| | Re-Observation can be a real bitch, that's for sure. I've passed through it twice (that I know of), two years ago before I knew what the progress of insight was. Two years before I realized that odd dream with bright lights and meditation might have started something I can't stop... but anyway.
The first time I "broke through," I was dreaming. I dreamt I was standing in front of my kitchen sink, and a mutual friend was there with me, crying because she felt her marriage was falling apart. I was listening with a compassionate ear, when I noticed that it was very, very dark outside the window. I couldn't tell if it was night time or a bad storm. Suddenly, I was thrust out the window, out into the open air (it was a two-story apartment). It was a storm for sure, and I was now caught in the middle-- wind, hail, rain, pure chaos. But the storm was nothing compared to the creature that stood before me. It was an animal with its face half-rotted and glowing red eyes, it was my own madness. My fears, my despair, my disgust, staring right back at me.
My wife shook me awake at this point. She said I had been crying and moaning in my sleep. When I woke up I realized there was an odd inner silence, and it felt like something had clicked into place... low EQ, though I didn't know it at the time.
The second time through Re-Obs, I was sitting on my porch, moving up through the dukkha nanas. This was very shortly after the dream, so I still had no idea what was happening. I thought I had developed some kind of anxiety disorder. I remember disgust and desire for deliverance clearly, even today, and then it felt like the edges of my brain were spinning and screaming, and I wanted to tear my hair out in pure primal frustration. I thought, "There is no way anyone can suffer this much and still be alive." And with that, it kind of shifted out a bit. I was watching it rather than being in it, and it faded over the rest of the day. Another peek into Low EQ.
Then, of course, I stopped meditating and became the grumpy guy I am today, trying to get back on the ride. I know I'd do anything for some valium or the dumbed-down bliss of codeine on my bad days, but you just gotta take it one moment at a time.
Best advice for surviving Re-Obs: cultivate the second brahma vihara, compassion, and look on the sensations with that feeling, noting "This too. This too." Accept what is happening. |