| | So I've been doing vipassana for awhile, seemingly going up and down the nanas, getting some jhanas, going through periods of higher and lower motivation, points of higher and lower energy, points of more dedicated practice to points of laxity, points of confidence to points of confusion and stuck-ness, points of understanding and clarity, to points of uncertainty and vagueness.
First breakthrough- Realizing that I had to watch and accept the negative bodily sensations. I then crossed the A&P.
Second breakthrough- Realizing the pitfalls of the A&P (related to the corruptions of insight), releasing desire for energetic stuff, releasing the tendency to grasp at the A&P stuff. This got me more able to tune into the 3rd vipassana jhana as it naturally arose after the A&P, rather than just feeling like I had dropped off and lost it.
Third breakthrough- Learning to surrender to overwhelming negativity in many forms during the DN. This got me tasting equanimity, but this is still an ongoing battle to some extent. As I learned on retreat recently, after ping-ponging back and forth between re-observation and EQ, there are layers and layers and layers of surrender that have to occur. However, I started landing more consistently in EQ in my sits, and having little trouble going through the DN to get there, and having less of a problem with going back and forth between re-observation and equanimity.
I realized that I was getting stuck in EQ, by holding onto the peace that resulted, which would then fling me back into re-observation with a vengeance. Then, I started to release attachment to the peace of EQ. Equanimity started seeming less profound and more like a drop off into a very wide, quiet, subconscious realm. When I would cycle back to re-observation, it wasn't a big deal and didn't have much psychological impact at all.
And here's the point where I feel stuck more than ever. After trying to release attachment to effort, equanimity, thoughts of maps and progress, high energy and low energy, etc..., I'm left feeling like I'm doing nothing at all, except watching and investigating. But it feels like a big roadblock. And yes, I've investigated the sense of roadblock. But at the end of the day, for better or for worse, I am aware of stream entry, and it's my goal, and I have the intention to get it. So after I try to see through intention, map-based thoughts, desire for enlightenment, investigation, what is there to do? It feels great and equanimous, but I've long since realized that this is useless in a way. Equanimity can fade so fast, and it's right next to re-observation. I feel like I had a motor (noting and noticing practice), but I feel like I've deconstructed the motor, that I've had to stop fueling the effort for getting somewhere, since it seems like I get to equanimity and then hit the end of the line.
I feel stuck in very paradoxical thinking now. I have to make effort and investigate to get enlightened, but at the same time, the investment in those things is an obvious impediment to seeing things clearly in some way. I have to see the nature of things, but even in equanimity, there's this sense that something is just straight-up wrong (maybe this is seeing into dukkha). I try to investigate, but it feels like the investigation itself is related to the wrong-ness, that the problem is at a level deeper than the investigation itself. So how can investigation reveal and fix the problem, when the problem is so skin deep that the investigation itself feels corrupted? I keep going and I keep trying to cultivate equanimity to the efforts related to practice and the stress related to knowing that there is indeed a goal to achieve. Maybe it's just continuing to do this that will crack it.
But then, enter Zen. I'm still critical of the notion that "you are already enlightened", that practice is non-practice, that there is nothing to attain. After reading enough stories of people getting progressive paths (even in some Zen traditions), it's clear that there is a river to cross, so to speak. But at this odd, paradoxical point in my practice, some of the Zen sayings are actually seeming very appealing, addressing a lot of my fundamental concerns about my practice. I'm not referring to the notion that practice is futile, that we should just live and be happy that we're already enlightened. I'm more referring to the notions that all is Buddha-nature, that mind needs to look back at itself to see it's true nature, that enlightenment takes some kind of non-effort, that the thing we're trying to do takes abandonment of all investment, and that you just have to step out of the way to let the natural mind shine through. I know little to nothing about actual Zen practice, but I feel like a lot of the Zen stuff I've heard is directly addressing these paradoxes/roadblocks I'm running into.
I'm frustrated with the sense that I can't do anything about this barrier in EQ. Noting seems to lose traction, and investigation feels like exactly the wrong thing, like the suffering is embedded in the investigation itself, therefore the investigation has to stop or change in some way. I'm entirely glad to have used the techniques I did to get to this point, as it is obviously progress and seemingly close to the source of the problem, but I really do get the "chasing my tail" feeling. When I move closer to it, it moves away, but when I stop, it doesn't seem like things synch up, and there's still a blaring dissonance. In 3rd vipassana jhana, my mantra was something like, "no going back (giving up), have to just come to acceptance and calmly go forward". Now, it feels more like there is no way out, no tangible endpoint, like every step I take forward is making the thing I'm looking for one step farther away.
I normally dislike writing (or reading) things that seem lost in paradoxical thought, because I normally think that just practicing is the solution. But after getting stuck in EQ again and again, I can't help but feel like practice is paradoxically flawed somehow. I'm also at odds with Daniel Ingram's claim that once someone hits EQ, they are so close and that continued practice is all it takes. I'm finding that practice is radically different in EQ, and that my previous methods of just noting the shit out of things, cultivating EQ, and removing investment in any of the stuff that comes up is lacking somehow. It was a great and massively effective approach all the way up to EQ, but now it seems like something must be tweaked. I'm interested in refining my practice, since I do know that once the practice is right, the fruit will follow, as demonstrated by many people here and anecdotes elsewhere.
One step forward seems like one step back, and standing still feels like missing the point of investigation. I've uncovered a few stuck in EQ threads but it seems like people only understand what was wrong after they get stream entry. How do I crack this thing??? I promise, I am practicing and not just philosophizing. I'm just stuck at EQ. |