Ident Silence:
11/12/10 - 2000-2120
Initial Setup: Took tarins advice and built up mindfulness as I went about my normal activity for about 20 minutes prior to sitting. I found that by using a basic breath counting, not trying to maintain control of the breath and only counting in cycles of ten, I could get access concentration within a matter of seconds, begin to note the sensations involved while preparing to sit and the mental movements of setting intent. By the time I sat down on the cushion I felt a sense of balance and focus which reminded me of equanimity and proved very useful to the following observations. Present-orientated intent was set firmly to note each sensation arise and pass as quickly as they occured while maintaining awareness of the body.
oh good.
perhaps some people who read this will try applying the method of establishing mindfulness prior to sitting to their own practices.by the way, if you're a stream-enterer, you ought to be able to get 'access concentration' just with bare attention/mindfulness. consider trying this instead of breath counting.
Ident Silence:
Focussing on the sensation of breath from the cooling air around felt mainly (about 70/30 in terms of sensate awareness between either nostril at any given time) in the left nostril as it passed with a sense of sweet "nothingness" down the back of the nasal cavity, smooth but on closer inspection not a solid, ongoing sensation with more of a wide and slow vibrational quality.
I purposely avoided allowing any visualisation of the sensations, or at least noted and disgarded them as they arose, and stayed with the basic sensate experience. From the nasal cavity I observed the air travel down the back of my throat, my swallowing reflex tried to kick in and I almost missed it but I noted the automatic nature of it and moved on to following the sensations of air filling my abdomen first, the expansion of the solar plexus area and the sensation of a full breath being completed as the chest rose before the pause and continuation of the breath. I had noted that the vibrations appeared to be narrower as the breath travelled through the throat before re-expanding in the chest cavity but looking closer this was actually incorrect and they were only changing to negotiate the shape of my throat, the sense of which was a lot wider when I payed attention to it but there was the awareness that this was only because I was making this occur.
possibly content-heavy; if so, tune more into the bare awareness of these experiences than the perceptions of what these experiences are/were. if you can't do that, note the three characteristics.
Ident Silence:
I gradually became aware of pain in various places on my body which, when noted, would vanish or my awareness would shift to another area as the sensation of pain rose up there. I noted and noted as this occured and consistently saw that these sensations were empty, they had nothing to do with a sense of self and had no solidity so I could just allow them to do their thing and carry on observing the breath.
note suffering characteristic.
Ident Silence:
Reminding myself of tarins suggestion to release the exhalation at the halway point and allow the sensation of the heartbeat to push the remaining air out I tuned in to this and within about thirty seconds there was a sense of the heartbeat causing a pushing of, not the air itself, but the sensation of it and then a subtle pulling sensation a fraction of a second before the sensation of physically taking a breath occured. Thinking about it now this part was experienced at a much slower rate, almost like playing a film back at half-speed as my overall physical awareness became very focussed on the heart and solar plexus area in general. Not as slow as a frame-by-frame sort of effect, more of a process being slowed to down to show someone a specific aspect of it and then something I can't quite recall but which seemed to just drop from my perception for a split second before I was back on the breath again solidly.
now try releasing the exhalation at the top of the breath, before you even start to exhale.
Ident Silence:
I noticed the beginning of the physical shaking, which tarin indentified on my other posting as early-third jhana, and immediately noticed that I had just passed through the second jhana. At the start of the next breath I noted I had deliberately stopped entering the third jhana and the following occured:
Between the last pulling sensation of the inhale and the pause before exhalation I felt a sense of being back in the first jhana for a "whistle-stop tour" of the three characteristics of it. I noted how it had appeared with minimal effort, but a sense of effort like gently flexing a muscle, and dissolved just as quickly, that it was only a state by which I mean it has a sense of solidity and permanence if one isn't aware of of it's impermanence in the first place, and that it has no connection to self. As I noted the above I was aware of the entry to the third jhana in the background, a visual image appeared of an opaque grey outline of my body seated with a larger version in an almost white colour behind it.
sub-jhana stuff; among the most knowledgeable of persons with whom to talk about this topic is dan ingram.
Ident Silence:
I watched the background activity for a moment and had some strobing of awareness, particularly around the heart area, realised I'd almost allowed myself to get caught up in content and moved through the second jhana quickly while noticing the change in focus which happened on going from first to third.
dissolution.
Ident Silence:
It felt like I went from a tight focus on the breath to a less specific awareness of physical sensation to a panoramic awareness in a 1-2-3 movement as the shaking started up again. I had already watched it start in my left knee, move quickly over to the right and how it started to show up in other areas which I felt like I could almost anticipate but wasn't quite quick enough. For the first time I became really aware of how noting the three characteristics of these sensations would cause them to slip back to the nothing they came from so I noted as fast as I could and felt the sensations subside within about two minutes.
dark night.
Ident Silence:
I noted an increase in the size of my own perception of my body again, similar to last night but the sensation was more of being elongated rather than a horizontal distortion effect. Becoming aware of this made me expand my awareness of the rest of my body and notice that I'd allowed my body to slouch slightly which brought me to a more grounded, whole body awareness and a correction of posture. This brought a mild bliss wave which I noticed was more annoying and distracting than pleasant and shifted focus back to the breath again and to noting sensations as they passed.
more dark night.
Ident Silence:
I felt a less intense form of the shaking begin but this time I felt it as being further away than the entry to third jhana, not quite as embedded in the physical sensations. The major difference here was distinct activity which I recognise as the A&P manifesting physically as intense and laboured breathing, sweating palms and twitching in the nape of the neck and spine. This passed quickly as I noted it's impermanence, how the sensations were not self and how they are all empty of meaning without the illusion of observer.
note suffering, including whatever distaste or relish for suffering may be present.
Ident Silence:
This final point caused me to become aware of my eyes moving in a similar R.E.M. style to before but with more of a visual element like strobing again but the light was much more diffuse, not like what I've experienced before which I would describe as seeming more narrow, like striplights being swung in front of a strobe.
late dark night.
Ident Silence:
At this point, I estimate about 30 minutes in, I felt a very definite switch, if I were to describe it in terms of directional movement, to the left of my field of sensate awareness which, when I think about how it felt now seems like the previous state had been moved aside so that I would be able to see what was happening next.
starting to perceive in formations.
Ident Silence:
I started to notice specific areas of my body as only existing when there was a sensation to register e.g. when I returned to the breath I was only aware of the "external" sensation of the air travelling through my nose which then vanished from awareness as I felt the air in my throat which was experienced like the inside of a hollow tube suspended in space. I noted that my sense of the body was still there but not as a solid experience and I could choose to be aware or unaware of any part of my anatomy at will. I realised quickly that this provided no satisfaction and was experienced as something very comedic, like playing with perception was a great laugh but a distraction from the moment.
equanimity.
Ident Silence:
I then felt that my eyes were turning inwards and I began to look for "the observer" in the space between these sensations which led me to notice a visual image of a golden/orange hued sphere which, when I examined it, was completely empty. Seeing this triggered a shift which I can only describe here as perceptual flip. I'm struggling to find the words for this without being too extravagant because it wasn't like a massive experience or a big fancy A&P fireworks display, just a very simple shift in the centre of perception itself and then nothing. A momentary absence.
high equanimity; fruition.
Ident Silence:
Became aware of the breath again and feeling the muscles in my face create a smile through the sense of acceptance that brought a stronger but more subtle wave of blissful sensations which, as it passed over my body from the crown to the the base of my spine, seemed to activate each chakra or at least that was the visual aspect which presented itself. I noted the flow of sensation appeared to scan the entire body, back and forth on each breath which brought me back to being more fully aware of the body as I slowly brought my awareness back to the "real world".
review.
Ident Silence:
I remained seated for a further twenty minutes while I reorientated myself again and noticed that I was still in a perfect posture after some difficult and painful movement during meditation and that I could maintain equanimity with very little effort. I realised how in the past I had been blown away by these kinds of experiences but how I now see them as just temporary states which only show their true value when the three characteristics are examined. I can't say what exactly occured other than knowing that I completed a cycle in one sitting again and suspect that the "momentary absence" I referred to was a fruition.
mastery is good; moving on is good. one can lead to the other; the other can lead to the one; they can go hand-in-hand.
tarin