Hi sorry if this is long, just wanted to try to hit everything.
joie delivre:
This summer I did a 10 day Goenka Vippassana retreat which I found really scary from about Day 3: lots of electrical surgings & jerkings I've no memory of experiencing before; lots of crying, sadness (not necessarily about anything) and much anxiety. Unable to sleep with the electrics although I usually have no problems in that regard. I've been experiencing much anxiety for 3ish years which kicked in when my partner was diagnosed with cancer. Since the retreat I continue with the electrics...if I stop during work for a moment I can feel it rising through my trunk...but it's not really frightening anymore (or mostly not). I still have much emotion rising, increasing fear (I can attach it to the most mundane things).
I am disciplined and think I have a consistent and strong practice but have never had any blissful or pleasant experiences meditating so feel a bit odd about that. However that hasn't affected my dedication. Somehow I feel I have to continue but it all feels very difficult and despairing. I've had a teacher since September who originally thought I was in the dark night (although if my A & P was the electrics during the retreat, there was nothing pleasant about it). More recently he wonders whether I haven't yet hit either A & P or Dark Night...which I found really really scary...
...My electrical surges continue, featuring most strongly during the noting period but observable as well during the day and sometimes in concentration. I'm anxious about even small things. Yet I've noticed feeling my heart opening more and lots of feeling of raw vulnerability. But I am also more mindful with others and more open. BTW during the Vipassana retreat I stuck to Goenka practice as per their instruction, but found single point concentration difficult this week. At home I lean towards noting but sometimes do pure Vipassana.
Definitely sounds like the dark night. General unpleasantness combined with uncomfortable body sensations (the electrical surges you describe) sounds VERY much like the dark night. To be honest it pretty much reads as a textbook description of it.
Don't worry about blissful and pleasant experiences, given that you seem to be in the dark night it's not a surprise you aren't having these experiences. Personally I associate such experiences with pre-AP sort of practice, after that they seem to all away.
Though your teacher may doubt that you're in the dark night, given what you have said, it seems extremely likely to be the case. That you yourself believe it to be so, and scary that he does not, seems to be even more of an indication you are in the dark night.
joie delivre:
I found the Jeannie Zandi article almost exactly fits my experience BAR the bit about god. My sense is that gods are myths so I have difficulty with the dark night being about surrendering to a god. I would love to hear from others who may also be atheists and who have been or are in the dark night.
I don't know the article you're referencing. As others have suggested, I would highly recommend reading Mastering the Core Teachings of the Budda which can be downloaded here: http://static.squarespace.com/static/5037f52d84ae1e87f694cfda/t/5055915f84aedaeee9181119/1347785055665/ This is the common basis off which most people on here are discussing the dark night and stages of insight. None of it is at all spiritual, just straightforward and descriptive, and helpful.
joie delivre:
I don't know if this is relevant and it may be quite common, but up to my early thirties (I'm now 60), I experienced not infrequent epiphanies of bliss often triggered by light: sun flashing off chrome or water or clouds. Quite exquisite and connected but nothing like that since I did a counselling course where some gestalt type work tipped me during one session into a physical and scary foggy-skin sensation and losing a sense of where I was as if hypnotised for maybe 20 minutes...and that left a really anxious period of several months.
Perhaps I should just keep at it and not worry but something feels like I am stuck in hell.
That is interesting. To me it sounds like you may have somewhat of an affinity for dharma practice, given you experienced these sort of things in the past, and have now seemingly crossed the threshold into the dark night. Haha, as for the last sentence I quoted above, indeed the dark night is pretty hellish, and you have every right to want move through it.
joie delivre:
I can sometimes see the progress of the path within the session: 3 characteristics followed by anxiety, then the surges, the a burst of sadness and crying, sometimes followed by nausea or gagging (very brief)...although the nausea has receded over the last few weeks and I just get to the surgings/crying.
I attended a half day vipassana retreat on the weekend as well as my own meditation sessions. It was reassuring to sit silently with others but there isn't much happening in that regard where I live and of course, no talking! Last week and this I have felt the most intense periods of existential sadness, despair and anxiety but also a few glimpses of calm (this is not normal for me and my meditation compared to others I read about is quite different: no bliss, no real pleasantness, little calm).
This is good, it sounds like you are making progress toward equanimity. Do you know the stages of insight? Definitely have a look at them in the book MCTB I linked above if you don't. If you don't know, essentially there is the dark night, then re-observation, which is a very intense stage, followed by equanimity, which is ideally followed by fruition (stream entry). Equanimity isn't bliss, it is simply non-preferential mental evenness toward all phenomenon. Don't worry about bliss or any nice states, shoot to practice well and maintain/ rest in equananomous states when they occur.
joie Delivre:
I'm continuing with my practice: hour in the morning or more followed listening to a variety of online dharma talks. Same in the evening and smaller session at bedtime. My home practice involves about 20% concentration (which was good until the last week); 60 or more % noting; the balance in metta. Sometimes I start with metta, sometimes I end with it but concentration always preceeds noting and sometimes if I'm very rattled, I focus on concentration.
My actual practice sessions mornings and evenings have adjusted from beginning by single point breath concentration, moving to body scanning Vipassana to ending with metta. Lately the rough plan has been 15 min concentration at the top of the session, 15 to 20 to 25 min of noting (although sometimes noting leaks into the end of the concentration section) followed by 10 to 15 minutes of metta.
I would really say do what you are drawn to in terms of practice, and don't feel bound by techniques; meditation practice should be pragmatic. In order to make progress in insight, noting is recommended. Though, if your mind is too crazy, concentration is good.. Insight and concentration work hand in hand, the way you have been practicing, of concentration followed by insight seems like a good way to go. But if you want to do more insight, don't feel bound by your schedule. Insight meditation really is what moves one along the path so it may be you could practice more of it.
As for metta, again personal preference is probably a good decider here. If it's nice to do, then by all means continue it. However if it feels forced or hard, there's no need to do it. While at all times it is important to remember that compassion for all beings includes yourself, especially at this time when you are in a rough place dharmically, it may be best to focus more on assisting yourself out of your own situation than trying to cultivate compassion for all beings. Though that is just my opinion, again if compassion practice works for you than don't change it.
As well I would say that practice in everyday life in addition to meditation is very important, and will greatly help to move you along the path. Remembering mindfulness during the day, or attention to sensations creates a continuity of practice in your life which naturally produces stronger results than simply practicing mediation and leaving it on the cushion.