Hey Jon,
Jon T:
It's a selfish endeavor. I play not because I love it but because I'm good at it and it's the easiest way I know to pay my bills. If I loved it then I don't think I'd have an issue with it. It's not selfish to do what gives you the greatest joy assuming no pathologies. Somewhere out there is a profession that gives me greater joy but as of it yet, I've lacked the courage to find it. Then again since the concept of intention is still quite new, I'm not sure if I am qualified to find out what gives me joy. For example, I've always thought that I'd be an excellent teacher. But now I see that I might just think so because I enjoy hearing myself sound smart and see myself tangibly influencing the world. It gratifies the ego's need for importance.
I will be continuing to play poker for the foreseeable future. I will just observe my effect on the game and the effect of the game itself on the other players. (I do play live fairly often and it will be easier to see that live then online)....While online, I'll continue to watch the games effect on my mood, my moods effect on my body and mind, the nature of those effects as well as the nature of the mood itself (as it is in and of itself)....hopefully.
this is interesting.
I can very well relate to your report as I do play (online) poker for a living, too.
My attitude towards it and therefore my motivation was greatly influenced by the dharma.
What initially appealed to me was the intellectual challenge of poker, figuring out and refining a theory which was profitable.
In contrast to basically everyone else of my friends who play it casually, money was never the most important reason, it was just an enjoyable side effect. This changed when I got to a level where the amounts I won monthly would easily enable me to do this as a profession. I moved out of my parents house, got a car etc etc.
As you are probably aware, the intellectual challenge of poker diminishes the higher you play, differences in play become more and more subtle. Though I do not consider myself at the absolute peak of that development or knowledge, I 'get' the system and consider this as mostly a matter of putting in the necessary time for analysing and playing hands.
With that perception, my main motivation lost most of its significance. I kept on playing in order to pay the bills, not because I particularly enjoyed it. Once I got into the dharma and adopted various ethical/moralistic conceptions related to it, I became further repulsed to it.
*I am abusing weaker players.*
*I am abusing player´s addictions.*
*Poker is inherently selfish, as it doesn´t provide societal value.*
These are just a few examples of beliefs I had.
Another thing I became aware of and increasingly repulsed by was the aggression the game at times triggered in me and which likewise was projected onto others (quite a funny thing actually when considering all you have in online poker is an avatar and 'timing tells').
Something else that came into play, especially when I got to a point where I could barely cover my monthly expenses was the emotional stress. Being afraid of going broke, losing my appartment etc further disabled my capabilities... all that not because I wasn´t a winning player but because of the lazyness that resulted from my beliefs and attitude towards it.
I had to question every belief I connected to the game and become clear about wether it was just that or an undeniable fact.
The dharma quite easily leads us to believe that we are responsible for things that we are not and as a result we become more and more constrained by these perceived standards of conduct.
It was useful to me to be aware of every feeling that I experienced while playing:
before mentioned aggression expressed in various situations, pride, shame, fear, feelings of superiority, condescending attitudes.
Investigating those has increasingly freed me of their influence and therefore raised my level of enjoyment again.
What is an 'ideal job'? Something that we are good at / have a natural talent for and are able to enjoy.
Having a talent for poker usually implies having a certain analytical, cognitive tendency. While there are many jobs out there that do require similar skills and I don´t neccessarily have to play poker, in my experience it´s more important to get to the bottom of what prevents one from being happy at ones job than believing that in a different one there won´t be similar or different kind of obstacles one has to deal with either way.
Good luck whatever you choose to pursue,
Martin