bernd the broter:
Apart from that: I get from your text that you now suffer from depression and social isolation. Metta should help. I'm not sure about Insight practice, because that can unbalance people, without leading to a good place, especially if done without good instructions. So I would try to get some balance by practicing Metta first.
(The paranoid-thing sounds especially dangerous to me. Are you sure that something is not a side effect of an undiagnosed mental illness?)
Firstly, thanks for the kind response and concern about my well-being. I didn't expect my experience to be "creepy" though. I thought everyone who meditates has those, that's why I wrote in the first place. If I would've known before I wouldn't have the guts to talk about them I guess....
You are right about the depression and social isolation part. But I am feeling pretty well and am socially active again since mid september. I am not sure if my depression is over, but I feel very good compared to the past 8-9 months.
Also I thought alot about the possibility of being mentally ill alot in the past months, but all people I talked too and asked about opinions helped to reduce this thought.
I should probably try to explain the paranoid part a little more detailed I guess. Maybe I am using this word wrongly. Those were my concerns:
- The constant feeling of being betrayed by others. (Talking behind my back. Feeling left out.)
- The feeling of being under constant observation. (Kind of like the truman show.)
Those two feelings made me think I might have some sort of paranoya. But I can explain the second feeling now. It came from the fact, that I experience these massive amount of other peoples reactions according to my thoughts. I guess everybody knows this feeling if you think something that another person 'might' think about a situation, and then suddenly this person acts the way you thought and kind of proves you right.
For example: Late at night, you walk a few meters behind a person/woman and suddenly out of nowhere get this thought. "It's late at night. I am male. She might think I follow her." ... Then this woman reacts this way. She looks back at you, maybe frightened. She increases her speed. Or she actually changes the direction.
This is the kind of thing that made me question my "saneness" sometimes. Because that's not an 1 in a few weeks happening (like years back). Or an 1 in a day happening. That kind of stuff begins to happen as soon as I am around people and stops if I am not around people anymore. It happens every few moments.
It became so weird. I can't even describe how weird because my deepest and most unnormal thoughts nobody could possibly know or think about in the exact same moment came to be 'alive' this way.
That's why I questioned this reality and thought about being paranoid. In my opinion there were only 5 possibilities:
1. I am reading the thoughts of others sometimes.
2. Others are reading my thoughts.
3. I am talking about my thoughts without noticing. (I am not joking.. I asked like 5 people about this right now and everyone assured me that I am not doing that.)
4. I respond somehow to the thoughts of others.
5. Others respond somehow to my thoughts.
Also it's not always this creepy thoughts which happen... it's sometimes kind of good.
Once I worked in my semester holidays to earn some money. A female colleague I talked to, said to me how she hates it if one makes fun of another person.. A few days later, she had an pretty ugly angel figure at work (she won it at a christmas market or something). She hated this figure and made fun of it all day. Then she decided to make fun of one of her collegaues by giving it to him as a gift. Before she did, she told us how she finds it a funny way to get rid of it... making him (because he was pretty friendly) believe he actually got a present and acted kind and thankfully. She came back to our group laughed a little with others about him acting like it was a nice gift and continued to work. I sat there thinking how wrong she behaved.... telling me she hates people who make fun of others and does it herself. Suddenly she stands behind me and apologizes... saying to me and the people besides me that she thinks she did something wrong. Then she moved over apologized to him and came back. I was sure I didn't speak out loud because by then I already started to bite my lips to make sure my mouth is closed when I thought about stuff I didn't want others to hear.
I know this sounds like an accident... but it's the less weird story I can tell which is still believeable.
Sorry for the wall of text again... but this explains what I mean by "paranoid". Well this stuff still happens alot... but I try to focus on good thoughts at the moment and I don't feel so scared about it as I did weeks ago.