| | Hello everyone,
I experienced something two days ago that I wish to discuss about. It was night time and I just started going into laying down meditation and after 15 minutes or so I was focus on the breath and in the background I could feel a positive sensation occurring during the expansion and contraction of my abdominals this kept going for a while but my session was ended after my mom knocked on my door to tell me dinner was ready (she forgot not to bother me during these times).
I got up to answer the door but there was no sense of anger just joy that they brought me food. I decided to go upstairs with them and soon enough the positive sensation stop lingering in the background and surfaced into all my senses. I felt amazing. It felt as though my senses had hit a climax of joy. After a while it started to settle down and I just felt good during the meal. When I was finished with the meal I talked with my brother about it for a little bit and went back to my room to try and experience it again.
I lied down and focused on my breath touching the rim of the nose, trying to feel the smallest feeling in that area. It wasn't long before I had a rush of emotions appearing and I told myself at that moment to just bring it all at once, hold nothing back! But as soon as I said that it was as if I was hit with a semi-truck of emotions and one of them stuck and I had strong feelings of depression and fear and that once I left colorado for thailand in may everyone I knew here would die even after 2 days of being gone. Soon I burst into tears after thinking about family and friends and even felt paralyzed because the feeling of crying felt so strong. It took a while to calm myself down but when I did I tried to avoid meditation all together.
The next morning I woke up but I did not want to do anything, ANYTHING, I just wanted to lie there. The feeling stayed with me through out the entire day, thoughts about meditation disgust me, I felt bored with the feeling of breath and the only thing that really helped was zoning out all together. But every once in a while the feeling would come back to me when I became mindful again. I looked online and found a guy that talked about dealing with problems in meditation and he had mention to just sit and note everything that comes up. So I took his advice... that night I tried to lay down and meditate but I could not it was so unbearable. More specifically as soon as I tried to note a collection of unpleasant feelings would come up and vibrate at an extremely fast rate making it difficult to see any separation. I eventually fell asleep.
The following morning I still felt awful my entire body felt painful I had a strong headache on the right side, but I decided to just try to sit for 30 minutes and lay down afterwards. So I did. During the sitting my body felt stiff but had strong feelings of pain and itching.
The 30 minutes past and when I lied down I still had some feeling of resistance but I push through it and told myself to just sit with it and note with a purpose. It seems as though I fell asleep but when I woke up I felt clear and calm, negative feelings disappear as if they were late for a meeting. Before I decided to get up I had a better understanding of the three characteristics, that everything comes and goes, everything will never satisfy in any sense, and there isn't a self in any of the sensations, concousiness, perceptions, feelings, or mind formations. What I think I am has just been a clever pattern that the mind thought as some sort of solid independent thing but isn't.
After all that I felt calm, peaceful, at ease and as though I have gone through the hardest thing in this life. As of this moment I feel as though there isn't anything else I need to do.
What is your opinion about all this? |