C. Wilson:
Recently, I've been trying to stabilize the entire field of awareness as my meditation object (on and off cushion) ... Kind of an "awareness watching awareness" thing. For a day or two, I guess, I'd started to accept the "tone" of that experience as what it feels like to be a self.
Then, yesterday, while watching that "tone" and trying to hold on to it, I completely saw through it. "Holy shit, there's absolutely nothing there. There is no "I"." Fwiw, I've been able to "access" that experience of emptiness every time I try to call it up.
Be careful there, Mr. Wilson. In reference to your last statement, awakening is not about being able to "access that experience of emptiness" and able to call it up at will. (If that is what you think awakening is — and I'm
not suggesting that it is — then you are still seriously deluded.)
It is about making a profound change in your total perception of reality and being okay with that. Because, that just
is the way things are. And you are seeing it, perhaps, for the first time. You need time, as Nikolai suggests, to be able to process this. The implication being: give yourself that time.
Continue your practice, be ever more mindful, and contemplate in seclusion (meaning within yourself) your new discoveries in light of the Dhamma. (This would be a good time to begin reading the translated discourses, if you haven't already begun to do so. A lot of answers can be found there that will help you to make this transition a smoother transition.)