 2 months, when I have been very dedicated and not had these results.
The only reason I ask if this is a dark night is because I never had this type of feeling until I had meditated for close to a year, though I don't think I've had A&P.
Any advice? I am thinking about going for hardcore concentration practice. For the next couple years I really just need grounding because I am going to a PhD program that will mean 60+ hours a week of studying
Thank you
