Jen Pearly:
Hi, Daniel.
Can you describe what the stage you were in was like when this shift occurred?
Hi Jenny, thank you for taking the time to work through this with me! I will admit that all of this is in retrospect for me as this event occurred well over a year ago. Thanks for baring with me!
Prior to setting out on this walk, I remember being frustrated. My practice seemed to be on repeat, and I had resolved myself to be more diligent. I could sense that I was suffering, but I had not fully seen what I was doing to cause this suffering. On the walk, I became equanimous despite these frustrations. The frustrations were there with me, but I had surrendered to them. I think that this is the subtle difference-- prior to this day I was determined to conquer these feelings as opposed to simply observing them.
Were you regularly seeing/hearing/feeling formations clearly, from being to end? Can you describe those?
At that time, I had taken to practicing something I will call an "awareness walk", a walk in which the practitioner endeavors to remain in the utmost awareness of the moment throughout the duration. In terms of vipassana, this boils down to awareness of "external" (I had not yet bridged the gap necessary to understand that thoughts and emotions were also objects) sensations-- sights, smells, sounds. On the walk, I observed countless "formations" arise and pass away. Smells would arise-- the dank scent after the recent Spring rain. Objects of vision would arise-- the view of the lake, or the color of flowers. Whatever came up, I would witness. Footsteps. I remember clearly witnessing the sensation of a footstep arise, then pass away, only to have its place taken by the footstep from my other leg as I pressed on up the hill. Panting breaths. Arising, passing away. Impermanence!
Do you feel permanently different in any other way besides suffering less? For instance, how is the perception of self different from what it was before?
I can recall an anecdote from a week or so after the "discontinuity" event. I was on another awareness walk. I was on another "awareness walk". Just before rounding the bend back to my house after the 3 or 4 mile trek, I remember witnessing a thought about my workplace arise. Immediately, I noticed that an emotion accompanied it. I felt the suffering that this caused. I remember seeing this unfold, and subsequently realizing that the belief I was holding regarding my workplace caused me to suffer in that instance. Simultaneous to this "witnessing", it was clear how this same process was occurring constantly in my life regarding myriad objects of frustration.
I think that this is the primary shift of the "discontinuity" event. After the "shift" occurred, I was constantly able to see this process unfold in my life. Thought->emotion->feeling->suffering. Attached to this process, I was suffering quite a bit. Unattached to it, at the gross level, I was suffering quite a bit less. Mind you, I had not yet seen this occur at the subtler level of sensations.
Exactly what happened in the moments leading up to the discontinuity? Can you describe those moments?
I will admit that, no, I cannot precisely recall at this time. I simply remember having reached a calm, coolness regarding my "dark night" frustrations. Finally I tried
not avoiding them. Surrender.
Exactly what did you see or experience in the moments when "something new" was starting?
This is difficult to describe as it was a "sense" more than a "thing". I knew that this "blip" was something quite deep. That calm clarity I had gained on the walk served to pacify my recent frustrations. How could I let something so magnificent, benevolent, and loving as this world be contorted into an evil thing as if it was
it that caused me to suffer? This was ludicrous, and I believed this so much that it clicked. Moments later: the "blip". Subsequent to that: a happy peace, and the thought, "was that really it?".
I hope that this answers your questions. Thanks for helping to vet my claim to stream entry!
Daniel