| | 08/01
Today I felt the pressure of wanting to become actually free. My neurotic self took the goal to become happy right here and now and turned that into some kind of obligation. I realized that the best thing to do is to practice like I did when I was heading for stream-entry, just in a less obssesive way. By this I mean, to engage in things very mindfully and camly, and just being open to whatever happens; trying to have as least lapses of attention as possible. I noticed that this prevents me from getting caught in feeling loops and habitual respose patterns while interacting with people, and that opens up space for skifull and positive spontaneuos responses. By the end of the day a PCE ocurred. Things were very clear and the body and mind felt very rested. It didn't lasted long thought.
I've been getting the feeling that, in a way, things are becoming more transparent, more real. It is like things are just things again. Since I started to practice I've always had this feeling that there was something 'behind' (this wold happen with anything ranging from safety regulation for airplanes to the meaning of life, and what happens after death – if anything at all happens). Now things like the safety regulation seem concrete and pragmatic, and questions like the meaning of life and death doesn't seem to apply, or make much sense. Life is life, death is death. Fear is fear. And wishful thinking is wishful thinking (and I really thought I had get past that in regards to these matters).
10/01
Yestarday and today were difficult days to be attentive. A felt as if I were ill during most of the day , I guess, due to heat. Mental and physical lazyness (pressure at the top of the head?), some craving for food, bizarre bodly sesantions (not so different from I would get practicing, but they intensified in significant way this past two days... - I got outstading amounts of inching.) I visited my father's farm, that I used to visit very often when I was a child, to say goodbye. It was sold. Also, today I visited the school I used to attend until the age of 8. There, the only thing I could remember was the fear I felt when I was that age. And actually that made me joyful realizing that I'm not afraid anymore. Also, curiously, when I reflect about this, and other conflicts that I have lived in my life, I have this 'feeling' that all that is not a problem anymore because I have made a choice to leave it all behind. That relaxes me.
The closest thing to a PCE lasted no more that 2 or 3 seconds and happened 2 or 3 times during the day. One time I was with my father and he called a women (the maid) in a way that used to make me feel embaresed. I was alert at the moment, and when I looked at her a shift happened, and instead of feeling embaresed the colors of her cloth seemed ultra saturated and things were very centerless for some moments. The other time, I was talking to my grandmother and I begun to notice how expressive her face was. And even thought she might be complaining, as she usually does, still she was inherently good, wise, pure. She is human being. There was nothing wrong with her, and there never was.
Reflecting now, I notice that just staring at people seems trigger a PCE, as that happened more times this past week. Taking time to really look and notice what people are doing, saying or feeling is actually OK, makes me realize: there's nothing wrong, lacking, in this very moment. It's like I'm looking more to a person, beyond mere projections/expectations and even prejudices. Human being are fascinating creatures; and people don't have to be in any particular way, e.g. enlightened meditators, to be beautiful, pure and perfect just how they are. (That could help, thought...) And I'm not responsible for they being/feeling X or Y. Having grown up in a third world country with lot's of social disequality I was always taught to feel guilt for having more than some, and glad that less than others.
15/01
Feeling like I'm walking backwards. These days were very dark-night like (a strong one). Weird bodily sesantions, emotions, patters and so forth. A lot of anxeity arising related to the retreat that is getting nearer. Right now writing this I feel pressures and vibrations in my forehead and chest that are very disqueiting. They make me feel lost, confused, shaky and like running away (they have a strong desperate quality); while at the same time I know that something holds me like glue to where I am (unwillingness to go outside on my own and just take a walk).
I noticed during this time I was trying to force myself to apply sensuosness and feel good, while I should be actually investigating emotions (thanks Tarin and Trent for the tips on the other thread posted by Daniel). I also begun to apply Stefanie's tip to feel below the navel.
I also decided to follow her advice and seek medical orientation regarding a experience that I have rather often: when things get really nasty (intense suffering peaks with lot's of bodily disconfort), my mind starts to shut down, like falling asleep, then my body jerks and things begin to ease. I remember since I was a child having this strong bodily jerk, after I felt like I was falling, while falling asleep. I also remember having read somewhere that it is something normal, but that showed up a lot in my meditation practice in the last 6 months and also during the day. On retreat, once, I saw what I think is the cause: a eletric pulse that comes from the lower back (where most of the jerks happen) into the head, and goes down to the hara at a very painful spot. (I once followed it into my head, as I thought it was making me very concentrated, and it left me compleatly ungrounded with a brutal pain/stiffness in my shoulder, neck and head. I could do nothing but lay on the ground and feel my belly for a couple of hours.) |